Cranky Lesbian

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Tag: Tennis Page 2 of 4

French Open Highlights and Kasatkina’s Gay Q&A

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On June 1, 2022

In Tennis

Mary Carillo: “Je vois la vie en clay.”

Tournament Highlights

What a great French Open this has been so far, scheduling snafus aside. And we still have the women’s semifinals and finals to go, while the men wrap up their remaining quarterfinals (I’m hoping Cilic and Ruud win theirs). Among the highlights:

  • The emotional retirement ceremony of Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, one of my favorite ATP players, at his home tournament.
  • Gille Simon’s magical late-night first-round upset of Pablo Carreño Busta. Simon, who will retire at the end of the season, could barely stand as the fifth set drew to a close but was carried along by a rapturous home crowd while his excited kids watched from the stands.
  • Carlos Alcaraz’s 131 mph overhead bomb that fueled his second-round comeback against Albert Ramos-Viñolas.
  • Nadal’s quarterfinal victory over Djokovic, which wasn’t as close as the fourth-set scoreline might suggest.
  • Daria Kasatkina’s run to the semifinals. She’s a stealthy all-surface threat who is often overlooked by commentators due to her weak serve. She had a favorable draw at Roland Garros this year and made the most of it. (For those of you who found this page by searching for “Kasatkina lesbian,” click this post, scroll down a bit, and we’ll get to that.)
  • The ascendance of both Coco Gauff and Italy’s Martina Trevisan, a journeywoman who is radiant both on the court and in her writing. I found this piece about her recovery from an eating disorder quite moving (here’s an English translation). My wife battled anorexia for a very long time. She, like Trevisan, shares her story widely in hopes of helping others, and it takes a lot of guts to do it. The worst part of a Gauff/Trevisan semi is I’d like them both to win.
  • Iga Świątek continues to not only kick ass but to comport herself exactly as you’d expect from someone whose head is always in a book, whether she’s forgetting her age or experiencing chronic confusion about whether it’s a changeover.
  • Updated to add: Ruud just prevailed over the homophobic assclown Rune, and Rune barely shook Ruud’s hand at the net afterward, prompting Ruud to shake his head at his opponent’s immaturity. My wife, who has heard me complain about Rune before, looked up from her phone to joke “Would’ve been kind of funny if Ruud had said ‘Allez, f*ggot.'” (When Rune got in trouble for using anti-gay slurs, he claimed it was self-directed.)

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Weekend Viewing: Roland-Garros Begins

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On May 21, 2022

In Tennis

“Voulez-vous coucher avec tennis?”

After all the excitement of our Mother’s Day Marathon, what with Patty Duke terrorizing her family, Loni Anderson whoring around, Elizabeth Montgomery’s sundry acts of deviousness, and Stockard Channing dramatically vowing not to help her daughter become a lesbian, I took a little break to watch a bunch of tennis.

From my couch I savored every dazzling moment of Carlos Alcaraz’s triumph in Madrid and Iga Świątek’s ruthless brilliance in Rome. My wife, a Tolkien fanatic who is about as interested in tennis as I am in Middle-earth, took notice of Świątek’s dominance and asked what “bagels” and “breadsticks” were in tennis parlance, and then dutifully sent me memes such as this:

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Fun With Google Translate

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On September 23, 2014

In Tennis

“For I am nothing macho, missing more. I fashioned you can cross to see problems of sharing a locker room with a girl, but then to talk about sexism … If I want to pee in front of a girl? Not at all. That will be outdated in any case.”

baffling google translation of toni nadal

A bit of Google Translate-assisted wisdom from Toni Nadal, the perennially hat-wearing, leg-crossing, Y-chromosome possessing uncle and coach of Rafael Nadal, reacting to the appointment of Gala León, a uterus-having woman, as the captain of Spain’s male Davis Cup team.

You can read the original Spanish-language article here, whilst I imagine Uncle Toni feverishly reworking “O Captain! My Captain!” to something along these lines:

O Captain! My Captain! our fearful matches played;
The team has weather’d every foe, the prize we sought is won; 
The trophy is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting, 
While follow eyes the steady keel, Rafa’s biceps grim and daring:

But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the court my Captain lies,
She’s on her period.

Martina and Chrissie, As Reflected by Their Tweets

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On August 22, 2014

In BFFs

Note: This is an eight-year-old post that was accidentally set to ‘private.’ It’s not new or even worth reading!

And now, as the U.S. Open approaches, a post that won’t make sense to anyone unfamiliar with BFFs/former arch-rivals Martina Navratilova and Chris Evert.

Both women are on Twitter, where their musings appear to accurately reflect their personalities: Martina is uber-political and might link to New York Times articles more often than official New York Times Twitter feeds; Chris frequently mentions her family, compliments her colleagues, and has flirted with Scott Foley of TV’s Scandal. She’s been known to retweet photos of butterflies and mantras that inspire Wynonna Judd. Let’s take a look at some of their tweets.

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The Obligatory “OMFG, Federer!” Post

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On July 6, 2009

In Tennis

Back in May*, I asked if eight greater words than “Federer stuns clay king Nadal in Madrid final” had been written all year. That’s a distant memory now, with the French Open in the rearview mirror, and this evening I saw a ten-word proclamation that must certainly qualify as the best headline I’ve read all year (other than “Palin Resigns”): “Roger Federer confirms he is greatest ever in wonderful finale.” To my father, who has been antagonizing me since Federer’s bout with mono last year by saying at the start of every tournament that his best playing days are behind him: you can shut up now.

*I know, I know, what happened to June? Your guess is as good as mine.

The Eight Greatest Words Written So Far This Year?

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On May 17, 2009

In Tennis

Are the eight greatest words written so far this year, “Federer stuns clay king Nadal in Madrid final” — my vote is yes.

And People Wonder Why I’m Always in a Bad Mood

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On April 4, 2009

In In the News

When you can’t log on to the Internet without reading stories like this and this, and when you can’t turn on a tennis match anymore without seeing Roger Federer lose to an inferior opponent, what is there to be happy about?

About Roger Federer’s Loss

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On February 2, 2009

In Tennis

A few days ago, someone asked if I’d wear Jeanne Moreau’s veil again if Roger Federer lost to Rafael Nadal in Sunday’s Australian Open final. The answer was maybe, depending on the match. The Wimbledon loss had been a heartbreaker and required a period of mourning. The Australian Open final turned out to be different. By the time it was over, Federer was crying like his name was Stella Dallas, but for me it was less a heartbreaker (there was no good reason for him to have lost this time) than a head-scratcher. And so the veil is staying put — for now. Hopefully nothing will happen later this year to change that.

In happier, non-tennis news…

Cherry Jones digs Golda Meier and uses the word “goyim” in this interview about her work on the new season of 24. I don’t watch 24 (its creator, Joel Surnow, donated $2,000 to Rick Santorum in 2006 and I’d feel dirty doing anything that might help line his pockets), but in the wake of Tammy Lynn Michaels going nuts about Rick Warren and misspelling “yarmulke” all over the place in December, I was dreading the next shout-out a lesbian celebrity gave to the Jews. Thank you, Cherry Jones, for not making strange comments about matzo ball soup. You’re a mensch.

“We’re the Stains, and We Don’t Put Out”

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On January 31, 2009

In Tennis

Lady Gaga will revive this look any day now.

ESPN2’s live broadcast of the women’s final of the Australian Open doesn’t start until 3:30 a.m. ET, and having just finished listening to the audio commentary Diane Lane and Laura Dern provided for the DVD release of Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains (who knew Diane Lane said “Bless” so much?), I’m running out of things to do in the meantime.

The question, I suppose, is whether it’s worth staying up for the match, which will re-air at a more reasonable time later in the morning. Dinara Safina and Serena Williams are thrilling to watch when they’re in control of their heads, but what if only one of them shows up mentally today? It could make for a terribly boring one-sided match, and who wants to lose sleep to watch one of those — especially with Federer/Nadal coming up tomorrow night. I’m conflicted.

P.S. You know the only thing Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains was missing? Some Times Square-esque lesbian overtones. That the screenplay made that impossible by having all the band mates be related was kind of lame. Aren’t girl bands always better when one or two members give off a queer vibe? That’s the only reason I ever watched a Spice Girls music video: to gauge who fit the bill.

It’s a Good Thing It Is (Or Was) Saturday

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On January 25, 2009

In Tennis

Because my nerves are going to need a day to recover from those Safina and Federer matches.

(Yes, this was a paltry post, but I’m still too jittery to write anything else. Give me a few hours to calm down and sleep a little, and then I’ll try to scrounge up something to complain about.)

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