Look what the homosexuals have done to me!

Tag: Stupidity Page 1 of 3

The Classiest Gay Nuptials of All Time

Right here. When my girlfriend (who recently told me to get off my lazy ass and update this motherfucking blog already, but in a less Samuel L. Jackson-ish tone than that) and I get married, that’s the first thing we’re going to do: hit a guy with a shoe, both of us, so we can honeymoon in a luxurious prison cell that boasts amenities like a creaky cot and a toilet that hasn’t worked since 1973. Truth be told, I’d rather spend a week in France or go to a quiet bed and breakfast for a few days, but she’s a Roger Corman fan and you know how he romanticized women’s prisons…

Another Reminder: Fire Bad

I know you’ve all been busy with the not being gay in Senegal thing, so I hate to add more to your plate, but this is very important: Make sure you don’t set your ex on fire. And make sure you’re not set on fire by your ex. It might not seem like it in the heat of the moment, but there are better, less criminal ways of expressing yourself. (Personally, I’m more the silent treatment type, but others have found great success in collaborating with Timbaland on kiss-off singles or in writing one of the worst films Mike Nichols ever directed.)

Lesbians should pay particular attention to the no-fire edict; between the Celestia debacle and 40 years’ worth of negative portrayals in film and television, enough people already think we’re bonkers without yahoos like this tabloid-courting heiress broad — whose name I won’t mention because I like security guards not knowing who she is — fanning the flames. So to speak.

Congratulations, Tony Sottile, on Being a Major Asshole

From a story MSNBC picked up about another marriage equality march that was held this weekend in California, in which the obligatory quote from a gay rights activist who wants the Defense of Marriage Act repealed is followed by the obligatory quote from a total moron:

“The homosexuals and lesbians want equal rights. They don’t deserve equality,” passerby Tony Sottile said.

Good job, Tony. I’m sure you’ll be very proud when, many years from now, your grandchildren or great-grandchildren Google you and see this.

Can Anyone Really Be This Stupid?

I know I’m a bit late on this — I was away from my computer most of the day yesterday — but having finally read what Scott Eckern, who resigned as artistic director of the California Musical Theater on Wednesday amid protests over his $1,000 donation to the anti-gay Yes on Proposition 8 campaign, had to say for himself, I gotta admit: I’m a bit baffled.

In what universe does a statement like “I understand that my choice of supporting Proposition 8 has been the cause of many hurt feelings, maybe even betrayal. It was not my intent. I honestly had no idea that this would be the reaction” make sense? He’s been working with the gays for more than 25 years; he knows we’re a bit on the sensitive side even when we’re not being stripped of newly granted marriage rights by our “loving and supportive” friends and relatives and coworkers.

Defiant Palin Vows, “I Will Never Stop Being Stupid”

If you want to get all technical, Sarah Palin didn’t really vow to never stop being stupid. But she came pretty close when she lashed out at bloggers in an interview with Fox News’ Greta Van Susteren, calling them “kids in pajamas sitting in the basement of their parents’ homes” — ostensibly because they’ve been critical of her. (FOR BEING AN IDIOT!, I might add.)

I guess she’s forgetting the part where she probably owes her selection as John McCain’s running mate to the efforts of a college student and blogger named Adam Brickley. As Jane Mayer wrote last month in The New Yorker:

In February, 2007, Adam Brickley gave himself a mission: he began searching for a running mate for McCain who could halt the momentum of the Democrats. Brickley, a self-described “obsessive” political junkie who recently graduated from the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs, told me that he began by “randomly searching Wikipedia and election sites for Republican women.” Though he generally opposes affirmative action, gender drove his choice. “People were talking about Hillary at the time,” he recalled. Brickley said that he “puzzled over every Republican female politician I knew.” Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison, of Texas, “waffled on social issues”; Senator Olympia Snowe, of Maine, was too moderate. He was running out of options, he recalled, when he said to himself, “What about that lady who just got elected in Alaska?” Online research revealed that she had a strong grassroots following; as Brickley put it, “I hate to use the words ‘cult of personality,’ but she reminded me of Obama.”

Brickley registered a Web site — palinforvp.blogspot.com which began getting attention in the conservative blogosphere. In the month before Palin was picked by McCain, Brickley said, his Web site was receiving about three thousand hits a day. Support for Palin had spread from one right-of-center Internet site to the next. First, the popular conservative blogger InstaPundit mentioned Brickley’s campaign. Then a site called the American Scene said that Palin was “very appealing”; another, Stop the A.C.L.U., described her as “a great choice.” The traditional conservative media soon got in on the act: The American Spectator embraced Palin, and Rush Limbaugh, the radio host, praised her as “a babe.”

Palin’s rise from obscurity, her $150,000 wardrobe, her trip to Saturday Night Live, can all be traced back to a kid blogger. Shouldn’t she be thanking the blogosphere instead of telling it to fuck itself?

And by the way, Sarah, when I write hurtful things about you from my parents’ basement, I’m usually dressed in waders, the better to navigate the flood of bullshit that’s unleashed every time you talk to the press.

A Weekend Geography Lesson

Because it’s never too late to learn (and gloat):

Spain is in Latin America.

Venezuela is in the Middle East.

Czechoslovakia still exists.

Russia is in Alaska.

New Hampshire is in the “Great Northwest”.

Canada is in Alaska, too.

As for Africa … well, Sarah Palin will “have to get back to you” on all of that.

But most importantly, John McCain is not in the White House. And Sarah Palin is back in Alaska, where she can only harm 683,478 people instead of 305,603,000. Ah, Alaska. As its ever-chipper governor might say, in between “you betchas” and winks, Alaska’s reward is in heaven.

In Which I Vote and Listen to Giggly Teens Talk Politics

Alas, Mink Stole was not a volunteer at my polling place.*

Four years ago, when I voted in my first presidential election, the line outside my polling place — a small, shabby church with a kitchen whose ancient refrigerator was covered with alphabet magnets and children’s fingerpaintings — was long and grim. And that was at six in the morning, when the polls first opened.

Everywhere I looked there were tense, glum men in business attire, yawning and impatiently checking their watches and cell phones. It was cold and dark outside, and every now and then the wind would pick up and sting my face. The wait ended up being a little more than 90 minutes long, and by the time I stepped into the church my hair was tangled and my fingertips were numb. As it turned out, the day didn’t get any better from there.

Mid-morning yesterday I went back to the same polling place, thinking of the bleary-eyed zombies who’d surrounded me in 2004, when my candidate lost. Again the line was very long, but the volunteers were better organized this time and everything moved faster. It was nice outside, warm and breezy, and the leaves rustling overhead seemed more colorful than I remember anything looking the day George W. Bush was re-elected. The atmosphere was oddly idyllic.

Grey’s Anatomy: The Wrath of Hahn

It’s a good thing Erica Hahn is a doctor,
’cause she’s about to get thrown under the bus.

When I last wrote about Grey’s Anatomy and its horribly botched attempt at a lesbian storyline, I ended my lengthy, lengthy (sorry about that) post with this:

There are people who will always be happy with crap, and there are networks that will always be happy to supply it. Will Grey’s Anatomy continue that trend? We’ll know soon enough.

That was a little more than a week ago. Since then, another episode aired. I had planned on publishing something about it later tonight or tomorrow. The thrust of the post, as presented in its opening line, was going to be “This storyline just isn’t going well at all.” I was going to briefly recap what happened in the episode (you can view the Callie and Erica-oriented scenes online) before moving onto this analysis:

You Stay Classy, Dwight Scharnhorst



… And the asshole of the day award goes to Dwight Scharnhorst, the creepy Republican State Representative from Missouri’s 93rd district. Scharnie is up for re-election this year, running against Democrat Phil Bognar, and like his fellow Missourian and brother-in-hate Kit Bond, he’s trying to rile up bigoted voters by reminding them of the gay menace. You know, the same menace that already scared them into banning gay marriage in Missouri back in 2004…

This delightful gay-baiting mailer was sent to my parents on Mr. Scharnhorst’s behalf by “HRCC – Marc Ellinger, Treasurer” (I assume this is the Marc Ellinger in question), apparently to warn them that their almost 30-year marriage is being threatened by hot gay guys in chains. Oh, the humanity!

Mr. Scharnhorst, Mr. Ellinger, I have two questions:

1) If heterosexual marriage is somehow under attack in Missouri (again, despite the state’s gay marriage ban), as your mailer indicates, could you give me an idea of how quickly these traditional man-woman unions might be destroyed by these guys in their white tank tops, with their come-hither stares and their sexy chains, should Mr. Bognar win on Tuesday? Because my parents have an anniversary coming up and I haven’t bought their gift yet. The last eight years of failed Republican economic policies (™ Barack Obama) has taken its toll on my checkbook, and I don’t want to spend money on anything that might be rendered useless by Mr. Bognar’s support of — cue the sinister music — same-sex unions.

2) Where did you find the “guy in chains” photo? Was it already on one of your hard drives, or were you forced to arrange for your own special photo shoot?

Finally, Dwight Scharnhorst, thanks for reminding my parents who to vote for on Tuesday. One of them has a gay sister, the other has more gay cousins than any of us can keep track of, and together they have two gay children. When they drive through their subdivision they pass an awful lot of Scharnhorst signs, but I know that after seeing your mailer today they won’t forget to vote for Phil Bognar.

Don’t Ever Call This Woman a Lesbian

If you’re going to assault someone in a bar,
do it through terrible dialogue and not physical violence.

Take a look at this lede and tell me if you can guess the rest of the story:

A WOMAN who smashed a glass into a fellow customer’s face at a pub after he allegedly called her a lesbian will learn her fate later this month.

No, no, Michelle Rodriguez didn’t meet up with Perez Hilton somewhere in the UK and exact revenge for all the times he has scrawled “I Heart Pussy” over her picture. And the woman in question wasn’t Valerie Singelton, finally blowing her stack when someone mentioned Joan Armatrading for the twelve hundredth time. This nasty bit of violence was perpetrated by Laura Elizabeth Betton against Mark Joce, a man she’d known for several years and been friendly with until he accused her of meddling in his relationship with his fiancée.

Here is what really happened at the pub that night:

Mr Joce, aged 30, of Llanelli’s Biddulph estate, said he believed Betton had spread rumours that he had been seeing other women behind his fiancee’s back when he had not been.

Trouble flared when he was sitting in The Golfers on April 30 and Betton was nearby with a woman friend.

Questioned by prosecutor Mark Spackman, Mr Joce said that when the two women asked to speak to him, he told them he did not want to speak to them.

He admitted calling Betton a “home-wrecker” but denied describing her as a lesbian.

The glass attack by Betton left him needing eight stitches in a gash to his left temple, he said. It had also left him with a constant twitch.

My question: Are we sure Betton and Joce aren’t both lesbians? ‘Cause that episode has dyke drama written all over it.

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