Disappointingly, given its title and “inspired by actual events” origins, Vows of Deception isn’t a Lifetime dramatization of Renée Zellweger and Kenny Chesney’s marriage. But Vows, which aired on CBS in 1996, makes up for that shortcoming by giving Cheryl Ladd an enjoyably trashy role to sink her teeth into as Lucinda ‘Lucy Ann’ Michaels, a prodigiously pregnant recent parolee who moves cross-country to live with Terry (Nancy Cartwright), her more responsible sister.
“My past doesn’t determine my future,” she unconvincingly tells Matt Harding (Nick Mancuso), the detective who meets her at a bus stop with papers to sign. Apparently lacking any crimes to investigate, he offers her a ride and later enlists her help in pranking his best friend Clay (Mike Farrell), a prosperous lawyer, in a blind date setup. Instantly smitten, Clay surprises them both by continuing the date despite her baby bump. Earnest to a fault, he couldn’t be an easier mark for a dazzling criminal with a questionable tale of woe (she claims an abusive ex falsely accused her of child abuse).
Lucinda’s record is more complicated than that, but by the time anyone does their due diligence it’s too late for Clay, who marries her shortly after the birth of her daughter. When Terry asks if she’s in love with him, Lucinda replies “Clay knows how to treat me.” As an afterthought she unconvincingly adds “Of course I love him.” Construction is soon underway on their mansion, where she hosts a children’s cancer fundraising gala. Modeling a luxurious fur coat for the charity auction, she opens it to flash a gold bikini that leaves Clay beaming like a priapic idiot as society women roll their eyes at her tacky exhibitionism.
“I guess the joke’s on me, huh?” Matt unhappily asks at the wedding reception. “Clay’s my best friend. You hurt him and I’ll make sure that you go back to where you came from, OK?” She meets his threat with one of her own: “Let me tell you something. I’m never going back. I promise you.” But she chafes when Clay tries to rein in her spending—she buys a Corvette on a whim and goes $45k over-budget on renovations to her new business, a fashion boutique he financed—and grows agitated when she can’t distract him with the newest lingerie she purchased in New York. Next she demands he update his will and name her executor of his estate.
Farrell is all smiles as a doomed dunce whose normally superior judgment has been hopelessly clouded by his sex drive, but it’s Ladd who scores in Vows of Deception. From the flaky erotic thriller Dancing with Danger to Holiday Baggage, a misguided Christmas effort that shouldn’t have seen the light of day, the former Angel is often saddled with one-dimensional roles. Lucinda’s not too radically different, but what she lacks in depth she makes up for in unapologetic deviousness, with Ladd wickedly wielding her Wonderbra like a lethal weapon.
Whether she’s all legs in a police interrogation room, a la Sharon Stone, or watching lasciviously as the hunky stepson (Michael Woolson) she’s determined to seduce cleans the family’s pool, Ladd holds your interest and makes you laugh. She doesn’t take her silly role quite as seriously as Susan Lucci did in two similarly themed telefilms of the era, Seduced and Betrayed and Blood on Her Hands—she knows Vows is fun, disposable fare. Cartwright, too, is amusing, though maybe not as intentionally, as the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman-loving sister who indulges in some unnecessary pop psychology when explaining why Lucinda is so damaged.
Most useless of all is Mancuso’s tough-talking, toupee-wearing detective, who shambles around like Columbo with none of the lieutenant’s smarts. Despite the intentions of screenwriter Frank Abatemarco and director Bill Norton, his parting words to Lucinda had me in stitches. The screenplay, like its villainess, must have lacked a plan B.
Streaming and DVD availability
Vows of Deception is currently out-of-print on DVD. You can stream it for free (with ads) at Amazon and on Tubi and YouTube. Please report dead links in the comment below so I can find replacements.
Disclosure: As an Amazon Associate I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases.
Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.
1 Pingback