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Tag: Jaclyn Smith

Lies Before Kisses: Jaclyn Smith’s Tawdry Neo-Noir

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On January 12, 2024

In TV Movies

Jaclyn Smith schemes and seduces in Lies Before Kisses.

When we think of femme fatales, we don’t usually imagine scheming seductresses in mom jeans and cutesy vests. But Jaclyn Smith (In the Arms of a Killer, The Night They Saved Christmas) remains true to her early ’90s Kmart aesthetic in Lies Before Kisses (1991), even as she rushes from one clandestine meeting to the next, leaving a trail of besotted men — and planted evidence — in her wake.

The duality of her Elaine ‘Lainey’ Sanders, wife of publishing magnate Grant (Ben Gazzara), is exposed at their daughter’s birthday party. After a catering snafu leaves them cakeless, she graciously insists “Don’t worry. If we have to, we’ll put some candles on the pâté.” Her mood darkens moments later, once she overhears Grant on the phone with a mystery woman. Rather than confront her husband, she calls the catering company to unleash hell. Lainey is used to getting her way.

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Jaclyn Smith Believes in Santa in The Night They Saved Christmas

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On December 9, 2022

In TV Movies

Jaclyn Smith with her brood in The Night They Saved Christmas.

There is no greater ’80s holiday fantasy movie than A Smoky Mountain Christmas (1986), with its savory squirrel stew blend of witchcraft, fairy tales, backwoods orphans, country music stardom and poisoned maybe-lesbian pies. But once you’ve completed your annual viewing of that Dolly Parton classic, you might consider checking out The Night They Saved Christmas (1984), another family-oriented telefilm that will leave you staring at the screen in confusion, murmuring “What the jingle hell is this?”

Nearly as bad as Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, it essentially hinges on whether an oil company will slaughter Santa and his elves (who number in the thousands) for a shot at greater riches. But there’s so much more to it than that, nearly all of it bleak and depressing. The Night They Saved Christmas doesn’t only inspire ’80s nostalgia because of its sophisticated robot toys, parents on the verge of divorce, fashionable winter jumpers and references to Saudi involvement in American oil. It’s also a heartwarming reminder of our constant proximity to ruthless annihilation in the waning years of the Cold War.

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Charlie’s Angels: Unshackling “Angels in Chains”

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On July 20, 2022

In Charlie's Angels

Alas, Helen Stewart ain’t in charge here.

“Angels in Chains” isn’t just the most iconic episode of Charlie’s Angels, it’s a Matryoshka doll of sexploitation. And this time the perv-in-chief isn’t even that scoundrel, serial sexual harasser Charlie. It’s us. Nearly 50 years after it first aired—and even if you don’t consider yourself particularly lascivious—you’ll spend the first 11 minutes holding your breath, waiting for the Angels to finally land behind bars.

The case is straightforward enough: Christine Hunter (Lauren Tewis) hires Charlie to infiltrate Pine Parish Prison Farm, where her sister Elizabeth (Terry Green) disappeared. The Parish has a reputation as a place where comely young women are baselessly arrested, only to never be seen or heard from again. But without evidence of wrongdoing, the governor won’t devote resources to searching for Elizabeth.

This early part of the episode lacks Charlie’s usual ribald comments, leaving us to ponder why Sabrina’s dressed as a clownish lesbian pimp. (Kelly’s in enormous wedge heels, the type Tom Cruise might’ve worn to the Maverick premiere.) “I’ve already arranged for you three to go to prison,” Charlie cheerfully announces. Jill seems less bothered by the assignment than the others.

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Pervy Things Charlie Said to His Angels: Part 2

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On June 23, 2022

In Charlie's Angels

The Angels fight crime but tolerate sexual harassment in the workplace.

In the summer of 2014, for reasons far too stupid to recount here, I decided to watch every episode of Charlie’s Angels. My goal was to meticulously catalog the disgusting things Charlie said to his Angels. Unbeknownst to me, my future wife was lurking just around the corner. After meeting her, I tabled that ambitious project in favor of slightly more respectable work.

Now I’m picking up where I left off, and you’re invited to join along. Here you can find my original coverage of the pilot episode and “Hellride,” the first episode of season one. With the exception of the infamous “Angels in Chains,” I’ll try to do future installments in multi-episode batches to keep this from becoming the In Search of Lost Time of sexually exploitative television.

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In the Arms of a Killer: Jaclyn Smith’s Absurd Detective Film

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On April 6, 2022

In TV Movies

Jaclyn Smith solves a series of murders in In the Arms of a Killer.

Knowing as we do that Jaclyn Smith’s hair has been solving crimes since the mid-1970s, it was mildly surprising to see her as a rookie detective in 1992’s In the Arms of a Killer. Smith’s Maria Quinn looks close to 50 and exudes a soft-focus sophistication that puts her at odds with Vincent Cusack, her flashily besuited, cigar-chomping new partner. Cusack, a gruff motormouth played with panache by John Spencer, is immediately suspicious.

After confirming his hunch that she’s from a privileged background, he cuts to the chase: “Nobody gives anybody anything. What’s your juice, Quinn?” She answers, “I was married to a cop who was killed on the job. The brass gives me anything I want.” It’s one of our first indications we aren’t in for gritty realism, despite the film’s Sidney Lumet aspirations.

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In No Place to Hide, Menaced by a Stalker Who Might Not Exist

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On October 27, 2020

In TV Movies

Nothing’s quite as scary as the films you watched alone and late at night as a kid, even grainy reruns of old TV movies. That was my introduction to No Place to Hide, a 1981 CBS thriller starring Kathleen Beller (Dynasty‘s Kirby Anders). She plays Amy Manning, a mousy art student with a stalker, a man in a ski-mask and dark sunglasses. He finds her when she’s alone at night and opts for psychological torture over physical, telling her “Soon, Amy, soon.”

This October, nostalgic for something spooky, I decided to rewatch it and see if it held up. The search was more complicated than expected—it’s not currently available on subscription streaming services, DVD, or Blu-ray. It was last released on videocassette in 1989, by Video Treasures (later known as Anchor Bay). Fortunately, several retro YouTube channels currently offer it, one complete with original commercials.

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Pervy Shit Charlie Said to His Angels: Part 1

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On August 26, 2014

In Charlie's Angels

The Angels fight crime but tolerate sexual harassment in the workplace.

Recently, for reasons best left between me and the God of your choice (Bea Arthur works for me), I made a major life decision to watch all five seasons of Charlie’s Angels in its entirety. 

My familiarity with Angels was so scant that I had few expectations, but one thing I wasn’t prepared for was the grossness of Charlie himself. Okay, sure, the show’s reputation for having an “LOL, boners” sensibility preceded it (everyone’s heard of “jiggle TV”), but who would expect a speakerphone to be pervy?

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