Where’s the softball player?

In response to this bit of teeth-gnashing earlier in the week, I was pointed in the direction of Channel 4’s amusing Gay-O-Meter, which — drum roll, please — tells me I’m 33% gay and even refers to me as “straight acting.”

That, my friends (sorry, I’m still having John McCain flashbacks), is poppycock. It is categorically false. It is untrue and inaccurate. I’m running out of words here, but rest assured that I’m half-tempted to have Bert Fields send the Gay-O-Meter a letter that’s heavy on mentions of defamation and retractions and public apologies. If necessary, I could produce a sworn written statement from my aunt, who claims she knew I was gay by the time I was a toddler. (And she knows from these things, having once been a gay toddler herself.)

While I liked the Gay-O-Meter quiz, I couldn’t help but feel I’d been penalized for not having tattoos, not being handy with a wrench, never having worn leather pants, and being non-violent. So I retook the test, changing my answers to those questions, and suddenly I was 17% gayer. But does that really make sense? Since when are lesbians members of the Village People?