Cranky Lesbian

Look what the homosexuals have done to me!

Category: Uncategorized Page 1 of 16

Comedy of Errors

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On November 20, 2022

In Uncategorized

It has been quite a week here, beginning with an ultrasound of my swollen underarm that revealed unsuspicious lymph nodes. As I primly and eloquently told my wife leading up to the appointment, “My doctors are so far up my ass that if anything was horribly wrong, they would know by now.” This returns us to square one, with my rheumatologist uncertain if it’s a reaction to Humira or something else that’s responsible for my arm pain and discomfort. Until she figures out our next move, there’s not much to do but suck it up and see if a steroid taper reduces the swelling.

In other intrigue, Crankenstein has been under the weather. When asked for a self-diagnosis, she pronounced her illness “F*ck if I know.” She had a sore throat, fever and fatigue. She is often exposed to COVID at work, including in the week leading up to her illness. Her initial concern was that we stay away from each other, so I played nurse from a distance until her fever broke. After three negative COVID tests on successive evenings, she escaped her bedroom exile and daringly sat on the couch—and then got sick again later that night. Now she’s back on the mend and probably relieved I watched Flood! without her.

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Hanging Around in the Lost and Found

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On September 20, 2022

In Uncategorized

Do you recognize this commemorative Elvis Pez display? There’s someone who might see this one day and recall it was a gift from a beloved relative. I was told to toss it out several years ago, when he was still alive, but hesitated because of its sentimental value.

It’s still sealed, moved houses with me, and is dusted like clockwork every Monday. It’s kept far away from peanut butter and bananas for obvious reasons. Earlier this year I meant to bring it up if we got in touch and those plans went awry. Should you see this and decide you want it, track me down and I’ll get it to you or one of his other survivors if they’d like it. I’m posting this now in case Federer’s retirement spurs you to check in.

For everyone else, I’ll be back later this week with a special telefilm review inspired by a reader email and there’s still more Golden Girls and Charlie’s Angels on the way.

Something’s (Maybe?) Happening Here

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On October 16, 2020

In Uncategorized

As you may have noticed, what it is ain’t exactly clear. I’m in the process of transferring the Cranky Lesbian archives from Blogger to another platform. There will be hiccups along the way but hopefully in the coming week those formatting issues (including redundant images) will be sorted out. I’ll also put up some bonus content that originally appeared elsewhere circa 2014. After that, who knows, maybe the occasional new movie-related post, seeing as there’s not much to do in a prolonged COVID-19 lockdown but revisit TV movies starring Judith Light and Elizabeth Montgomery.

Homophobic Parents Ruin Lesbian Action for Viewers of Crappy TV Show

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On March 27, 2009

In TV, Uncategorized

Remember earlier this month when I speculated that maybe parents of teens and pre-teens in Australia wouldn’t act like fuckheads about the upcoming lesbian kissage on Home and Away? I was wrong. The Australian is now reporting that “Since the lesbian story-line began two weeks ago, 100,000 viewers have turned off and complaints have been flooding in,” prompting producers to edit the kiss, which was reportedly “no more intimate than any kiss shared by a heterosexual couple” on the show, to make it less explicit.

You’d think concerned parents in Australia would have bigger things to worry about than a simple TV lip-lock, but maybe that’s part of the problem—they’re too busy watching TV and bitching about ‘the gays’ to make sure their kids aren’t depressed or pregnant. (It’s almost like they think they’re Americans…)

UPDATED (04/01/09): For some reason it’s making headlines that the controversy-stirring kiss in question aired on Home and Away in Australia on Tuesday as planned. I’m not quite sure what all the hullabaloo is about, as you’ll recall that the original report never said the kiss was being scrapped altogether, just that “some of the more intimate close-up images of policewoman Charlie Buckton and deckhand Joey Collins sharing a passionate kiss” would be cut. That fits with what network honcho Bevan Lee had to say about the episode; from the Telegraph article linked to above: “Home and Away bosses had decided to air the first, more gentle kiss, without the ‘more lusty’ follow up because it fitted better with the storyline.”

In other words, this isn’t much of a victory, it’s exactly what we were told was going to happen back when this first made news, even if Lee maintains the decision to show a tamer kiss was merely “artistic” in nature.

The Obligatory Happy New Year Post

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On December 31, 2008

In Uncategorized

Sibel Kekilli tries to stop Birol Ünel’s bleeding in Head On

I could take this opportunity to mention that, being a consummate fuddy-duddy, I’ve never understood why people get so excited about ringing in the new year — they do realize that nothing has changed and they’re all still going to die, don’t they? — but instead I’ll just be nice and brief and wish you all a happy New Year and remind you not to drink and drive.

Oh, and none of you plan on wearing ridiculous party hats and holding noisemakers like you’re little kids at a backyard birthday party tonight, do you? You’re adults now; it’s time to worry a little less about being loud and having fun and a little more about nuclear proliferation and global water shortages and Israel’s uncertain future.

My greatest New Year’s Eve to date was spent watching Fatih Akin’s Head On, a Turkish-German movie that makes you want to kill yourself (in the best possible way, of course) for two hours. It leaves you as bruised and battered and emotionally depleted as its lonely, displaced protagonists, and when it’s over you’ll feel more like jamming your hands in your pockets and going for a long walk by yourself than clanging pots and pans and setting off fireworks. I wish my neighbors would watch it tonight; maybe then they wouldn’t be so goddamn annoying at the stroke of midnight.

I Just Don’t Know What to Do With Myself

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On December 28, 2008

In Uncategorized

“Why are those young women water-skiing in tutus?”

What the hell are people supposed to do when they’re on vacation? I’m several days into an almost two-week vacation and I’ve already run out of ideas. I decided against traveling, opting to save money instead, and the only things I told myself I had to do over the next two weeks were sleep late and re-watch the Todd Haynes film Far From Heaven, which I loved six years ago and hadn’t seen since. Now that each of those modest goals has been met (and I still love Far From Heaven, though it doesn’t knock Safe out of position as Haynes’ masterwork), what’s my next vacation-y order of business?

According to the Go-Go’s, who dispense wisdom like PEZ candy (and who were, it should be noted, coked to the gills in the early ’80s when they first made this suggestion), I’m supposed to water-ski while wearing a tutu and tiara. According to Punch-Drunk Love, I’m supposed to buy copious amounts of pudding and then rendezvous with Emily Watson in Hawaii. Or I could go the Far From Heaven route, book a trip to sunny Miami with my doting wife (who doesn’t exist, but let’s not get hung up on details) and get cruised by a younger Truman Capote lookalike who will lure me out of the closet. The second option, I guess, sounds the most appealing, but what would I do with all the pudding?

Mondays Are Bullshit

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On December 22, 2008

In Uncategorized

And so are most Tuesdays and Wednesdays, come to think of it. Thursdays are different. Thursday is the most perfect of all the days of the week because it means Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday are over, but you still have Friday and Saturday and Sunday to look forward to. What’s not to like about that?

Looking forward to the weekend is, at least in my experience, sometimes better than the weekend itself. I blame this in part on The Cure, who carried on about Fridays with such unbridled enthusiasm that it makes my own Fridays seem anticlimactic in comparison, and on Jean-Luc Godard, who made me associate weekends with being captured by cannibalistic guerrillas in hippie garb.

In any case, I am now plunged headlong into three days of existential despair (and high melodrama, judging from my theatrics in this post) as I wait for Thursday, the Barack Obama of weekdays, to arrive, bringing with it the hope of a weekend that will probably suck anyway. If only I were an alcoholic or abused drugs, perhaps I’d be happier right now.

As Awards Season Begins, A Question

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On December 16, 2008

In Uncategorized

How did Holly Hunter win the Best Actress Oscar over Angela Bassett in 1993? It’s not that I’m surprised the Academy made the wrong decision, because the Academy makes the wrong decisions all the time. It’s more that I’m surprised they’d collectively risk pissing Bassett off. Because, well, look at those arms. One shot of her in a skimpy dress in What’s Love Got to Do With It tells the story, and the story is this: Angela Bassett is unlike Chuck Norris in that she’s a gifted actor, but very much like Chuck Norris in that she could kill you with her bare hands.

(And, frankly, I wouldn’t mind her killing me with her bare hands, but that’s a private matter I’d rather not discuss in front of any strangers who might find this while Googling some horrible combination of either Holly Hunter or Angela Bassett and “fucking” and Chuck Norris. The Internet is full of freaks, and I’ll have enough of those to contend with next week when I get together with my family for Hanukkah.)

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Reflections on the Death of an Old Queen

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On December 13, 2008

In Uncategorized

If the New York Times is going to pretend the newly dead actor Van Johnson was heterosexual, how can I believe what they write about anything else?

(As a bonus, here’s a link to an old magazine cover with Johnson looking not unlike Cynthia Nixon’s partner.)

No, No, Thanksgiving Didn’t Kill Me

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On December 5, 2008

In Uncategorized

For no reason whatsoever, Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters dancing in The Jerk.

Neither did an evil fetus, if you thought that was a possibility. I’ve just been busy lately, as everyone is this time of year, and unfortunately (or perhaps very fortunately, depending on how you look at it) it has kept me from posting all manner of nonsense here.

You can imagine the mental anguish this caused when, the week before last, I read that Miranda Richardson — who still hasn’t called me, I’m sad to report — apparently expressed her desire to play a Calamity Jane type role in a Western-themed hypothetical fifth season of Blackadder. (If you guessed my response was going to involve some kind of speculation that Richardson might have sung “Secret Love” to an audience of pillows in her bedroom once or twice during her formative years, you know me all too well.)

Or the way my fingers have itched to write, enthusiastically and at great length, horrible things about Mike Huckabee every time he opens his yap about “the gays” and violence and our terrible oppression of Christians and whatnot. (If you guessed my response was going to involve some kind of link to this photo of his family, you — well, you know the rest.) It has been exasperating to me that I haven’t had time for any of that.

Hopefully I’ll be back to making all of you roll your eyes and murmur, “Christ, what an idiot,” within the next few days. Until then, I leave you with one of the greatest clips in the history of movies. Nary a week goes by that I don’t find the opportunity to work “Is this the Cocksucker residence?” or “Listen to your filthy mouth, you fucking whore!” into a conversation. Preferably with my grandma.

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