“Why are those young women water-skiing in tutus?”

What the hell are people supposed to do when they’re on vacation? I’m several days into an almost two-week vacation and I’ve already run out of ideas. I decided against traveling, opting to save money instead, and the only things I told myself I had to do over the next two weeks were sleep late and re-watch the Todd Haynes film Far From Heaven, which I loved six years ago and hadn’t seen since. Now that each of those modest goals has been met (and I still love Far From Heaven, though it doesn’t knock Safe out of position as Haynes’ masterwork), what’s my next vacation-y order of business?

According to the Go-Go’s, who dispense wisdom like PEZ candy (and who were, it should be noted, coked to the gills in the early ’80s when they first made this suggestion), I’m supposed to water-ski while wearing a tutu and tiara. According to Punch-Drunk Love, I’m supposed to buy copious amounts of pudding and then rendezvous with Emily Watson in Hawaii. Or I could go the Far From Heaven route, book a trip to sunny Miami with my doting wife (who doesn’t exist, but let’s not get hung up on details) and get cruised by a younger Truman Capote lookalike who will lure me out of the closet. The second option, I guess, sounds the most appealing, but what would I do with all the pudding?