Throughout history, British women have been total players.

Every goddamn week, it seems, British lesbians want to sleep with a new celebrity. I know this because I receive e-mail alerts about it. Why it’s considered newsworthy that anyone wants to have sex with Maria Sharapova, I really couldn’t tell you, but then there are a lot of things about Britain I don’t understand.

Jodie Marsh and Kerry Katona immediately come to mind — can anyone explain those two to me? And then there’s that troubling national obsession with truly awful cover songs, often of tunes that were terrible the first time around, performed by hacky boy bands and girl bands that seem like they were assembled by comedy writers who have nothing but contempt for the public.

I’ve been careless in keeping track of all the famous women these very social British lesbians have set their sights this year, so I’m sure I’m missing the results of a poll or twelve. Still, this should give you an idea of what I’m talking about:

  • In February, Keira Knightley was crowned the dream date of British lesbians. She’s gorgeous, I agree, but I’d worry about being impaled by a protruding rib or clavicle.
  • Three months later, British lesbians identified Maria Sharapova, who glams it up on the red carpet and in TV commercials, but is, I think, at her most attractive when she’s battling frustration on the tennis court, as their favorite serve-smashing pin-up. When Sharapova’s face turns red and she glares at her racket like she wants to throw it, and when the volume goes up on her shrieking and yelling (to the anguish of her opponent, the crowd, the commentators, and almost everyone watching at home) — call me fucked up if you want, but I like that.
  • In July, before those bikini photos hit the Internet (and before she made those date rape comments that D.C.I. Jane Tennison wouldn’t approve of), Helen Mirren topped a poll of the women over 50 that single British lesbians would most like to date. She beat out Susan Sarandon, Meryl Streep, Goldie Hawn, Dolly Parton (careful, ladies, you’ll have to get through Judy Ogle first), and Joan Collins. Yes, Joan Collins. You’re not alone in saying “WTF?” to that one.
  • By September, British lesbians had shifted their attention to Rachel Weisz, naming her the Hollywood star they’d most like to sleep with. Of every winner of every poll so far, I think Weisz also earns the distinction of being the best marriage material — though my grandparents would be baffled by her apparent inability to determine whether her own mother is Jewish. (From her well-sourced Wikipedia profile: “Weisz’s father is Ashkenazi Jewish and her mother has been referred to as either Catholic, Jewish, having Jewish ancestry, and being of part Italian descent.” For God’s sake, reporters, this isn’t rocket science. Just ask if her maternal grandmother is Jewish and, bam, another mystery solved.)

Now it’s Drew Barrymore who has everyone in a tizzy, and I have a few questions for all you fickle British lesbians out there. First up: Why are you such skanks?! Can’t you remain faithful to a woman for longer than a month or two? And my second, more important question: What are you doing for dinner tonight?