Tag: Nonsense Page 2 of 3

On November 8, 2008

So I was minding my business, ~~lifting some lead off the roof of the Holy Name church~~^* looking for information about an old Sidney Lumet film at IMDb (I know how to have fun on a Friday night), when I decided to skim today’s WENN offerings. That’s how I came across this odd little blurb about Elizabeth Banks banning her in-laws from seeing her latest movie:

Elizabeth Banks has banned her husband’s parents from watching her strip in saucy new movie Zack And Miri Make A Porno.
The actress jumps into bed with pal Seth Rogen to make a sex tape for cash in the Kevin Smith comedy.
And Banks hates the idea of her in-laws watching her have sex with anyone other than her spouse of five years, Max Handelman.

Am I going crazy or is that last sentence rather disturbing? The piece goes on to quote Banks in a way that kind of explains the wording, but that doesn’t mean my face hasn’t been frozen in horror for the last five minutes anyway.

^* Damn that Morrissey. Once he gets in your head he’s there all day.

Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.

When Dirty Spam is Misleading

On November 6, 2008

I received a piece of spam this morning with the subject line “Hot lesbian slut gets punished by her girlfriend for fucking another boy!”

(The exclamation point was theirs, by the way, and I commend whoever put the spam together for using it instead of a more anti-gay frowny-face emoticon. In the wake of three states passing gay marriage bans on Tuesday, it makes me happy to know that spammers are so enthusiastic about homosexuality.)

As far as the substance of the subject line goes, I’m O.K. with hot lesbian sluts. I approve of them in much the same way that I approve of the progressive tax system and Velvet Underground records. And if this particular lesbian or, for that matter, any lesbian — hot or not, promiscuous or monogamous, or partly monogamous with a 30% chance of infidelity — likes getting punished by her girlfriend, I’m completely supportive of that.

It’s the “for fucking another boy” part that I’m having trouble with. Doesn’t “another” imply something that “lesbian” and “girlfriend” don’t? I guess what I’m getting at is, I don’t know, I’m not so convinced this hot slut is really a lesbian.

Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.

John McCain, More Goose Than Maverick

On November 5, 2008

Yes, I really rented Top Gun just to get this image.

I’d planned on simply posting the headline, the picture, and the word “discuss,” but there’s nowhere for you to discuss anything here so that would be kind of stupid. All things considered, the only difference I see between John McCain and Goose is that Meg Ryan, a Barack Obama supporter, cried when Goose went down.

Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.

Maddow-mania Continues

On November 3, 2008

From New York, another article for my geeky sister to add to her collection of Rachel Maddow press clippings. My favorite quote comes from Rachel’s partner, photographer Susan Mikula:

They’re both nonchalant about the fact that Maddow is the first openly gay woman to host a prime-time news show.
“We kind of forget we’re gay,” says Mikula. “We live in western Mass and New York and it’s very accommodating. Every once and a while I’ll say, ‘Oh my God, we’re gay.’ ”
“I’ve been out most of my life,” says Maddow. “I don’t feel like I have a choice about it. I look gay.”

I have moments like that myself sometimes, and every time it happens I’m kind of surprised for a minute, and then I’m surprised at my surprise. And then I think to myself, “What the fuck is wrong with you? This isn’t exactly a breaking news bulletin.” It’s not like I ever stop what I’m doing to say, “Holy crap, I’m Jewish!” or “Jesus Christ, I’m a liberal!” It’s only the gay thing that ever slips my mind.

There’s also a lot of Keith Olbermann-y goodness, for those of you who like such things, plus the obligatory rundown of MSNBC behind-the-scenes grudgefest gossip that accompanies articles about so much of its (and CNBC’s) programming. Personally, I’m a little sick of all that “So then Dan was like, Excuse me?! and Keith was like, Oh no he di’n’t” business. It makes the guys at MSNBC sound like “Desperate Housewives” characters.

Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.

Should I Hire Protection?

On October 27, 2008

According to the FBI, hate crimes decreased by 1 percent in 2007. Good news, right? Except for the part where anti-gay hate crimes actually increased by 6 percent. And what about this:

Racially motivated hate crimes accounted for more than half of that total. Religious bias was the second-leading motive for hate crimes, followed by prejudice against sexual orientation.
Within those categories, the FBI report found most hate crimes tended to be anti-black, anti-Jewish and anti-gay.

Egad! Not only am I gay, but as you can see from my photo on the upper right side of this page, I’m also Black. (That photo, by the way, is somewhat out of date. I’ve grown at least two inches since it was taken last year.) Or maybe I’m Jewish. I forget.

Either way, I’m feeling kind of nervous at the moment, and I’m glad I bookmarked this story about female bodyguards a few weeks ago. It might be worth looking into should those anti-gay hate crime numbers increase again in 2008. And who knows, maybe I’d end up with a female version of Kevin Costner (one who doesn’t perform lewd sex acts in front of mortified masseuses while we’re honeymooning in Scotland. That’s so gauche) and find myself singing a passionate rendition of “I Have Nothing” because of her. Or maybe we could scratch that last part, because no one wants to hear me sing. If you had any idea how terrible that sounds, you’d probably pay me not to.

Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.

Sex Uncovered Takes a Look at Lesbianism

On October 26, 2008

“For three glorious days, I handed my lover plump strawberries and smoked duck meat…”

This weekend, The Observer, as part of their massive “Sex Uncovered” feature that is all about Britain and sex in the year 2008, published several sex diaries written by people from all walks of life. I had to read the one by Patricia, a 46-year-old lesbian, several times in order to wrap my brain around it. It’s presented in a somewhat choppy style, but I think it’s worth sharing. How often do lesbians get to write about their sex lives in The Observer?

My favorite parts:

My partner and I haven’t used a strap-on, certainly not since we moved from the other flat last year.

I keep going back to this sentence. What does it mean? It’s the “certainly not since we moved” part that really draws you in. It’s so intriguing. What’s so certain about it? Did they leave the strap-on back at the old flat? Did they toss it in with some odds and ends they donated to charity before moving?

Weren’t These Tracks on “M!ssundaztood?”

On October 10, 2008

When you’re reading a review of a cabaret show and come across a description that says “over the course of 60 minutes, and in about 10 songs” the performer sings about “the ubiquity of fanny packs on lesbians, the need for upper-body strength in lesbian sex, finding your soulmate on the Internet, and an affinity for U-Hauls,” the first thing that probably comes to mind is: Oh, Pink’s collaborating with Linda Perry again.

The culprits are actually Amy Turner and Kathryn Lounsbery, a musical-comedy duo I hadn’t heard of before reading this review of That’s What She Said! — a review that’s particularly charming because gay-but-not-lesbian critic Richard Dodds doesn’t know what the hell they’re talking about with the upper-body strength thing.

A bit of research shows that Turner and Lounsbery are trying to “make the world smile — one dyke at a time” (good luck with that, you crazy kids) and that they share a fondness for colorful jackets; you can check out their music online. For their next trick, I want them to write a song about how every third lesbian is named Amy. That function was previously filled by the ever-popular Tammy, but then the ’90s happened and many a young Amy who’d been born in the mid-to-late seventies discovered the riot grrrl scene and women’s studies programs. Just like that, Amy was all the Sapphic rage.

Sapphic rage, by the way? Another great topic for a song. Or an opera. An opera set at MichFest. Lea DeLaria can star. Anyone who wants to develop this idea should contact my people immediately, before Joel Schumacher snaps it up for Gerard Butler.

Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.

Greatest Quote Ever?

On October 5, 2008

Classy reality TV personality and retired bisexual Abi Titmuss

“You are not bisexual, that is reserved for 15-year-old goths and Abi Titmuss, you stupid lesbian.”

That is from Laura May Coope’s account of her romance with Linzi Symons in this month’s installment of The Observer‘s Ex Files, which has both sides of a failed relationship dissect what went wrong. If I ever have the opportunity to say it to someone, I will do so with glee. And if I didn’t have a monotone, I’d make sure to deliver the line with the haughtiness and mock scorn it so richly deserves.

BTW, Coope’s assessment was correct and Symons now refers to herself as gay.

Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.

John McCain’s No Sandra Bullock

On September 27, 2008

Just wanted to remind you all, in case you missed it any of the eight thousand times he pointed it out last night: John McCain was never voted Miss Congeniality.

McCain seemed to wear this failure like a badge of honor, not realizing it was both a groaner of a line and a repeated reminder of his appallingly unqualified running mate, who isn’t allowed to take questions from reporters but used to put on a swimsuit for a panel of judges in hopes of winning a tiara.

Truthfully, a Miss Congeniality title could only help his campaign at this point; McCain’s irritability and juvenile unwillingness to even look at Obama during the debate hasn’t played well with voters. Plus, if box office returns are any indication, America loves a bumbling but ultimately competent beauty pageant contestant.

McCain seemed to have the bumbling part down as he informed us of the advanced age of his pen (which appeared to be a Sharpie) and launched into countless meandering anecdotes of dubious relation to the topics he was asked to discuss. What he didn’t do was convince anyone he could foil a terrorist plot as ably — or dare I say as adorably — as Sandra Bullock.*

* Well, I’m assuming she foiled the plot in Miss Congeniality. I’ve only seen about ten minutes of that movie but the fact that a sequel was made indicates everyone survived. Bullock, come to think of it, is no stranger to battling terrorism. There was Dennis Hopper in Speed, Willem Dafoe in Speed 2, cyberterrorists in The Net, the beauty pageant terror plot in Miss Congeniality. And I won’t even get into Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. She’s a one-woman Department of Homeland Security.

Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.