Cranky Lesbian

Look what the homosexuals have done to me!

Tag: Short Cuts

Short Cuts: Joan Jett Thinks Your Gaydar Sucks

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On April 8, 2008

In Uncategorized

“I got girls, girls all over the — wait, that’s private.”

What the hell kind of malfunctioning gaydar does Joan Jett think we have? The legendarily badass rocker, who is part of the True Colors tour this summer and is slated to release a new greatest hits package later this year, recently told Spinner that she hasn’t divulged her sexuality to the public because she’s not in the business of ruining fantasies. As she explained to writer Jessica Robertson (you can read the full interview, including the usual “It’s about setting boundaries” spiel, here):

It really boils down to this: I want to please everybody. I want every guy and every girl thinking that I’m singing these songs to them, because I am. If I make a hard, fast case on where I stand then that takes away a lot of the fantasy. Music entails a lot of fantasy. I want people to be able to go there with me. Some people might think it’s a cop-out. I don’t care. That’s how I feel.

Whether or not you approve of her stance, it’s an incredibly honest answer that neatly encapsulates the ultimate dilemma of the “closeted” celebrity, which is this: actors and musicians are packaged and sold as products, and if they want to be successful, they’re going to make every effort to appeal to the largest possible base of consumers. And her explanation serves a dual purpose, because the way Jett approached the subject, she turned it into one of those non-answer answers that’s really only a non-answer if you’re obtuse.

In other news…

Cynthia Nixon was honored by the Point Foundation last night for not trying to appease lust-crazed Sex and the City fans by keeping mum on her personal life. Accepting the Point Courage Award for being a LGBT role model, Nixon said, “When you’re a young gay person, you yearn for nothing so much as the presence of other gay people, most especially, an older generation of gay people who can encourage and inspire you.” Continues PEOPLE.com:

That being said, Nixon – who had two children with her longtime boyfriend Danny Mozes before their 2003 split – acknowledged that she was not an out teenager. “That is part of what I look back on now as … my straight period,” she said.

I get where she’s coming from, though my own straight period was considerably shorter, lasting only a few months when I was in preschool back in ’87.

And a postscript for those of you wondering why I’m commenting on the Jett interview five days after the fact…

I’d like to offer this in my defense: In addition to being swamped at work, I’ve been methodically working my way through the latest Warner Bros. Bette Davis collection in my spare time. Did you know that All This, and Heaven Too is about eight trillion hours long? Not that Charles Boyer isn’t worth it, but I haven’t been this emotionally depleted since the Hellmouth collapsed in the final episode of Buffy.

Short Cuts: Pedro Blogs, Joss Stone Snogs Edition

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On March 27, 2008

In Uncategorized

“Even my Oscars are post-operative transsexuals.”

Pedro Almodóvar, one of the world’s greatest (and, it should go without saying, gayest) living filmmakers, will blog about the making of his next movie, Broken Hugs, when it begins filming in May. Almodóvar’s Spanish website will publish English and French translations of the blog entries, much to the consternation of Babel Fish, which was hoping to cause more gender confusion than anything we’ve ever seen in one of Pedro’s movies by translating the director’s anecdotes for non-Spanish speaking cinéastes around the world.

“Never mind designer frocks, I find my clothes in the windows of abandoned VW Transporters.”

British soul songstress Joss Stone, once known as a ferociously talented teen phenom, now known as a wearer of dresses that look like bad LSD trips, will join Depends spokeswoman and Black Eyed Peas member Fergie in the ranks of singers-turned-movie-lesbians when she makes her big-screen debut in something called Snappers. Stone says she will share a “long, lingering French kiss” with a female costar.

Her fellow Janis Joplin disciple Melissa Etheridge could not be reached for comment (probably because no one tried to contact her), but we imagine she’d say something like, “Who cares?” And she’d be right, because the only upcoming long, lingering lesbian movie kiss that matters is the one between Penélope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson in Vicky Cristina Barcelona.

In other news…

Women’s football aficionado and recent L Word guest star Kelly McGillis has found religion. The kind that still lets her use electricity, in case you were wondering. What I’m wondering is what that means for her personal life, but that’s something she doesn’t talk about now that she’s divorced, so the world may never know.

In other other news…

Thandie Newton, star of the new David Schwimmer movie Run, Fatboy, Run, is gorgeous. Okay, so anyone with the gift of sight already knew that. But did you also know that she’s friends with Saffron Burrows, or that the last book she read was Justine Picardie’s Daphne? Well, now you do. Don’t you feel very strongly that this information, or at least the picture I’m about to post, profoundly enriches your life in ways you can’t describe?

I mean, jeez. That photograph makes me want to dance around the room like Gene Kelly. And I have stacks of books all over the place and I’m a world-renowned klutz, so that could be dangerous, not just for me but for my pets, my antique lamp, and most of all, my pride.

Short Cuts: Herbie the Lesbian Love Bug Edition

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On March 20, 2008

In Uncategorized

“Yeah, my Subaru’s in the shop, so I’ll be driving this for a while.”

When she isn’t dallying heterosexually with fourth-rate rockers in Europe, part-time actress and full-time tabloid fodder Lindsay Lohan is caught in a lesbian love triangle with DJ Samantha Ronson and professional rich kid Courtenay Semel.

I’m on Team Ronson (hey, her brother’s talented), and so far it appears she is winning, because Star magazine reports that Lohan and Semel are no longer roommates and England’s The Sun has pointed out that Lohan was recently photographed wearing a ring with Ronson’s initials on her ring finger.

Of course, Star is basically The Weekly World News with a focus on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie instead of Bigfoot, and The Sun is, well, The Sun, so this is all completely meaningless and only merited space here today because I’m bored at work.

Short Cuts: Cynthia Nixon and Elderly Lezbots Edition

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On March 6, 2008

In Uncategorized

“OMG, look at Jessica Biel’s ass!”

For some reason, Cynthia Nixon (pictured above with Kristin Davis) is getting a lot of attention this morning for saying she’s in love with her girlfriend. I’m not sure why, since you generally expect people to love their girlfriends or boyfriends, but it’s not like I haven’t been accused of being dense before. Here’s what she said while doing press for the upcoming Sex and the City movie:

“I’m in a fantastic relationship. It’s been about four years. I’m in love with [Christine] because she’s her. If she were a man, would I be in love with her? I don’t know. We shop and cook and raise children – we both pitch in.”

You can keep the cracks about who does most of the pitching to yourself, you cretins. They’re a cool couple and should be left alone. JC Chasez and the overplucked guy from Gossip Girl, on the other hand, might deserve a bit of a scrutiny.

And in other news…

Liz Smith, Lily Tomlin and Jane Wagner are all contributing to the same website — and no, it’s not a new geriatric section of AfterEllen, though one is undoubtedly in the works. They’re just three of the names attached to Wowowow, a new Internet hangout for “mature women.”

Candice Bergen, Whoopi Goldberg and Marlo Thomas will also chip in, but before you visit the site, which officially opens for business on Saturday, you should know that Peggy Noonan (even Meryl Streep knows there’s something off about Peggy Noonan, and Streep has spent decades promoting studio movies, so she rarely says anything but “so-and-so’s delightful!”) and 60 Minutes hack Lesley Stahl are two of its co-founders. You can read more about the creation of Wowowow here.

Tilda and Derek and Tabloids! Oh, My!

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On February 17, 2008

In Uncategorized

Tilda with Michael Clayton costar George Villechaize – er, Clooney

The Oscars are only a week away, but instead of buzzing about Tilda Swinton’s chances of taking home the Best Supporting Actress award for her work in Michael Clayton, all the papers want to talk about is her personal life. When has the Daily News ever paid this kind of attention to an actress as under-the-radar as Swinton? They kick things off with this:

Actress Tilda Swinton, her longtime partner John Byrne and her young loverboy Sandro Kopp claim to be perfectly happy with their unconventional menage-a-trois relationship.

None of which is news, since Swinton publicly acknowledged the arrangement some time ago; but as the article notes, Britain’s Daily Mail has landed one of their trademark interviews with Kopp’s spurned lover, Emma Williamson, and that’s the kind of development gossip editors from around the world live for. Interestingly, reporters Steve D’Antal and Amanda Perthen buck Daily Mail tradition by not dragging Swinton through the mud. They even turn a critical eye to Williamson’s account of the story, observing:

There is no doubt Emma means what she says, no doubt she has been profoundly hurt by Sandro’s faithless behaviour.

But the image she paints of their relationship and of Sandro’s character seems out of sync with her conclusion that they were destined for a “happily ever after”, were it not for the arrival of bohemian Tilda.

Naturally, that doesn’t stop them from attacking Kopp, even questioning his sanity, but it does highlight the fact that even tabloid hacks have some reverence for the almighty Swinton.

In non-salacious Tilda-related news, The Observer ran a nice remembrance of director Derek Jarman this weekend, written by Howard Sooley. Jarman, who died of complications from AIDS on February 19, 1994, effectively launched Swinton’s career, directing her in seven films. He was also one of her closest friends. You can read interviews about her involvement in Isaac Julien’s Derek, a documentary about Jarman’s life and career, at Dark Horizons and FilmStew.

Lesbians Denied Both Puppies and Clea Duvall

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On February 11, 2008

In Uncategorized

What kind of sick bastard wouldn’t let them buy a puppy?

A kennel owner in Sweden refused to sell a woman a puppy after learning she was gay. To which I say: WTF? The situation has been rectified, since an appeals court in Stockholm has ruled that you can’t be denied canine companionship on the basis of your sexuality, but I find this story very confusing. When I hear about asshole-ish business owners turning away gay customers, I think of America. More specifically, I think of Texas, but that’s neither here nor there. (Please, Texans, don’t go all Walker, Texas Ranger on my ass. I’m a weakling. An admitted weakling. Attacking me would be like attacking Linda Hunt, and only a complete jack-off would attack Linda Hunt.)

What didn’t compute for me when I first read this story is that homophobia exists in Sweden. Which is stupid, I know, because homophobia exists everywhere. (Well, everywhere except in kittens and the hearts of children. Unless the kittens and children belong to Shirley Phelps-Furley. Yes, I said Furley. Because, let’s face it, Mr. Roper was a ‘phobe but Mr. Furley had an IQ of 80, tops, which means his intelligence was roughly equal to Shirley’s.) But c’mon: Sweden.

I’m a big Ingmar Bergman fan, so I was under the impression that Swedes spent all their time in mental anguish over the absence of God, mutilating their genitals with jagged pieces of glass and playing chess, or at least backgammon, with the Grim Reaper to pass the time. And remember all those reviews of Fucking Åmål (better known in English-speaking countries under its sanitized name, Show Me Love) that mentioned it beat Titanic at the Swedish box office when it was first released? I guess the homophobic kennel owner isn’t a Lukas Moodysson fan.

Other reading:

GayWired ran a puff piece on Itty Bitty Titty Committee (which, if you survey its credits on IMDB, kind of looks like the lesbian version of It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World) with this sentence that caught my eye:

Lesbian luminaries Guinevere Turner and Jenny Shimizu, along with long-time friends to the gay gals, Clea Duvall and Melanie Lynskey, join a smoking cast of relative newcomers to start the next big feminist movement.

Clea Duvall is a “long-time friend to the gay gals?” I think what Tracy E. Gilchrist and L. A. Vess meant was long-time friend with benefits, no? And, uh, what about Melanie Mayron while we’re at it? Why does she get to fly under the radar?

Finally, can’t get enough of the lurid Seth Tobias story? New York magazine’s Stephen Rodrick has written a very long article about it.

Short Cuts: Leonard Bernstein & Charlotte Rampling Edition

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On February 5, 2008

In Uncategorized

“‘I Feel Pretty’ is really Riff and Bernardo’s song.”

“To write a great Broadway musical, you have to be either Jewish or gay. And I’m both.” That’s according to Leonard Bernstein, from Rodney Greenberg’s new Jewish Quarterly profile of the composer. For the record, I’m also both, and if I tried to write a Broadway musical the results would be more disastrous than Taboo. I feel so cheated.

Of Bernstein’s sexuality, Greenberg writes:

Bernstein’s complex personality created havoc at times, particularly when his homosexuality led him to leave Felicia and live for a while with a music researcher, Tom Cothran. Jamie Bernstein, his daughter, said her father needed to know he could also come back home — to his ‘quiet place’. Not long afterwards, Felicia died of cancer. He was consumed by remorse, and never properly recovered. In a scene reminiscent of a Verdi opera plot, she had cursed him: ‘You are going to die a bitter and lonely old man.’

That’s rather depressing, isn’t it?

“I can kill a man in two seconds with a withering glance. My agent timed me.”

Charlotte Rampling, one of the most gorgeous and consistently fascinating actresses in the history of movies (and, along with Valeria Bruni Tedeschi, my favorite François Ozon muse), turns 62 today. If you missed this remarkably personal Guardian interview she gave while promoting Swimming Pool in 2003 and have a few minutes to spare, now is the perfect time to check it out.

Saturday Morning Short Cuts

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On February 2, 2008

In Uncategorized

McGillis in The Monkey’s Mask: “Don’t ever interrupt me when I’m watching football.”

The 17th Annual Kelly McGillis Classic International Women’s/Girls’ Flag Football Championship begins this weekend in Key West, Florida. You can read more by visiting the tournament’s official website, which informs us that not only does McGillis — whose guest arc on The L Word begins later this month — enjoy playing football herself, but one of the teams in this year’s competition is called the Diesel Daisies.

I was going to suggest that McGillis Classic scheduling might be to blame for the Spice Girls cutting their reunion tour short (you know how Mel C. is about her sports), but it turns out they’re not wrapping things up until February 26th.

Sontag at home in 1988, in an image from Leibovitz’s A Photographer’s Life

In her review of David Rieff’s Swimming in a Sea of Death, a memoir of his mother Susan Sontag’s battle with cancer, Katie Roiphe quotes Rieff as writing that Sontag was “humiliated posthumously” by lover Annie Leibovitz’s “carnival images of celebrity death.” The personal photographs first caused a stir upon their publication in the Leibovitz collection A Photographer’s Life: 1990-2005 in 2006. Promotion for the book marked the first time Leibovitz spoke publicly about her lengthy relationship with Sontag.

Later this year, Rieff will oversee the publication of journals and notebooks his mother kept between 1947 and 1964. Previously published excerpts contain Sontag’s reflections on lesbian relationships with Harriet Sohmers and Maria Irene Fornes and comments like, “My desire to write is connected with my homosexuality. I need the identity as a weapon, to match the weapon that society has against me. It doesn’t justify my homosexuality. But it would give me — I feel — a license.” Sontag also wrote: “Being queer makes me feel more vulnerable.”

Other news and suggested reading:

Yesterday an appeals court ruled that Dr. Sneha Anne Philip died at the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001. Philip’s disappearance was the subject of a 2006 New York magazine article that revealed a police probe into her personal life turned up stories of hidden alcohol abuse and bisexual affairs, which her family denied.

JFLAG, the Jamaica Forum for Lesbians All-Sexuals and Gays, has made a plea for government action in the wake of a mob attack on gay men in Mandeville. Their statement reads in part, “We are cultivating an uncivil society which seems to be itching for a reason to resort to mob violence as a redress for real or perceived grievances. When those with whom we entrust the responsibility of leadership fail to act decisively, they betray all Jamaicans.”

Where are gays in space? And Jodie Foster in Contact doesn’t count. We’re not talking about gays in front of bluescreens.

Newsday journalist Saul Friedman has written a nice piece about SAGE-LI, a new Long Island organization devoted to helping elderly GLBT individuals.

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