When Cyndi Lauper appeared on the Howard Stern Show last Thursday to promote the upcoming True Colors Tour, she knew what to expect. The singer, after all, has a decades-long history with Stern, a self-professed Lauper fan who admits to getting choked up when he hears her sing “True Colors.” So when Stern’s line of questioning turned, inevitably, to Lauper’s sexual history, she was able to deflect his more intrusive queries with relative ease.
I think you’ll agree that nothing in this exchange, one of many on the topic of Cyndi’s experimental teenage years, rivals the magic of, say, a Tracy Morgan appearance on Stern, but then again, what does?
Howard: Did you ever have lesbianism in your life at all? Did you ever make love to another woman?
Cyndi: Uh… (Laughs) Um…
Howard: So that’s a yes.
Cyndi: Yeah.
Howard: You did.
Robin Quivers: I was gonna say, you can’t think that long on a no…
Cyndi: No, it isn’t that. It’s ’cause I got kids.
Howard: Cyndi — kids, shmids. So what’s wrong with being gay? Nothing wrong. You’re bisexual —
Cyndi: No, no. My sister has been living with her partner for — they raised two kids, two boys together. They’re very — my sister is amazing.
Howard: Is that why you tried lesbianism, Cyndi?
Cyndi: I wouldn’t say that I’m —
Howard: Cyndi, is that why you tried lesbianism, because of your sister? You said, ‘Well, if she’s — ‘
Cyndi: No, no. When I was a teenager, all my friends came out.
Howard: They did?
Cyndi: And then I figured, okay, me too. And then afterwards, it was like, uh, it’s not really my thing. And then I had to tell them I was straight.
Howard: Was it awful? To tell people you were straight?
Cyndi: Well, because they were — they were gonna ditch me. And they did ditch me. And then when my sister came out, I was like, “Well, you’re not ditching me. I don’t care.”
Howard: You’re right, in a sense. I grew up in a black neighborhood and I used to be so angry that I was white, because it wasn’t any fun for me. Everybody else was dating and having a good time and I was the one lone honky. So I would imagine —
Artie Lange: Was it hard to come out that you were white, though?
The French Open starts in a little more than 90 minutes, fellow gays, and that early round action can’t come soon enough. I’ve been bored out of my mind for weeks now, which is why I’ve been giving the Internet the silent treatment. There’s nothing to write about. Fine, so the lesbian world is abuzz with talk of Jodie Foster reportedly ditchingher partner for Melanie Mayron’s partner, but is there anything interesting about any of that?
(I’d like to point out, since I’ve seen a spike in Melanie Mayron-related traffic in the wake of the Foster hullabaloo, that while Mayron has previously opted to have journalists describe her as a single mom rather than acknowledge her long-term relationship with Cynthia Mort, their union was hardly cloaked in a veil of secrecy, so I didn’t exactly out anyone when I wrote what I wrote about her — and I hardly wrote anything at all — back in February.) It only gets interesting if the tabloid feeding frenzy moves Foster to issue a denial or offer some kind of confirmation, and image-conscious as she is, it’s hard to imagine the latter happening anytime soon, assuming there’s any truth to the rumors.
Monday: Australia, despite being home to the Minogue sisters and that queen from Savage Garden, can’t get its act together when it comes to legally protecting their gay and lesbian citizens. (Who do they think they are, the United States?) While Americans spent the week passing judgment on the teenage spawn of that guy with a mullet who sang “Achy Breaky Heart” and eagerly awaiting the release of Iron Man, Australians spent it having the same old argument about civil unions versus gay marriage. Meanwhile, proposed changes in the law will come too late for those who were already denied pension benefits after losing their partners.
Tuesday: Woody Allen confirmed what every Woody Allen fan already knew by saying the hype over the “extremely erotic” Penélope Cruz/Scarlett Johansson action in the upcoming Vicky Cristina Barcelona is just that: hype. As he told Entertainment Weekly: “Because it was Penélope and Scarlett and Javier, it got out that there was torrid sex in the picture. People who come and expect those exaggerations are going to be disappointed.” But we’ll always have our imaginations. And Photoshop. Don’t forget Photoshop.
Being terminally out of the loop, I’d never heard of guitarist Kaki King (who just released her fourth album, and has also played on songs by acts as diverse as the Foo Fighters, Northern State and Tegan and Sara) before reading this article in Australia’s The Age. But now I have no choice, I have to check out her music. Not just because everyone agrees she’s amazingly talented, but because she’s also fucking funny. Writes interviewer Guy Blackman:
But when I ask why, despite being an open and proud lesbian, none of King’s lyrics or song titles on Dreaming of Revenge seem to refer to her sexuality, she quickly loses her fragile cool.
“Let’s work on some openly lesbian song titles – how about ‘I Like Muff-Diving’, ‘I’m a Girl and She’s So Hot’. I mean, what are you talking about?”
This is where I interrupt to point out that “I Like Muff-Diving” has already been done — it was a Joan Jett B-side in 1981 — before picking up the Blackman piece, already in progress:
But just as quickly, she reins herself in again. “I’m sorry, it’s just that a lot of people are like, ‘So, what’s the gay thing about?”‘ King says. “It’s like, ‘Oh, f— me, do we have to go there?’
“There’s nothing openly lesbian about the lyrics,” she continues.
“There’s really not much openly lesbian about the record. I don’t reference it, but I certainly would. If I needed something to rhyme with ‘bee’ then I’d use ‘she’, if I was writing a song about a lover. It just happened that I didn’t on this record.”
To which I can only say: Yeah. If she’s openly gay, what more is there to discuss? It’s like asking Aretha Franklin why she doesn’t record songs about snack cakes.
Does Lizabeth Scott have Perez Hilton bookmarked? We know she glances at tabloid covers, if this blurb at Contact Music is any indication. The website quotes the 85-year-old actress, who has spent decades denying interview requests, as saying, “I saw Kate Moss and her new beau all over the cover on the news-stand and thought they looked like vagrants; so scruffy and grubby—just awful. I’d like to see Miss Moss smarten up her act. Doesn’t she know young women look up to her? She would have lasted 10 seconds under the Hollywood studio system.”
Scott goes on to praise Paris Hilton, Victoria Beckham and Dita Von Teese as celebrities with genuine senses of style, saying, “Two of the three might not be the sharpest tools in the box, but they are glamorous and always impeccably turned out.”
Could it be that Scott, the gorgeous starlet whose career was all but over by the time she was outed by Confidential in the mid-1950s (she sued them for libel, and contrary to what has been reported on several websites, didn’t win the case, which was dismissed on a technicality), is one of those anonymous posters who always replies to Hilton items about Dita Von Teese by typing “FIRST!!!!!!!!”? Or maybe she’s more the Dlisted type, preferring bitchy remarks about Victoria Beckham’s skeletal frame to crude, hastily drawn MS Paint penises pointing at the Spice Girl’s face.
I’ve yet to figure out where Contact Music got their Scott quotes from, so if anyone can help, drop me a line. And if you’ve never seen the luminous Lizabeth in a movie, you must rent The Strange Love of Martha Ivers, pronto. (The Paramount release, which has a nice transfer, not the $4.99 rush jobs by no-name companies.) Seeing Barbara Stanwyck, Lizabeth Scott and Dame Judith Anderson all in the same movie is a bit like watching Jodie Foster act opposite Alexis Smith in The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane, if you catch my drift, and Martha Ivers is indeed quite strange, one of the oddest noirs you’ll ever come across. Scott is superb in it as a mysterious young woman just released from prison.
It was only the second film she appeared in (Scott started her career in the theater, working as Tallulah Bankhead’s understudy in The Skin of Our Teeth, and years later there were rumors that parts of All About Eve might have been modeled on their relationship), but she wastes little time in illustrating why Paramount’s publicity department called her “The Threat.”
Though she was given little in the way of quality material during her all-too-brief career, Scott had the kind of sultry looks and prickly presence that were tailor-made for film noir, and was briefly seen as the studio’s answer to the Warner Brothers upstart siren Lauren Bacall. And, on a personal note, if I had to be shot by or because of a ’40s femme fatale, she would certainly make the short list of dames worth dying for, right alongside Rita Hayworth, Gene Tierney, Jane Greer and Yvonne De Carlo. (Geez, who knew I was so easy?)
UPDATE: The Scott quotes have been credited elsewhere to the Daily Express.
RECOMMENDED READING: There are Scott fans who’ve sent me defensive emails over the years about her sexuality, even though I never labeled it in this post. More than once I was told “She was a Republican!”, as if that means anything. (So was Rock Hudson.)
The man-crazy take on Scott is more of a recent phenomenon. It’s reflected on fan sites and in iterations of her Wikipedia page linking her to basically every man she was ever photographed with (even names that don’t help the cause, like Van Johnson), a curiosity that wasn’t as common prior to her 2015 death. Historically, the man she was most consistently linked with was producer Hal Wallis, and it was often insinuated that it was a transactional relationship on Scott’s end.
For the more traditional gay Hollywood take on both Scott and her Confidential woes, you might consider consulting books like William J. Mann’s Behind the Screen: How Gays and Lesbians Shaped Hollywood, 1910-1969 and Diana McLellan’s The Girls: Sappho Goes to Hollywood. The public and private travails of Scott only take up a few pages in each of those volumes, but the details will be of interest to certain readers.
Her name pops up unexpectedly in some memoirs as well. In Curtis Harrington’sNice Guys Don’t Work in Hollywood, the filmmaker (Killer Bees; The Cat Creature) recounts an early gig as a messenger boy for Paramount studios. He recalls lesbian rumors, including those linking her to Bankhead, following her from New York to Hollywood, despite common knowledge of her situation with Wallis. However, he adds nothing new to what’s been previously written.
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With Passover starting this weekend, you probably find yourself wondering, “That obnoxious lesbian moron who projectile vomits her obnoxious lesbian moronishness all over the Internet, I wonder what kind of matzo she likes.” Well, wonder no more! My favorite matzo, the love of my matzo life, is that sexy mofo pictured above.
That’s right, Manischewitz Egg & Onion matzo—which isn’t intended for Passover, I’d be remiss not to point out—is my official matzo of choice. Take a look at that box. Take a look at that matzo! How can you resist its egg and oniony goodness? You can’t. It’s impossible. And, really, when you consider that most other matzos taste like cardboard (or what I imagine cardboard would taste like, because I don’t recall having tried it), what other choice do you have?
Ever mindful of my health and concerned for my personal safety, I want to begin this post by making something perfectly clear: I, Cranky Lesbian, have nothing against Michelle Rodriguez. As far as I can tell, she’s a passable actress. She was an engaging presence in Girlfight, and I remember reading that she tried to turn her court-ordered ankle bracelet into a fashion accessory, which shows she has a sense of humor. In fact, I like Michelle Rodriguez so much that I’m going to stand up for her right now and say that the time she was busted for driving under the influence — I think it was bullshit. That’s right, bullshit.
As you can see from her mugshot, she doesn’t look wasted. Rather, she looks upset but slightly hopeful, like she might break into song (maybe “Tomorrow” from Annie) at any moment. I would bet anything she hadn’t been drinking or smoking pot or whatever it was she’d supposedly been doing just prior to her arrest. I strongly suspect that what happened was she’d just caught the tail end of Fried Green Tomatoes on USA and was crying at Idgie’s inability to accept Ruth’s death. She was distraught, obviously — Mary Stuart Masterson played the hell out of that deathbed scene — but at the same time she felt inspired knowing that Ruth’s memory would live on in the hearts of all who loved her.
I’m telling you, I know I’m right. You can see it in her face, how she’s thinking about little one-armed Buddy playing catch while Ruth looks down lovingly from her cloud-perch in heaven. She’s thinking to herself, “So what if this is a bum rap? Life goes on. Sipsey keeps on cooking and Idgie moves to Los Angeles, where she opens a bookstore and lives with her cousin Spence. I’ll make it through this. If I could read the entire BloodRayne script, I can make it through anything.”
I wanted to get all of that out of the way, to formally establish myself as a Rodriguez supporter, before addressing comments the actress recently made to Latina magazine about rumors that she’s the lezziest lez to ever have lezzed — since the invention of the Internet, at least. You see, Rodriguez, when asked about the bloggers (cough, Perez Hilton, cough) who out her once or twice a month, generously replied, “I picture them turning into pigs, slime coming out the side of their mouth, and I picture them jerking off.”
That comment I’m going to let pass, because the woman is obviously in mental anguish if she’s picturing bloggers masturbating. It’s the rest of her quote I find interesting, because she continued, “I don’t answer those questions. I just keep it to myself and it’s nobody’s business. If I wanna fuck a girl, a boy, a dog — that’s my business. That’s why there’s bathroom doors.”
So, yeah. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Bathroom doors? It’s like she’s trying to out herself when she says stuff like that. The gays, that’s what we’re famous for — the bathroom sex. Oh, sure, the unwashed heterosexual masses might labor under the illusion that it’s the guys who have all the restroomy fun, with their wide stances and impromptu George Michael concerts and all, but check out any season of The L Word and if you can make it through all the cringe-inducing hackery and general insipidness, you’ll see that the non-germaphobic lady-lovin’ ladies out there know their way around a bathroom stall as well.
If you’re going to grab a same-sex partner and go at it in public (and it’s not like I’m coming right out and calling Michelle Rodriguez gay or anything — there’s no slime coming out of my mouth — but she doesn’t strike me as someone who is diametrically opposed to going at it in public), there’s no better place to get away with it than a bathroom. Well, that or a Linens ‘n Things, because I understand people don’t go there anymore.
Note to Michelle: If you don’t want people to speculate about your sexuality, think before you talk! And please, please don’t beat me up for saying that. I’m short and frail and terribly uncoordinated. It’s doubtful I could throw a punch. Picking on me would be like picking on a third grader. Anyway, I watched three-fourths of Blue Crush one night on Starz, so I think you’ll agree you owe me a pass on this one.
“If you see a painted sign at the side of the road…”
Luke Macfarlane, a cute young actor who appears on ABC’s mawkish Brothers & Sisters, came out today in an interview with Canada’s Globe and Mail, in what can only be described as a crushing blow to every straight female fan of Prison Break who has ever posted the words “Wentworth Miller isn’t gay, he just hasn’t found the right girl yet” on an Internet message board. You see, Macfarlane, who was previously linked to Grey’s Anatomy star T.R. Knight, is known to spend time with Miller, and Perez Hilton raised eyebrows last summer by declaring them a romantic item.
Now, if you take the Miller-obsessed IMDb crazies at their word, the two of them are probably just partaking in aggressively heterosexual activities together, like watching Showgirls (for the naked women, not the delicious campiness) and lifting weights (for their health and the natural high they get from exercise, not the sweaty partial male nudity—yes, when I imagine these two lifting weights together, the shirts eventually come off). But me, I’m a romantic, so I prefer to think they’re making sweet, sweet love together and cuddling to Golden Girls reruns while drifting off to sleep.
You can read the interview in its entirety at the Globe and Mail website, but here’s the swoon-worthy part:
Though no secret to his family and close friends, Macfarlane has, until now, been guarded about his personal life as a gay man. Over lunch in Los Angeles, where he lives, he initially insists that he has no concerns about his public revelation—but a few seconds later he is shifting nervously in his chair, and concedes that he is “terrified.”
“I don’t know what will happen professionally … that is the fear, but I guess I can’t really be concerned about what will happen, because it’s my truth.”
Congratulations to Luke on coming out, and may a bit of his integrity rub off on all of those other actors and actresses who are currently “guarded” about their personal lives. You don’t have to tell us who you’re fucking, ladies and gentlemen, just get the hell out of the closet.
And in other news…
Cynthia Nixon was on Good Morning America earlier to talk about surviving breast cancer, and you can see why the Point Foundation saw fit to honor her last week when she talks about her family. During her sit-down interview with Cynthia McFadden, Nixon recalls her partner Christine Marinoni’s reaction to her diagnosis (“She was in a panic. She was just trying to calm herself down any way she could”) and talks about her children’s relationship with Marinoni, saying:
“They love her. They call her Mom. They call me Mommy. My son is very funny. Sometimes he says Mom, and it’s obvious he means both of us or either of us. He just says Mom and whoever answers is fine.”
You might note that McFadden mentions the last time she talked with Nixon about her personal life, things got a little “dicey.” Nixon opted not to reply, “If by ‘dicey’ you mean your line of questioning got a little patronizing,” but that’s just because she’s a class act.
If you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about (and people rarely do), here’s a refresher course: Two years ago, in her quest to overdramatize Nixon’s remarkably matter-of-fact coming out, McFadden conjured images of The Children’s Hour by actually uttering the words, “You know an old friend of mine says if you can live through the thing you think you can’t and survive…” McFadden, who has enjoyed high-profile friendships with the likes of Katharine Hepburn and Liz Smith, should have known better for obvious reasons.
Jackie Warner: Personal trainer or Britney Spears backup dancer?
All of Bravo exec Andy Cohen’s straight female friends are just crazy about Bravo’s Work Out star Jackie Warner, the New York Timesreported this morning. The Times didn’t do much in the way of independently verifying Cohen’s claims, which include him saying, “I’m from St. Louis. When I go home a lot of times I’m amazed by the suburban married women that are coming up to me and saying, ‘I’m in love with Jackie Warner,'” and trotting out the obligatory married-with-children female friend to pontificate on her girl crush. But let’s be honest — does anyone care?
I know I don’t, but I thought I’d point out the Cohen quote in that half-assed way of mine because I, too, hail from St. Louis, andnone of the married suburbanites I know have ever declared their love or lust for Jackie Warner. In fact, I’d be surprised if more than a couple of them could even tell you who Jackie Warner is. (A majority would probably furrow their brows and ask if she’s related to Kurt.) However, they do think the soft butch KSDK reporter who used to co-host Show Me St. Louis is attractive. If anyone at the Times wants to report on that, I can put you in touch with some people.
The new season of Work Out starts tomorrow, btw. Will Jackie find another heterosexual-with-attention-whore-tendencies employee to make out with while the rest of the gang looks on in horror? Will Peeler still be as bald as my seventh grade algebra teacher? And who are all the people I don’t recognize in this year’s cast photo? There’s a preview available on Bravo’s website that might answer some of these questions; I haven’t bothered to look at it yet because my Tuesday night viewing plans are all about Lars and the Real Girl.
Is this big daddy a dangerously overweight cat or the furry dwarf cousin of incorrigible comic and former Hollywood Squares personality Bruce Vilanch? View all the pics and then you make the call.
