Cranky Lesbian

Look what the homosexuals have done to me!

Tag: Murder Most Foul Page 3 of 5

Courtney Thorne-Smith is a Murderous Dairy Princess in Midwest Obsession

By

On July 11, 2022

In TV Movies

We’re not watching outtakes from Drop Dead Gorgeous. This is all Midwest Obsession.

Try as the actors might, the only authentic performances in Midwest Obsession (1995) are those of its farm animals. That is the fault of the screenplay primarily, but I also blame the director, the producers, and possibly even society. (Were viewers not the ones demanding an endless supply of grisly movies-of-the-week during this era?) It must have been demoralizing heading to the set each day, trying to will a story this grim into existence.

We begin with a murder in a parking lot. The editing is abrupt and unsatisfying, leaving you less frightened than confused. The lighting doesn’t help; several scenes are too dark to fully keep track of what’s happening. It’s a problem that intensifies as the story unfolds. When our murderess loses control of herself, as happens now and then, the distorted shots and frenetic cuts are more suggestive of a Soundgarden music video than a movie. (The film’s fashions also aged poorly, which some of you might enjoy. If you’re in that camp, check out Gabrielle Carteris in Seduced and Betrayed, also from ’95.)

Read More

Danger Calls for Lynda Carter in Hotline (1982)

By

On June 21, 2022

In TV Movies

There’s a killer on the line in Hotline.

If you’ve ever wanted to see Lynda Carter wear a trucker hat, operate a microform reader, or wield a harpoon as she takes down a deranged serial killer, have I got a movie for you. Hotline premiered on CBS in 1982, and, unlike other made-for-TV fare of the same vintage (see: 1981’s No Place to Hide), it backs up its suspense with some genuine scares.

Carter plays Brianne O’Neill, an art student and part-time bartender at a country-and-western watering hole. Widowed when her Navy pilot husband died in an accident—fortunately, there are no Thin Ice shenanigans afoot—she attracts unwanted attention wherever she goes, and particularly at work. “Watch out, Bri,” a waitress cautions at the start of her latest shift. “I think there’s a full moon out tonight. The fanny-grabbers are out in force.”

Read More

Doris Day Marries a Klansman in Storm Warning

By

On April 29, 2022

In '50s Films

It’s cloudy with a chance of racism in Storm Warning.

A genre-blending mess of a film that takes frosty relations between in-laws to extremes, Storm Warning is also notable for its unusual denouement, in which Ginger Rogers is lashed (seven times!) with a whip. Alas, that is only the beginning of her suffering — her pregnant sister still has to die in her arms. We could debate whether Warning is more film noir or melodrama, but the question I kept returning to was whether its final 20 minutes might qualify as a primitive iteration of torture porn.

Read More

Lady Mobster: Susan Lucci as Michael Corleone

By

On April 22, 2022

In Susan Lucci

Susan Lucci is a diminutive mafioso in Lady Mobster.

Susan Lucci’s Laurel Castle doesn’t come right out and quote Michael Corleone in Lady Mobster, but her behavior toward the heads of other crime families echoes something Michael told his consigliere: “I don’t feel I have to wipe everybody out, Tom. Just my enemies. That’s all.”

In this pulpy 1988 TV movie, Laurel has enemies from way back. A hitman killed her parents when she was a teenager, and slashed her face before fleeing from the police. (Her wound heals nicely, sparing her the fate of Judith Anderson’s Lady Scarface.) Her father was targeted for trying to take mafioso Victor Castle (Joseph Wiseman) legit, a crusade Laurel resumes as a young attorney.

Read More

Delta Burke Goes Mommie Fearest in Maternal Instincts

By

On April 15, 2022

In TV Movies

Maternal Instincts screen cap of Delta Burke in a psychiatric ward cell
Delta Burke in Maternal Instincts

As Delta Burke’s Maternal Instincts, a USA Network howler that premiered in 1996, reminds us, some women would die to be mothers—and others would kill for the same privilege. Her Tracy Patterson, an infertile former realtor whose biological clock could explode at any moment, technically belongs to both categories.

Dr. Eve Warden (Beth Broderick), a fertility specialist, cautions Tracy and her husband, Stan (Tom Mason), to be realistic. “Even if all goes well, there’s only a small percentage of success.” Tracy’s sure she’ll be part of that exclusive, odds-defying club, and has already purchased an antique cradle and selected a name for her daughter. Stan, who spoils his wife but can’t give her the one thing she wants the most, isn’t as sure.

Read More

In the Arms of a Killer: Jaclyn Smith’s Absurd Detective Film

By

On April 6, 2022

In TV Movies

Jaclyn Smith solves a series of murders in In the Arms of a Killer.

Knowing as we do that Jaclyn Smith’s hair has been solving crimes since the mid-1970s, it was mildly surprising to see her as a rookie detective in 1992’s In the Arms of a Killer. Smith’s Maria Quinn looks close to 50 and exudes a soft-focus sophistication that puts her at odds with Vincent Cusack, her flashily besuited, cigar-chomping new partner. Cusack, a gruff motormouth played with panache by John Spencer, is immediately suspicious.

After confirming his hunch that she’s from a privileged background, he cuts to the chase: “Nobody gives anybody anything. What’s your juice, Quinn?” She answers, “I was married to a cop who was killed on the job. The brass gives me anything I want.” It’s one of our first indications we aren’t in for gritty realism, despite the film’s Sidney Lumet aspirations.

Read More

Angie Dickinson Wields a Badge (Again) in Prime Target

By

On April 4, 2022

In TV Movies

Angie Dickinson shoots to kill in Prime Target.

Eleven years after Angie Dickinson last nabbed a perp as Sgt. Pepper Anderson on Police Woman, she was back in the hunt in Prime Target (1989). This made-for-TV movie reunites her with Police Woman creator Robert L. Collins, who writes and directs. As veteran NYPD Sgt. Kelly Mulcahaney, she’s both predator and prey while investigating crooked cops who’ve been murdering women on the force, and Dickinson seems uncharacteristically peeved.

“So, why am I heading this task force?” she asks after being handed the assignment by Commissioner Peter Armetage (David Soul, who looks amusingly louche behind his giant desk). “Because you’re one of the highest-ranking female homicide detectives we’ve got,” he answers. “Because you’re on the women’s committee. Because I requested you, personally.” They have a history, of course, and that’s where the hardboiled dialogue begins:

Kelly: You know what they’re gonna say about this. About us. Again.

Peter: Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. My friend.

Kelly: Not anymore, I’m not.

Peter: How’s Judge What’s-His-Name?

Kelly: How’s your wife?

Peter: God, you’re tough. Why are you so tough, huh?

PRime target (1989)

On her way out she tells him, “Oh, and by the way, happy birthday, Peter. I’d have brought you a present except” — she shrugs — “what do you give someone who’s had everybody?” We trust that Kelly’s formidable, but Dickinson appears bored in another of her tough-broad-in-a-man’s-world roles. She dutifully pauses after each barb lands, her mind possibly wandering to that night’s dinner plans.

Read More

Rent-a-Cop: Burt and Liza’s Forgotten Masterpiece

By

On March 12, 2022

In Burt Reynolds

Burt and Liza are under attack by critics, and a crazed killer, in Rent-a-Cop.

The ’80s were a rough decade for Burt Reynolds and Liza Minnelli, with 1988 proving something of a nadir for them both. Not only was Rent-a-Cop a critical and commercial flop, Reynolds had a second bomb with Switching Channels less than two months later. Minnelli’s year was arguably more disastrous, resulting in a Worst Actress Razzie win for her work in Cop and Arthur 2: On the Rocks. All of this makes Rent-a-Cop sound somewhat better, and worse, than it actually is.

Before we get into the plot, let’s take a moment to remember a bit of ’80s movie trivia. Just weeks before Rent-a-Cop was given its ignominious January theatrical release, Nuts received a prestige December debut. Barbra Streisand played a hooker on trial for murder in that Martin Ritt film, an unsatisfying mess that nevertheless garnered a few Golden Globe nominations. I would argue that in the battle of prostitution movies starring non-competitive EGOT honorees, Minnelli made the more enjoyable picture.

Read More

Jean Smart Hunts a Madman in Killer Instinct

By

On February 25, 2022

In TV Movies

Killer Instinct screen shot
Jean Smart nabs a perp in Killer Instinct

The powers of perception that eluded Jean Smart in Change of Heart — in which she was stunned to learn her husband was gay — are on full display in Killer Instinct, another Lifetime movie. Here she plays Candice ‘Candy’ DeLong, the FBI’s first female profiler. We’re reminded, often and somewhat aggressively, of her occupation, which is good for some early laughs.

Nabbing a child abuser in an opening scene, she identifies her agency as “The F.B. friggin’ I.” When the unrepentant perp calls her a pig, she replies “That’s Miss Federal Pig to you!” Smart sports a soft butch hairdo, erratically styled so she resembles a soccer mom in one scene and a victim of accidental electrocution in the next. A white tank, black leather jacket and shades complete the look, establishing DeLong as an anti-Charlene Frazier.

Read More

Susan Lucci Will Not Be Ignored in Seduced and Betrayed

By

On January 24, 2022

In Susan Lucci

Susan Lucci and David Charvet in Seduced and Betrayed

Susan Lucci’s no stranger to adulterous affairs in TV movies, but there’s a twist in Seduced and Betrayed (1995)—Lucci goes full psycho. In The Woman Who Sinned and Between Love and Hate, it’s the scorned other man who seeks his revenge. In Blood on Her Hands, she’s a schemer content to let others do her dirty work. But in Seduced and Betrayed, there’s no outsourcing. She’s as determined to claim David Charvet for herself as she was to ruin Christmas in Ebbie.

Read More

Page 3 of 5

Previous

Next

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén