From New York, another article for my geeky sister to add to her collection of Rachel Maddow press clippings. My favorite quote comes from Rachel’s partner, photographer Susan Mikula:
They’re both nonchalant about the fact that Maddow is the first openly gay woman to host a prime-time news show.
“We kind of forget we’re gay,” says Mikula. “We live in western Mass and New York and it’s very accommodating. Every once and a while I’ll say, ‘Oh my God, we’re gay.’ ”
“I’ve been out most of my life,” says Maddow. “I don’t feel like I have a choice about it. I look gay.”
I have moments like that myself sometimes, and every time it happens I’m kind of surprised for a minute, and then I’m surprised at my surprise. And then I think to myself, “What the fuck is wrong with you? This isn’t exactly a breaking news bulletin.” It’s not like I ever stop what I’m doing to say, “Holy crap, I’m Jewish!” or “Jesus Christ, I’m a liberal!” It’s only the gay thing that ever slips my mind.
There’s also a lot of Keith Olbermann-y goodness, for those of you who like such things, plus the obligatory rundown of MSNBC behind-the-scenes grudgefest gossip that accompanies articles about so much of its (and CNBC’s) programming. Personally, I’m a little sick of all that “So then Dan was like, Excuse me?! and Keith was like, Oh no he di’n’t” business. It makes the guys at MSNBC sound like “Desperate Housewives” characters.
MSNBC ratings heroine Rachel Maddow’s blustery, bile-spewing fake uncle*, the scary death monster Pat Buchanan, is getting all worked up over John “Sweet Coconut” McCain’s new go-to threesome (replacing longtime favorites Burt Reynolds, Dom DeLuise and Charles Nelson Reilly): Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid.
In fact, Buchanan can’t stop fantasizing about the possibility that should Obama become our next president, the Democratic trio might seductively embrace illegal aliens (that they’re illegal makes them that much sexier) and erotically tease the uninsured with promises of access to affordable health care.
These are some of the awful things Pat wants you to fear from an Obama administration:
“Should I clean the garage when I’m done with the lawn?”
The New York Times Magazine recently visited Rachel Maddow at home in Massachusetts and asked her a whole bunch of questions about her house, her favorite things, and how she spends her free time. Since my sister idolizes Rachel Maddow, I’d like to direct her attention to the first photograph at the link. Her eyes will immediately go to Rachel’s jeans and T-shirt, because she’s toyed with the idea of starting a “Free Rachel” campaign that would urge MSNBC to let their new “liberal queen of US news” dress however she wants on her show.* Once she’s done admiring her casual attire, I urge her to look at what’s behind Rachel.
That’s right, there are books. Lots of them. That’s because smart people read books. So would you please, sister whose name I won’t mention here, leave me alone about the size of my library from now on? You can continue to mock everything else you mock about me (though I wish you’d stop laughing maniacally at the thought of me getting lost in the grocery store; you know that never happened), but the books deserve a rest.
Also, take a look at how Rachel answers the question of what’s by her bed: “I read comics sometimes and graphic novels. I appreciate that genre.” You see that? Comics and graphic novels! So you can also shut up about my Buffy comics and graphic novels while you’re at it. If you meet me halfway on this, it’s possible I might — I stress the word “might” here, because it will be exceptionally difficult — stop making fun of your encyclopedic knowledge of Tegan and Sara’s tattoos.
Now, if we can awkwardly segue back to the Times piece, here are some other things we learned about Rachel Maddow: She’s a mustard person. She loses sleep worrying about loose nukes. To put her own mark on a house that mostly reflects her partner’s style, she placed a squirrel sculpture near the kitchen table. Writing makes her “want to blow [her] head off.” She has clown shoes, a Ford pickup and a Massachusetts fishing license. Most intriguingly, she says, “I have a little stockpile of lawn mowers, some of which it has been years since they worked. But it seems wrong to get rid of lawn mowers, so I keep them.”
Sadly, interviewer Edward Lewine wasn’t intrepid enough to ask the hard-hitting follow-up questions: Are they all walk-behinds or are there a few riding lawn mowers mixed in there as well? Are we talking about old-school reel mowers or more newfangled equipment? Has she tried a robotic lawn mower yet?
Robotic lawn mowers are pretty cool, except they don’t look robotic enough for my tastes: I want a lawn mower that’s modeled on Rosie from The Jetsons. Looking out your window to see an actual robot-looking robot cutting the lawn would go a long way in lessening the sting of the $1,500 price tag on most Robomowers. Or, what if there was a Short Circuit-inspired lawn mower? Throw in an extra $1,000 and you could probably get Steve Guttenberg and Ally Sheedy to show up with a leaf blower and hedge trimmers and finish your landscaping themselves.
UPDATE (7:22 PM): More good news about Rachel’s ratings can be found here. Also, my sister responds to the NYT Magazine piece: “Awww, that’s such a cute picture.” A few minutes later: “OMG! I always wanted a Ford Ranger when I was a kid!” Still no word on whether she’ll back off my library, but I’m choosing to be optimistic.
*After giving more consideration to how MSNBC promotes The Rachel Maddow Show, I’ve decided they should just use the tagline “Rachel Talks You Down.” She doesn’t really talk you down, mostly she just reassures you that you’re right to panic, but that’s why people like her and it’s why they like Keith Olbermann. Viewers find it comforting to know they’re not the only ones who are angered and appalled by what’s going on in our country. So it’s either something encouraging like “Rachel Talks You Down” or something completely honest like “Fox News is for Fucking Morons. MSNBC Isn’t.” (Then there could be a disclaimer that says, “Except for Morning Joe, David Gregory and Pat Buchanan.”)
No, they’re not talking about Anderson Cooper — he isn’t a pundit, silly. And the “liberal” rules out FOX’s Shep Smith, which leaves us with the brilliant Rachel Maddow, whose new MSNBC show has garnered impressive ratings for the network since premiering earlier this month. It also has the distinction of being the only show on TV that my teenage sister and middle-aged father watch together, which I think could form the basis of an inspiring ad campaign.
You could start off with a family sitting in awkward silence at the dinner table. When they do speak, their comments are terse and accusatory. The teens are surly, the dad seems exasperated, the mother defeated. But later that night, as Maddow’s show is about to start — she can stand in front of a standard-issue network promo backdrop and smile benevolently with her arms crossed as this happens — the parents put down their copies of Nixonland or What’s the Matter with Kansas? and the teens silence their cell phones and lower their laptop screens for the first time all day.
They watch the show as a family, wearing similar expressions of slack-jawed disbelief as a torrent of clips showing John McCain referring to himself as a maverick plays (or maybe it should be a clip of Sarah Palin talking about Alaska’s participation in the Russian civil war and how they bravely rode into St. Petersburg on dinosaurback to fight on the side of Union because slavery was taking jobs away from Americans — I’m sure CBS has something like that on the cutting room floor).
Then Maddow would offer some kind of wry commentary and the family would relax and find themselves united in laughter. At which point one of those deep-voiced announcers who tries to make everything sound heartwarming would say: “Rachel Maddow, bringing families together in living rooms across America.” Accompanied, perhaps, by a small picture of Rachel at the bottom of the screen and a quickie voice-over: “I’m Rachel Maddow, and I approved this ad.”
Can you tell I’ve had too much time on my hands today?
