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Tag: Salacious Gossip

Hedy Lamarr’s Ecstasy and Me: WTF?!

Does Hedy Lamarr’s Ecstasy and Me: My Life as a Woman contain the oddest introduction and preface in the history of autobiography? Ostensibly penned by her physician (a move you’d expect from Elizabeth Taylor), the introduction reads more like the work of Dr. Spaceman from 30 Rock (a Dr. Spaceman, it should be noted, who is on his best behavior), leading one to wonder just what Lamarr was up to when she inked a deal with Bartholomew House Publishers for the 1966 book she later claimed was ghostwritten, not to mention “fictional, false, vulgar, scandalous, libelous and obscene.” Perhaps she was distracted while working on her night cheese?

Lamarr, an actress better known for her beauty than her craft, had a turbulent personal life and rocky Hollywood career. Today she is best remembered as the co-inventor of spread spectrum technology, an innovation that paved the way for cellphones and wi-fi, but for many years her biggest claim to fame was her erratic behavior: she married often, dabbled in shoplifting (for which she was busted twice, once in the ’60s and again in the ’90s) and was litigious to the nth degree. Nearly 50 years after its first printing, Ecstasy and Me remains a lurid curiosity among celebrity tell-alls for its focus on the more, uh, sensual side of Lamarr’s life (her “life as a woman,” you see), and the introduction is intended to supply the whole sordid affair a veneer of respectability. Let’s take a look at it, shall we?

INTRODUCTION

I have been a physician for many years, treating many Hollywood personalities including Hedy Lamarr. I have come to the conclusion that in most cases there are enough demands and pressures on stars to cause any and every kind of physical breakdown.

An actress such as Miss Lamarr, who spent some thirty years in the hub of motion picture production and raised three children as well, can be thankful she survived the rough and treacherous grind at all.

Pills and alcohol are of temporary help for some motion picture stars in the battle against pressures, but the antidote is often worse than the poison.

Consider a Marilyn Monroe or a Dorothy Dandridge who may take an overdose of pills, whether accidentally or not. Or a Judy Garland who attempts suicide. It could be that their momentary depressions would pass and they would be happy the next day.

It is ironic that the very sensitivity required for talent is the cause of breakdowns.

Is there a real antidote for the kind of ambition that creates unquenchable drives? Yes. Though it may sound trite, other interests far removed from motion pictures can relieve the never-ending pressure.

It would seem to me that in this enlightened era, studio production heads would protect their valuable stars by making the filming of pictures easier for them. It may call for less shooting hours per dayin England there is no overtime workor better working conditions.

Stars have complained to me that much of their pressure, especially in television, builds up because scripts are usually being written and rewritten as they work. Certainly more expedient methods are possible without inhibiting the creative process.

From a medical point of view, I’d say that there are many important actressesand they are the most talented, and therefore the most susceptiblewho cannot, no matter how they are helped, withstand the nervous strain of picture making as it is done today. They should simply not be involved in it.

Now I’ve had my medical say. As for this book which I just finished reading, it is the most fascinating, revealing and honest life story I’ve ever read. It is a classic case of a talent who sacrificed the happiness of which she was capable, in exchange for fame and money. But then, who’s to say she was wrong?

j. lewis bruce, m.d.

“Who’s to say she was wrong?” indeed, Dr. Gossip (and no, Judy Garland wasn’t going to be happy the next day, not in a meaningful way, any more than Raymond Burr was going to be obese on a Thursday and slender by Friday). But wait, along comes the preface to make everything much weirder:

PREFACE

Whether in a passionate sexual encounter with a man who mistakes her for a prostitute, or in a cloak-and-dagger chase of high adventure, Hedy Lamarr’s responses as reported in ECSTASY AND ME appear to be blissfully unaffected by moral standards that our contemporary culture declares as acceptable.

She is an uninhibited spirit, unfettered by a code of conventional behavior, supremely conscious of the privilege and latitude the world bestows upon a superbly beautiful woman aware of her physical endowments.

ECSTASY AND ME is a story of the classic femme fatale for whom fame, fortune, and sexual excess are the inevitable fruits of great beauty on the make.

Miss Lamarr’s manifold sexual experiences, male and female, led her to the delightfully ingenuous self-prognosis that she is “oversexed.” Her admitted talent for quick and joyful orgasm indicates an uncomplicated natural sex response. Her curious search for new love-play settings and her candid delight in unexpected sexual episodes place her in a position of psychological unassailability. Not only does she possess a unique set of moral standards, but she expresses herself in a most intimate manner, in exquisite detail, and in the first person singular!

ECSTASY AND ME is an entrancing personal document as revealing as the contents of a girl’s locked diary. It is probably as good for Miss Lamarr’s psyche as it will be for many a guilt-ridden reader for whom this gutsy confessional may offer resultful therapy, if not instant emancipation.

philip lambert, psychologist

Dr. Philip Lambert, we’re told, was a Ph.D. who received his doctorate in Educational Psychology from the University of California (Berkeley) and was Chairman of the University of Wisconsin’s Instructional Laboratory and Director of its famed (according to Bartholomew Press) Synnoetics Center. That’s right, synnoetics. Google it and scratch your head.

In other words, he ejaculated mindless blather for a living and was trotted out like a William Castle gimmick to legitimize a salacious and most likely highly fictionalized account of a life that hardly needed any sensationalizing. And then, had he been a medical doctor, he might have made Hedy dance for happy shots or asked when medical science is going to find a cure for a woman’s mouthand it would still be less embarrassing than having your professional reputation attached to that strange preface.

P.S. Sadly I cannot, in the first person singular, report having been visited by feelings of “instant emancipation” after reading Ecstasy and Me, but I do seem to recall a Hilary Mantel piece in the London Review of Books about the erotic awakening she experienced after reading Florence Henderson’s autobiography, so if that’s what you’re after you might consider looking there.

Inside Rielle Hunter’s Illicit Love Affair with Salad

Ahem: “John Edwards, Salad, and Me.”

If you were unfortunate enough to read Rielle Hunter’s What Really Happened: John Edwards, Our Daughter, and Me (I didn’t have much choice; some things in life are beyond our control), the first thing you probably noticed is that she’s an absolute idiot. The second is that she loves salad.

With each new chapter of this slender but not slender enough volume, it seems she’s traveling to yet another dreary hotel for an assignation with Edwards. (She calls him “Johnny” almost as relentlessly as she eats salad, for “Johnny” is what’s on his birth certificate and thus most representative of his true self. If you search the Kindle edition of her book for “Johnny,” the device will pant and wheeze before the results exceed 500 and it stops counting.) He is so busy with campaign commitments and marital spats that a bored Hunter has no choice but to console herself with salad. Lots of salad.

Let’s stroll with her down a lettuce-strewn memory lane, shall we, and revisit these tender scenes from her past.

“Anyone Had Any Dirty Phone Calls Lately?”

“Anyone had any dirty phone calls lately?” Apparently that’s what a lascivious John Gielgud would be asking if he were still alive. Since he’s dead as dead can be, I’ll ask instead: Anyone had any dirty phone calls lately? I haven’t.

A few days ago I picked up on the third or fourth ring and was greeted by heavy breathing that was ultimately revealed as the work of my grandfather, who sucks in air like Darth Vader over the phone (when he isn’t coughing and loudly repeating everything he’s told to my poor, disinterested grandmother). Was I disappointed? Perhaps, but only a little. You never know what obscene phone calls tomorrow might bring, and I’m always hoping for something that mirrors the famous “212 Fuck You” exchange from Serial Mom.

Anyway, writer Michael Thornton wants everyone to know that Gielgud was a dirty birdy (TM Misery) who liked younger men, didn’t practice monogamy (is that like practicing the clarinet—the longer you do it, the better you get?), and (presumably) whacked it to pictures of a nude Iggy Pop. And then told Judi Dench about it, perhaps.

Sometimes the Headlines Write Themselves

It’s been a while since we last flipped through the pages of British tabloids (one can only stomach so many stories about little boys who might be fathers; and previously reviled cancer-stricken reality TV stars who are contemplating dying on camera), but today I saw a headline I couldn’t resist: “Gay City Roller.”

If you think you know where this is headed — that a member of the Bay City Rollers, a group I’m more familiar with as a punch line than as musicians (my middle-aged mom was more of a Carole King and Carly Simon girl in her youth) — has come out of the closet, you’re right. Sort of.

Singer Les McKeown, who fronted the band for most of the ’70s, admitted during an appearance on the British TV show Rehab (which is apparently similar to VH1’s Celebrity Rehab, a program I hope that none of you watch — there are much better things you could be doing with your time, and it wouldn’t kill you to read a book or take your dog for a walk or something) that he’s been shtupping guys throughout his lengthy marriage to a woman.

The revelation struck the Daily Mail as scandalous, but in reviewing the old photos of McKeown that accompany the article, I’m finding their shock a wee bit disingenuous. For a less tabloidy take on McKeown and his struggles with substance abuse, Scotland on Sunday has an interview with him that doesn’t feature any sidebar links to stories about Posh Spice or Kylie Minogue.

For anyone too lazy or disinterested to click the links, McKeown would like to stay married to his wife despite his interest in men, which is the only thing that prevented me from calling this post “Pop Star Everyone Thought Was Gay Shocks World By Revealing He’s Gay (And It’s Not Ricky Martin).” I mean, I may not be familiar with their music, but who hasn’t heard the “Gay City Rollers” jokes a million times by now?

As a parting bonus, here’s a 30-year-old picture of Les doing a somewhat drunken and dim-witted looking version of jazz hands.

Mariah Carey and Da Brat Drank from the Same Glass, OMG!

We here at Cranky Lesbian, LLC have nothing to say on the subject of Mariah Carey’s sexuality. In fact, we have little to say on the subject of Mariah Carey at all, other than we were recently shocked to learn that the title of her upcoming album has nothing to do with butterflies or rainbows.

We weren’t even going to take time out of our incredibly busy (if by busy you mean we’ve been listening to The Magnetic Fields and playing computer solitaire all day) schedule to mention that the notoriously inaccurate and more-than-occasionally homophobic-sounding gossip site MediaTakeOut is reporting that Mariah Carey and Da Brat were spotted canoodling in L.A. this weekend. Reporteth one of their spies:

I just wanted to tell you guys that Mariah Carey and Da Brat are definitely dating [each other]. They were at [Villa] last night and for almost the whole night Mariah was sitting on Da Brat’s lap. And they were both sharing the same drink – FROM THE SAME GLASS!!!

The way those two were carrying on, I thought they would start kissing right there in front of everyone. BTW Da Brat was looking kinda hot … No Homo.

It’s not that we find it so hard to believe that Carey and Da Brat, who’ve collaborated in the past and are known to be friends, might get their L Word on in private. We know that female sexuality is complex, like a Beach Boys vocal arrangement or doing your taxes with nothing more than a pencil and a calculator.

There are, in fact, only a handful of women on the face of the earth we simply wouldn’t believe lesbian rumors about. (Dr. Laura, Laura Bush, and my grandma come to mind. Well, my paternal grandma. The maternal one’s a bit of a free spirit.) It’s more that we don’t give much credence to reports that contain lines like: “BTW Da Brat was looking kinda hot … No Homo.”

Short Cuts: Herbie the Lesbian Love Bug Edition

“Yeah, my Subaru’s in the shop, so I’ll be driving this for a while.”

When she isn’t dallying heterosexually with fourth-rate rockers in Europe, part-time actress and full-time tabloid fodder Lindsay Lohan is caught in a lesbian love triangle with DJ Samantha Ronson and professional rich kid Courtenay Semel.

I’m on Team Ronson (hey, her brother’s talented), and so far it appears she is winning, because Star magazine reports that Lohan and Semel are no longer roommates and England’s The Sun has pointed out that Lohan was recently photographed wearing a ring with Ronson’s initials on her ring finger.

Of course, Star is basically The Weekly World News with a focus on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie instead of Bigfoot, and The Sun is, well, The Sun, so this is all completely meaningless and only merited space here today because I’m bored at work.

A State of the Cranky Address

See below for explanation.

All over America, and in parts of Canada and Israel, everyone has been asking: Why have I been so quiet lately? (That’s I as in me, the person writing this, and not I as in them, the people asking it. If they had been quiet lately, they’d probably know why. Normally that clarification would introduce a rambling, incoherent parenthetical aside, but I’m pressed for time and will have to settle for this.)

After all, I’m over my illness and haven’t been incarcerated recently, despite a run-in with my parole officer last week. (Here’s a rambling, incoherent parenthetical aside I do have time for — who knew that running guns to Cuba was a parole violation? Shouldn’t they be happy when rehabilitated criminals show a little entrepreneurial spirit? They’re so big on “get a job, get a job, it’s a condition that you have a job,” but then you get a job and all they do is complain.) The answer is… well, I don’t know.

What has there been to talk about? We all know that Sally Kern is a bigot and Eliot Spitzer likes paying for it. Some stories are so widely commented on that mentioning them seems a complete waste of time. And this blog has never been something I intended to use for much in the way of deeply personal writing, so there will be no rambling late-night posts about exes or life-changing events. Nor do I believe that anyone is interested in reading a catalog of the minutiae of my day-to-day life. (When it comes down to it, even I hardly care about what I had for lunch yesterday or the last CD I bought.)

This thing, this so-called blog, is only meant to be an outlet for the occasional outburst or silly observation, something that lets me write when I want to write and maybe reach a few people who are exhaustively searching the Internet for naked pictures of Ken Berry. (If you think I only wrote that sentence so I can monitor how many people actually search the Internet for naked pictures of Ken Berry, you are absolutely correct.) The simple truth is, I’ve been outburst and observation-free for much of March, though I’ve kept an eye on several news sites hoping to find something inspiring. The results, some of which I’ll share with you now, have been largely disappointing:

Jodie Foster is still in the closet, hiding behind that dress you bought for your cousin’s wedding several years ago and haven’t worn since.

Mandy Moore, who is a much better comic actress than most people give her credit for, may or may not have multiple mommies. The National Enquirer, that bastion of journalistic integrity, is reporting that her mother has taken up with a female tennis player. Since it’s not Gabriela Sabatini, I doubt most of you are interested.

Meredith Vieira, ever the kidder, told attendees of a recent National Lesbian & Gay Journalists Association benefit that while she’s not gay herself, she “did spend nine years with the lesbians of The View.” Oh, the hilarity! But wait, Barbara Walters did beard for Roy Cohn. Cue the suspenseful music.

Taylor Dayne, who is promoting a new album (does that mean the crowds at every Pride festival on the face of the earth will hear something besides “Tell It to My Heart” come June?), can’t spell. Or count. And that’s O.K., because she can still sing and tease her hair like nobody’s business.

Openly gay theater critic Nicholas de Jongh has written a play, Plague Over England, about actor John Gielgud’s famous 1953 arrest for some Larry Craig-like behavior. It’s getting good reviews and de Jongh spoke about it, and his own personal life, to The Observer last month.

Photo explanation: It was surprisingly difficult to find a gay-oriented, state of the union-ish photo to accompany this post. It was either use a picture of Katharine Hepburn in State of the Union or Photoshop my face onto George Bush’s body, and the latter option made me feel dirty.

Lesbians Denied Both Puppies and Clea Duvall

What kind of sick bastard wouldn’t let them buy a puppy?

A kennel owner in Sweden refused to sell a woman a puppy after learning she was gay. To which I say: WTF? The situation has been rectified, since an appeals court in Stockholm has ruled that you can’t be denied canine companionship on the basis of your sexuality, but I find this story very confusing. When I hear about asshole-ish business owners turning away gay customers, I think of America. More specifically, I think of Texas, but that’s neither here nor there. (Please, Texans, don’t go all Walker, Texas Ranger on my ass. I’m a weakling. An admitted weakling. Attacking me would be like attacking Linda Hunt, and only a complete jack-off would attack Linda Hunt.)

What didn’t compute for me when I first read this story is that homophobia exists in Sweden. Which is stupid, I know, because homophobia exists everywhere. (Well, everywhere except in kittens and the hearts of children. Unless the kittens and children belong to Shirley Phelps-Furley. Yes, I said Furley. Because, let’s face it, Mr. Roper was a ‘phobe but Mr. Furley had an IQ of 80, tops, which means his intelligence was roughly equal to Shirley’s.) But c’mon: Sweden.

I’m a big Ingmar Bergman fan, so I was under the impression that Swedes spent all their time in mental anguish over the absence of God, mutilating their genitals with jagged pieces of glass and playing chess, or at least backgammon, with the Grim Reaper to pass the time. And remember all those reviews of Fucking Åmål (better known in English-speaking countries under its sanitized name, Show Me Love) that mentioned it beat Titanic at the Swedish box office when it was first released? I guess the homophobic kennel owner isn’t a Lukas Moodysson fan.

Other reading:

GayWired ran a puff piece on Itty Bitty Titty Committee (which, if you survey its credits on IMDB, kind of looks like the lesbian version of It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World) with this sentence that caught my eye:

Lesbian luminaries Guinevere Turner and Jenny Shimizu, along with long-time friends to the gay gals, Clea Duvall and Melanie Lynskey, join a smoking cast of relative newcomers to start the next big feminist movement.

Clea Duvall is a “long-time friend to the gay gals?” I think what Tracy E. Gilchrist and L. A. Vess meant was long-time friend with benefits, no? And, uh, what about Melanie Mayron while we’re at it? Why does she get to fly under the radar?

Finally, can’t get enough of the lurid Seth Tobias story? New York magazine’s Stephen Rodrick has written a very long article about it.

More Patricia Cornwell Nuttiness

“I didn’t just create Kay Scarpetta, I’m also half of Hall & Oates.”

Itching to read more about the upcoming book detailing Patricia Cornwell’s ill-fated affair with former FBI agent Margo Bennett? Times Online journalist Tony Allen-Mills is here to help. I’d post quotes for those of you who like one-stop shopping, but this story, once mildly interesting in a tawdry tabloid kind of way, seems rather moldy now, especially since Cornwell has become more forthcoming about her personal life.

Tom Cruise Loves Heterosexual Man-Woman Sex, Hates Gays

“Damn, check out the ass on that guy girl.”

I don’t plan on reading Andrew Morton’s new Tom Cruise biography that comes out on Tuesday—and even if I did, I wouldn’t admit it here (the Internet lasts forever, you know)—but early reports of its contents suggest a comic masterpiece on par with David Sedaris’s best work. Sayeth the website Digital Sky in its sneak preview:

Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography claims the actor has chased women throughout his life.

Melissa Gilbert, who dated Cruise when he was 19 before being dumped for Heather Locklear, told Morton: “I can honestly say he’s a very sexual person. There was a lot of making out on the couch in my mom’s living room.”

One former date claimed he was homophobic after seeing his reaction to musical La Cage Aux Folles, saying: “Men dressed as women, he couldn’t handle it. We had to leave before the intermission. It really bothered him. He was definitely homophobic.”

Bert Fields, Cruise’s mega-lawyer, has called the book “outrageous, sick stuff,” and so far I’m inclined to agree. There has to be more to Gilbert’s couch story than Morton lets on, like maybe the room had such hideous window treatments that Tom was desperate for a distraction. Nor am I sold on the La Cage Aux Folles story, mostly because I have a hard time believing that someone so aggressively anti-gay would agree to star in Top Gun. (Or, you know, line up to see La Cage Aux Folles in the first place.)

Okay, so we know that dimwitted homophobic actors are occasionally tricked into playing gay roles or starring in films with a heavy gay subtext; we’ve all heard the Charlton Heston stories. But Top Gun is so spectacularly gay that even someone who believes in Xenu would pick up on the sexual tension between Maverick and Iceman, the special nature of Maverick’s relationship with the pornstachioed Goose, and the significance of Maverick’s love interest being a Kelly McGillis character named Charlie. It could only have been gayer if Bob Mackie designed the flight suits.

You can read more about Tom’s robust, lifelong appetite for heterosexual intercourse with biological women at Slate. I warn you, however, that it will leave a bad taste in your mouth, which is why I’m concluding this post with a photo of Tom’s former employee Penelope Cruz grabbing Salma Hayek’s ass to help cleanse your palate.

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