Cranky Lesbian

Look what the homosexuals have done to me!

Gay American Gladiator Watch: “Ice” Comes Out

“Touch my Melissa CD and I’ll break your neck, twerp.”

When former American Gladiator “Zap” told Maxim magazine earlier this month that “half the team was lesbians at one time,” the world replied with a resounding “Duh.” Okay, the world didn’t seem to react at all, but had it done so, you can safely assume the response would have been split between “Duh” and a puzzled “Only half?”

Last week, one of those lesbians announced herself on Access Hollywood, and it was none other than Lori “Ice” Fetrick, who once appeared on an episode of Ellen. Fetrick told the program that she has been gay since she was 18 years old, by which she probably meant she realized she was gay at 18.

To be fair, you never know with a gladiator: she might’ve graduated high school and decided to become a lesbian the way some people decide to become a mechanic. Gladiators are, after all, a special breed, and can become anything they want simply by setting their minds to it. (I once read that Hawk actually turned himself into a hawk.)

About her sexuality, Fetrick said, “It was something that when I was on the Gladiators I never talked about because I was in the height of my fame. You can’t talk about it, just like everybody says right now — you can’t talk about being gay when you are in the height of your glory.”

By which she probably meant — well, I have no clue what she meant. I’ve read that quote several times and am still lost. Words like “gladiators” and “height of your glory” simply don’t compute, although she’s obviously right that it was uncommon for public figures of that era to come out.

Despite that, the notion that Ice’s sexuality was unknown to her adoring public isn’t entirely true. I was a kid at the height of her fame (my brother and I spent our summers watching Gladiator reruns), oblivious to the concept of homosexuality, oblivious even to my own glaring homosexuality, and yet somehow I knew Ice was a lesbian of Gertrude Steinian proportions. She was my favorite gladiator because of it, and the reason I chose this photo to accompany a previous post.

Fetrick acknowledges as much in her Access Hollywood interview, coyly suggesting that some of her fans knew she was gay. Remembering the fun she had with fellow Gladiators, she said, “Nitro and myself used to have contests on the road.” Which means you weren’t imagining things when you thought they were both flirting with Ellen Morgan.

To catch up with Ice, you can visit her official website.

This Week on DVD: January 22nd Edition

As a group, Torchwood‘s characters are almost as queer as the B-52’s.

The first season of Torchwood, the Dr. Who spin-off and brainchild of Queer as Folk creator Russell T. Davies, comes to DVD this week in a 7-set disc set. The series stars openly gay actor John Barrowman and is notable for its bisexual storylines.

More Tuesday releases of note:

The kind souls at the Criterion Collection have done their part to make this week’s new DVD releases more exciting than last week’s fare — in addition to Alf Sjöberg’s 1950 adaptation of Strindberg’s Miss Julie and Lindsay Anderson’s British New Wave classic This Sporting Life, they’re offering 4 by Agnes Varda, a collection that bundles their previous Varda releases (Vagabond and Cleo from 5 to 7) with La Pointe Courte and Le Bonheur.

Oscar: “I wish I knew how to quit you.”

Felix Unger and Oscar Madison continue to fight their mutual attraction in The Odd Couple: The Complete Third Season.

Felicity Jones and Henry Tilney star in the new Masterpiece Theatre adaptation of Jane Austen’s Northanger Abbey, from a script by Andrew Davies, the prolific screenwriter who adapted Tipping the Velvet for the BBC.

Dr. Kerry Weaver marks her first full season as a lesbian who knows she’s a lesbian in the eighth season of ER.

And finally, 20th Century Fox has assembled an attractively priced but redundant package of five of their Best Picture winners. The selections include How Green Was My Valley, Gentleman’s Agreement, The French Connection, All About Eve, and The Sound of Music. As a bonus, because I neglected you over the weekend, here’s a bizarre YouTube clip that turns The Sound of Music‘s infamous “cunt face”-sounding line into a Tourette’s-like outburst.

What Are Salma and Penelope Hiding?

Coming soon to Cinemax…

From today’s Rush & Molloy:

Both Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek lost precious personal photos during vacations abroad over the holidays. Hayek, who’s a new mom, got her laptop stolen, and Cruz’s camera was lost or stolen, according to letters sent out by Hollywood legal giant Marty Singer, warning media outlets not to run the images should they hit the market.

I think what Singer meant by that was “make sure to forward those photos to the Cranky Lesbian as quickly as humanly possible.” The ass-grab shot (which you can see by scrolling here) is getting old. It’s time for something new!

Healthy Relationships Are Overrated

“We could not talk or talk forever and still find things to not talk about.”

If you visited a gay website — well, a non-pornographic one — this week, you probably read about the recent University of San Diego study that suggests gay relationships are healthier than straight relationships. (In related news, John Travolta and Kelly Preston will celebrate their 17th wedding anniversary this year. Congratulations, you crazy kids!)

As Robert-Jay Green, the executive director of the Rockway Institute, summarized, “It all comes down to greater equality in the relationship. Research shows that lesbian and gay couples have a head start in escaping the traditional gender role divisions that make for power imbalances and dissatisfaction in many heterosexual relationships.”

The findings were similar to those published by John Gottman and Robert Levenson in 2003. At the time, Gottman concluded, “The overall implication of this research is that we have to shake off all of the stereotypes of homosexual relationships and have more respect for them as committed relationships. Gays and lesbians may be more competent at having a mature relationship.”

With the Gottman study — and a mostly heterosexual readership — in mind, Time magazine writer John Cloud wants to remind us that gay couples have problems, too. Problems like “crosscurrents of childhood pain, adult expectation and gay-community pathologies like meth addiction.”

This, I admit, confused me as much as the Claymate phenomenon and the plot of The Big Sleep. I mean, I’m as gay as a Liza Minnelli wedding and my last relationship (if you can call it that) ended not because of crosscurrents of childhood pain and gay-community pathologies like meth addiction, but because of my inability to communicate. And don’t straight people have childhood pain, adult expectations and addiction problems to contend with?

That sentence didn’t just confuse me, it kind of irritated me. Had I been able to scoop my jaw off the floor, the first words out of my mouth would have been, “Oh, please. Like heterosexuals aren’t addicted to meth!” Which, I admit, probably isn’t the greatest or most serious reply to such a loaded statement, but what else is there to say in response to something that sounds so maudlin and pandering? It gets even better, as Cloud reflects on the breakup of his long-term relationship and notes:

And yet if ours had been a straight marriage, I have little doubt we would still be together. We had financial security and supportive families. We almost certainly would have had children. This isn’t regret — fighting my homosexuality would be like shouting against the rain. But while the researchers are certainly right that straight couples have something to learn from gay couples, I think the inverse is true as well.

All of this sappiness and general ridiculousness piqued my interest in John Cloud, so I Googled his name. The first result was a Columbia Journalism Review article called “John Cloud Responds to His Critics.” It was about his 2005 Time cover story on Ann Coulter, which was criticized for more things than I have the time or space to list.

The second result was a TalkLeft post called “John Cloud: Today’s Most Dissed Person in the Blogosphere.” After reading those pages and others, including Cloud’s request for “a moment of pity for moralizers who fall” (the moralizers are Ted Haggard and Larry Craig) and his essay “Put Dumbledore Back in the Closet” (which contains the line, “Some of the best Star Trek fan fiction — and there is so much you couldn’t read it all in a lifetime — involves steamy Kirk-Spock love affairs”), I’m no longer so confused.

Adamo Ruggiero: Even IMDB Posters Knew

Adamo Ruggiero … Britney Spears fan?

Surely I’m not the only misanthropic homo who makes a beeline for the Internet Movie Database message boards the second an actor comes out of the closet. IMDb users aren’t just a notoriously homophobic and semi-illiterate bunch, they also have the world’s worst-calibrated gaydar this side of Senator Larry Craig’s wife. If you don’t believe me, try reading up on Michelle Rodriguez or Wentworth Miller. (And might I point out that before T.R. Knight came out of the closet, his delusional IMDb fans had him secretly involved with Katherine Heigl? Plus, Neil Patrick Harris can’t be gay. He likes Kate Winslet!)

To celebrate Adamo Ruggiero, who plays Marco on TV’s Degrassi, coming out of the closet, I was going to compile a list of IMDb quotes debating his sexuality. You can imagine my surprise when I found these comments, taken from years-old threads called “He’s Not Gay in Real Life” and “Why Everyone Thinks He’s Gay,” instead:

“I don’t know him personally, but he goes to my highschool and my friends who know him tell me he’s not really gay.”

reed his profile its sounds a little gay but i dont care if he is gay –i still think hes hott!!!”

“ok he so is not gay in real life, and his profile doesnt sound gay either! How can a pf sound gay??????? hello have some sence.!”

“hey is gay i saw him kiss another guy in my school”

“I doubt that he’s gay. After all, it is ACTING. I could act like a lesbian if I tried, and it wouldn’t mean anything. But that whole shaggy hair look is SOOOO sexy. (From season 2) I’d wanna make him turn straight if he was really gay!!!”

“Adamo’s not really gay?! OH THANK GOD! Even though I still doubt that I have a chance because he’s too much older than me for us to date, I’m soo happy. I had a few doubts because on DeGrassi unscripted he kindof came off as gay with the shoes and the hats. And he does too good a job of acting gay. But again THANK GOD HE’S NOT GAY!”

“he is gay…my friend lives two houses away from him and we hear him listening to Britny Spears and like other girl songs…plus his boyfrind is there almost everyday…he might be bi…but he definately likes men and acts gay when we see him…but im not saying thats a bad thing or anything”

“I listen to Britney Spears and I’m not a lesbian.”

“ok wow…that was the least smart comment ive seen here on these posts. First of all just cause someone listens to Britney and is male doesnt mean hes gay…it means he has poor choice in music..lol..second of all my brother..is gay and listens to Britney. Yes there are many gay males who adore her…But not all do. THIRD OF ALL…for you…girly who made a comment about you listening to Britney Spears and not being a lesbian..I think they made the previous comment based on the fact that he is MALE listening to Britney..Lots of girly girls listen or have listened to Britney..Me? Personally? Hell no..Now…if you are a female and listening to…K.D. Lang or Melissa Etheridge that would make more sense of why someone would think you were a lesbian. NOT that straight people cant listen to them or that ALL lesbians DO listen to them. I AM a lesbian actually and I listen to SOME of Melissas songs but none of K.D. Lang. So..think before you type lol.”

“screw britney and destiny’s child, the real proof lies in his listening to the goddess of queer music: JUDY GARLAND!!”

“i saw him at a gay club called ‘buddies’ last night. he was dancing right beside me and i knew it was him. and then i saw him having a smoke outside with a friend. my guess is that he is gay.”

“If anyone has seen his Degrassi Unscripted you can see that there is something defintely not straight about him. His flamboyant hand movements the fact that he kept saying “And All that Jazz” and his room was done in some kind of pink tone.. And when it showed his cd collection he had the spice girls… Come on… I pretty sure Degrassi Unscripted is supposed to show what actors are like beyond their characters so unless Canadian men like to dance around saying And All that Jazz and listen to the Spice Girls…”

“He’s probably bi because he’s been playing a gay character for 3 years.”

“ok. have you seen his unscripted? his room looks like a twelve year old girls room. he talks gay. i seriously did not think he was gay in real life but geez, he is gayy”

“Adamo’s straight just like Lance Bass is.”

“He is completely gay. I mean come on. Look at his 100% feminine-lookin ass.”

“You are a moron. He is NOT gay!”

“He is gay. My friend’s friend actually dated him for about 5 months last year, and he is a guy.”

It’s official, if a little hard on the eyes (and brain) to scroll through: 15-year-olds have better gaydar than Jodie Foster fans. It indicates social progress, sure, but it was also bittersweet to find so few replies pompously pointing out that not everyone is gay. Maybe that’s the kind of bitchiness that is only learned with age.

Samantha Fox’s Lesbian Wife Swap

“Why do drag queens always fight at my shows?!”

Samantha Fox, the faded “Touch Me” pop star and former Page Three model, will appear on the British edition of Wife Swap later this month with her partner, Myra Stratton. In the episode, Fox takes the place of comedian Freddie Starr’s wife and cares for his infant daughter. If this inspires American TV producers to have Taylor Dayne move in with Gallagher, we will know the apocalypse is nigh. For a photo of Fox with Starr, click here.

Ellen Page on The Breakfast Club and Blow Jobs

Ellen Page in Hard Candy: “I fucking hate Goldfrapp…but love Team Dresch.”

Clearly this item belongs in the department of delayed reactions bin—this New York article first appeared in late November, before I started spewing nonsense here—but out of the kindness of my heart I’m posting it anyway, for the throngs of young lesbians who have been running straight home from screenings of Juno en masse to Google “Ellen Page + baby dyke.” (I know you’re out there because I’m related to one of you.)

From Page’s interview with Logan Hill:

“What they do to Ally Sheedy at the end of The Breakfast Club,” she groans, recalling how Sheedy’s androgynous loner gets a pink Barbie makeover so she can kiss the jock. “How could that have been allowed to happen? No, really. I mean it. I know it’s iconic…but you’ve got to be kidding me!”

“Think about the poor kids who’ve watched this stuff,” she continues, leaning into her argument. Films like that make tomboys like her “start judging ourselves, just because, you know, you’d rather climb trees than give blow jobs.”

And Hill notes of Juno:

The movie could very well make her a star, not just the next Molly Ringwald but the next Johnny Depp: a transgressive teen idol whose weirdo-hero crossover appeal might evolve into real staying power. But perhaps it really is best that she avoid L.A. Because right now she’s watching herself play one kind of girl yet still being pushed toward another. “It’s just freaky. Like, are we really still stuck there?” she asks, noting that a few photo shoots have already set off waring bells. “Every shoot, I don’t want to be thrown some lacy pink shirt—sometimes I would prefer to not wear a shirt at all. At least I’d be owning that moment.

I mean, Annie Lennox used to be able to dress like a man and sell albums,” says Page, in her flannel shirt and Converse sneakers. “I don’t think a big star could do that right now.”

So, let’s tally things up. Ellen Page calls out John Hughes on his hackiness, points to Annie Lennox as a style icon, and comes out in favor of climbing trees over giving blow jobs. By my calculations that means she kicks ass, and that must be celebrated now, before Hollywood chews her up and spits her out, right onto the sets of movies like Anna and the King and Flightplan. And don’t play dumb about that last part; you wouldn’t be here right now if you didn’t think there were a few similarities between Page and Jodie Foster.

Speaking of which, if you’re disappointed by a lack of explicit lesbian content in this post, thinking perhaps I’d have footage of Page re-creating scenes from Bound with one of her Canadian compatriots to offer you, I have two things to say. First: You’re an idiot. Second: Keep an eye out for an upcoming movie called Jack and Diane, which stars Page and will feature some lesbianism with a lycanthropic twist. It is undoubtedly the film Lon Chaney Jr. always wanted to make.

This Week on DVD: January 15th Edition

This week’s new DVD releases don’t quite rival last week’s offerings in the lesbian interest department, but then January is usually a weak month for DVDs in general. My top pick, less for its not so considerable gay content than for its historical importance, is She’s Gotta Have It, Spike Lee’s first feature-length film.

Controversial upon its 1986 release for its matter-of-fact treatment of female protagonist Nola’s healthy sex life—she spends the movie juggling three (male) lovers—She’s Gotta Have It launched Lee’s career into the stratosphere and made his fictional alter-ego, Mars Blackmon, a pop culture icon. Through the supporting character of Opal Gilstrap (yes, strap), a somewhat predatory friend of Nola’s played by Raye Dowell, it also provided an early insight into Lee’s views on lesbianism, views that were made abundantly clear 18 years later in She Hate Me.

More Tuesday releases of note:

“I wonder if Randy remembered to turn off the stove.”

Fox triple-dips with the Cary Grant/Deborah Kerr weeper An Affair to Remember, this time commemorated in a 50th Anniversary Edition, while MGM goes for the double-dip with Norman Jewison’s Sidney Poitier/Rod Steiger classic In the Heat of the Night, which gets the 40th Anniversary Collector’s Edition treatment.

Fingersmith star Sally Hawkins stars in a Masterpiece Theatre production of Jane Austen’s Persuasion.

Wanda Sykes makes the occasional guest appearance on the first season of the Julia Louis-Dreyfus sitcom The New Adventures of Old Christine.

Alex Haley’s “Queen, the 1993 miniseries that starred Halle Berry and has an excellent supporting cast too large to mention here, joins Roots on DVD.

Australian Open Programming Reminder

“I used to play doubles with Dana Fairbanks, if you catch my drift.”

North American viewers, take note: ESPN2’s coverage of the Australian Open begins tonight at 7 EST. The Australian Open, like all Grand Slam tennis tournaments, has special significance to the gay community. Every year, for two weeks at a time, it allows us to gawk at a seemingly endless parade of lesbians dressed in small amounts of clothing, locked in sweaty battle with their rivals. On the men’s side, there are the cheeky antics of Novak Djokovic to look forward to—and it’s just a matter of time before some crazy straight women start writing X-rated Federer/Nadal slash fiction.

As for me, my favorite part of the Australian Open is the commentary provided by Mary Carillo, who is more likely to quote Simpsons episodes as she deconstructs a player’s game than gab about her jewelry or what she had for lunch. (Yes, Tracy Austin, I’m looking at you. I don’t watch tennis to hear about your salad or what you’re wearing.) My love for Carillo, which blossomed when I read that she once explained a loss by saying, “I blame society,” and grew when I saw her spots with Johnny Weir during NBC’s Olympic Ice, is sometimes the only thing that keeps my TV off mute during ESPN2’s tennis coverage. One can only listen to so much Patrick McEnroe, Pam Shriver, Chris Fowler, and Mary Joe Fernandez before lapsing into a coma, and I’m expected at work this week.

UPDATE: The Internet is a truly magical place. Not long after I posted this, I was sent a link to Tennis Slash. While I’d never given much thought to a Safin/Federer pairing, I have to say, until Rafa cuts his hair and burns every last pair of those awful capri pants, it’s the hotter alternative.

Shelby Lynne Does Dusty, Possibly Other Women

“I hope I remembered to set my TiVo for The L Word.”

What did we learn from Rob Hoerburger’s fascinating profile of Shelby Lynne in this weekend’s New York Times Magazine? Well, for starters, she digs booze, college football, and Gladys Knight. And she doesn’t like modern country music, explaining, “The new stuff all sounds the same. I’m not ragging on anybody, but it doesn’t require emotional involvement. What Carrie Underwood is singing about has already been heard. It’s in a beautiful package. But my duty is to take the hard route.”

We learn that Barry Manilow, who is a fan of her music, is the one who suggested she record an album of Dusty Springfield covers. (She did, and Just a Little Lovin’ comes out later this month.) And we learn that Shelby, who has been known to get a little cranky herself when asked about her sexuality, still isn’t ready to come out of the closet—though she’s not exactly shutting herself in, either. Of Lynne’s similarities to Springfield, Hoerburger writes:

There are some solid parallels, though, musical and non-, between the two women. “Dusty in Memphis,” for all its acclaim, wasn’t much of a hit when it was released, just as “I Am Shelby Lynne” wasn’t. Springfield, like Lynne, could be temperamental; she was a perfectionist who frequently delivered the goods in the 59th minute of the 11th hour, and watch out if you got in her way before then.

And then there were the gay rumors that dogged Springfield most of her career, which in her case turned out to be true, though she never used the word “lesbian” officially. That same speculation has followed around Lynne, who was married briefly when she was 18, and neither will she confirm nor deny, saying only that she goes where the love is. “I’ve done everything on every corner of the universe,” Lynne said, “but I’m not going to make an announcement about it.”

I’m not sure an announcement is necessary, given how dykey (if ever-gender neutral) the song “Lonesome” is, but there you have it. Here’s a clip of Shelby singing “I Only Want to Be With You.”

UPDATE: If you found this page while looking for Shelby Lynne’s interview with the gay magazine The Advocate, you can find it here.

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