… And the asshole of the day award goes to Dwight Scharnhorst, the creepy Republican State Representative from Missouri’s 93rd district. Scharnie is up for re-election this year, running against Democrat Phil Bognar, and like his fellow Missourian and brother-in-hate Kit Bond, he’s trying to rile up bigoted voters by reminding them of the gay menace. You know, the same menace that already scared them into banning gay marriage in Missouri back in 2004…

This delightful gay-baiting mailer was sent to my parents on Mr. Scharnhorst’s behalf by “HRCC – Marc Ellinger, Treasurer” (I assume this is the Marc Ellinger in question), apparently to warn them that their almost 30-year marriage is being threatened by hot gay guys in chains. Oh, the humanity!

Mr. Scharnhorst, Mr. Ellinger, I have two questions:

1) If heterosexual marriage is somehow under attack in Missouri (again, despite the state’s gay marriage ban), as your mailer indicates, could you give me an idea of how quickly these traditional man-woman unions might be destroyed by these guys in their white tank tops, with their come-hither stares and their sexy chains, should Mr. Bognar win on Tuesday? Because my parents have an anniversary coming up and I haven’t bought their gift yet. The last eight years of failed Republican economic policies (™ Barack Obama) has taken its toll on my checkbook, and I don’t want to spend money on anything that might be rendered useless by Mr. Bognar’s support of — cue the sinister music — same-sex unions.

2) Where did you find the “guy in chains” photo? Was it already on one of your hard drives, or were you forced to arrange for your own special photo shoot?

Finally, Dwight Scharnhorst, thanks for reminding my parents who to vote for on Tuesday. One of them has a gay sister, the other has more gay cousins than any of us can keep track of, and together they have two gay children. When they drive through their subdivision they pass an awful lot of Scharnhorst signs, but I know that after seeing your mailer today they won’t forget to vote for Phil Bognar.