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Is It Really the End of the Beard & Merkin Era?

Rock Hudson and his lesbian wife, Phyllis, laugh at the stupidity of the public.

On the heels of last week’s New York Times article about gay actors finding work in Hollywood comes this piece by MSNBC contributor Michael Ventre, who declares the “days of Rock Hudson-style facades over” while acknowledging that discrimination remains an issue for entertainers seeking an audience of millions. The latter part we’re in agreement about; when it comes to the former, I don’t know what the heck he’s talking about.

Unquestionably, there has been a shift over the last few years in how closeted Hollywood celebrities conduct themselves in the media. Rather than going through the elaborate charade of cooking up fake heterosexual relationships for public consumption (not that those things don’t still happen as well), more celebrities seem to be adopting the “my private life is off-limits” approach their British counterparts have long taken, an efficient way of avoiding both coming out and being actively closeted.

However, the American way of doing it sometimes seems to miss the point. You’re not preserving your personal integrity when you tell reporters your private life is off-limits and then proceed to spend 20 minutes yakking about your children, all the while failing to mention the fact that you had them with a partner — the same partner who was probably making sure they did their homework while you were off on a press junket pretending to be a single parent. What that ultimately exposes is an astonishing lack of integrity, made only slightly more palatable by the fact that a phony heterosexual love interest wasn’t dragged into the mix.

That more gay celebrities seem resistant to the idea of entering into sham relationships is certainly encouraging, but I question how much of it can be directly attributed to that optimistic, familiar standby that society is evolving. When it comes to the public embracing openly gay entertainers, that evolution can only happen as quickly as famous gay people allow it to. They have to keep coming out if we’re ever going to get anywhere, and when you compare the number of gay Hollywood types to the number of out Hollywood types, it’s clear there is still a great deal of progress to be made. And it’s only natural to wonder how many recent comings-out have been completely organic and how many have been the function of an increasingly invasive, ‘open 24/7 on the Internet’ tabloid media.

Are celebrities rejecting the Rock Hudson facade on their own, or is Perez Hilton rejecting it for them? I think the two are inextricably linked, but I’m also cynical enough to believe that the significant challenge of being a public figure and remaining closeted in the year 2008 has led to more recent outings than any newly unearthed altruistic impulses on the part of gay celebrities. Which leads us to another point of Ventre’s that I have to disagree with:

When gays and lesbians in the entertainment industry come out these days, they’d probably be advised to throw lavish coming-out parties to ensure that attention will be paid. In the year 2008, when tolerance levels appear to be at an all-time high — not ideal by any means, and with lots of room for improvement — such an announcement is often quickly consumed by the 24-hour news cycle, and digested by a more enlightened populace.

How many lavish coming-out parties has Hollywood ever held? More often than not, at least in recent memory, a short statement is released, or a matter-of-fact acknowledgment is made in an interview, and the blogosphere takes it from there. Heather Matarazzo, Sarah Paulson, Cynthia Nixon, T.R. Knight, David Hyde Pierce, Neil Patrick Harris — none of them were looking for a media circus when they came out, and few had the stature to warrant one, though the “Same Sex and the City” headline opportunities presented by the Nixon story were too great for most newspapers to resist.

Clay Aiken bucked the trend last week with his double whammy People cover and Good Morning America appearance, but most celebrity outings remain relatively low-key affairs — and are likely to stay that way when the majority of those electing to come out are faded pop stars or actors who work primarily on stage or in television.

Yes, Virginia, There Are Gays on TV

“Why are you looking at us like that?”

Having spent yesterday caught up in debate mania, I missed this Times article about the progress openly gay actors have made in landing TV roles. It doesn’t say much that gay viewers don’t already know (the headline is “Out in Hollywood: Starring Roles Are Rare”), but it’s nice to see actors like Bryan Batt of Mad Men and Jasika Nicole of Fringe mentioned alongside the usual suspects like T.R. Knight and Neil Patrick Harris. One thing that caught my eye:

Never before have gay story lines been so prominent. Nor have there ever been so many gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender characters on television — 83 by a recent count from the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, not counting reality shows, daytime dramas or gay-oriented cable networks.

Hollywood, with its depictions of cowboy lovers and lesbian neighbors, has done much to make gay men and women part of mainstream American life.

That makes things sound much rosier than they are. Gay characters in general and lesbian characters in particular don’t have nearly the kind of visibility on network television such reporting would have you believe. Or, if you will: There are gays on TV, you just have to strain your neck to see them.

If you haven’t already, you can dig through GLAAD’s findings yourself. For the record, there are currently zero lesbian leading roles to be found in scripted broadcast programming. (We’re typically underrepresented on network reality shows as well.)

In supporting roles you’ll find zero confirmed lesbians, though FOX’s Bones and House each have a bisexual supporting character and ABC’s Grey’s Anatomy has something brewing between the heretofore heterosexual doctors Torres and Hahn. (I’ve already weighed in on that; my expectations are low.) NBC’s Knight Rider, meanwhile, has a supporting character who is either bisexual or lesbian; as AfterElton’s Michael Jensen reports, the creative geniuses behind that show aren’t sure of her orientation. With cancellation looming on the horizon, they’re running out of time to make a decision.

That leaves the recurring character category, the paltriest category of all, and naturally that’s where we make a showing with the town mayor on NBC’s Friday Night Lights and Marge’s sister Patty on The Simpsons. There will also be a lesbian couple on The Goode Family, Mike Judge’s upcoming animated series on ABC, voiced by former SNL-ers Laraine Newman and Julia Sweeney. But never before have gay storylines been so prominent! Yay for gays! That lesbian chic thing has really taken off, hasn’t it?

Seriously, WTF?

From “The Clayboard,” a fan forum dedicated to Clay Aiken of American Idol:

“Clay fans are brave and loyal and loving, and sometimes they are truly tested. Hugs to everyone who has weathered the storm.”

Honestly, I’m surprised. I was expecting all kinds of crying and carrying on, but apparently the subject of Aiken’s appearance on the cover of People magazine — he is shown cradling his newborn son alongside the headline “Yes, I’m Gay” and the words “The Idol star opens up about his emotional decision to come out: ‘I cannot raise a child to lie or to hide things'”—is verboten until the authenticity of the story has been established.

For the record, a USA Today entertainment blogger has already posted that while People doesn’t have the cover on their website yet, “they confirm it’s real.” And there is currently a red breaking news style banner running across the top of the magazine’s website that advises readers to “Come back Wednesday for the full scoop on Clay Aiken at 7 A.M. EDT.”

Jacqui Smith and Contradictions, Plus Wimbledon Grumbling

“Who are you calling a dyke?”

Remember that ludicrous Jacqui Smith business from earlier this week, when the Home Secretary of the United Kingdom was stupid enough to suggest that Iran is safe for homosexuals? All they have to do, she more or less advised, is spend their lives hiding in the closet. Then they won’t have to worry about being hanged or seeking asylum in the UK.

Well, Smith is again commenting on homophobia, only this time it’s the kind that happens on her own soil. A Stonewall-commissioned report released on Thursday found that one in five gay, lesbian and bisexual people in Britain have been a victim of some kind of hate crime or homophobic incident since 2005, and that 3/4ths of them declined to file police reports about it.

The results of this poll have been called shocking, but I was immediately reminded of another survey about gay Brits, and have to say that if you’re not willing to divulge your sexuality to a random census-taker, chances are you’re not going to walk into a police station and say you were just assaulted or verbally harassed for being gay. (You could argue that it isn’t a fair correlation to make, as the Stonewall report obviously used self-identified gays and lesbians as their sample group; additionally, respondents cited perceived police indifference as a reason for not filing reports. But I think that taken together, the results of the surveys indicate a sizable percentage of gay men and women in the UK don’t feel as comfortable standing up for themselves as they should.)

Curiously, given Smith’s own indifference towards gays in Iran, she responded to the report swiftly and decisively, stating:

“In the 21st century no one in Britain should ever feel under threat of verbal or physical violence just because of their sexual orientation.

“We’re determined that lesbian and gay people should have the confidence to report crimes to the police knowing that they will be taken seriously, the crime investigated and their privacy respected.

“Our key priorities are to increase reporting; increase offences brought to justice and to tackle repeat victimisation and hotspots.”

All sentiments that are very nice and proper, but how about extending that sense of justice to people who are in danger of being executed because of their sexuality?

And while I’m complaining…

This is admittedly shallow — inappropriate, some might say, given the seriousness of the subject matter we just dealt with — but why does it seem as though ESPN and NBC, in their coverage of Wimbledon, conspired to keep me from staring at Dinara Safina’s arms? She’s out of the tournament now, having been ousted by Israel’s Shahar Peer in a close three-setter earlier today, and what did NBC show instead? A Venus Williams match that’s result was old news.

I’m demanding better treatment next year. You hear that, you programming bastards? I’m like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction: I will not be ignored. I don’t care if Americans played earlier in the day, I want live tennis. Live! If you do not meet my demands, I will not watch the rest of your network’s offerings. And if I’m already giving your shows the cold shoulder (sorry, NBC, but you know you suck), well … I don’t know. I’m sure I’ll come up with better threats over the coming months.

Iran is for (Discreet) Lovers, and Other Bullshit

“I loved your work in Top Gun.

According to the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network, women in the Army and Air Force are being kicked out in record numbers under “don’t ask, don’t tell.” From the Times:

While women make up 14 percent of Army personnel, 46 percent of those discharged under the policy last year were women. And while 20 percent of Air Force personnel are women, 49 percent of its discharges under the policy last year were women.

As Aubrey Sarvis, the executive director of the SLDN, notes, “Women make up 15 percent of the armed forces, so to find they represent nearly 50 percent of Army and Air Force discharges under ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ is shocking.”

The Pentagon hasn’t offered an explanation for the increase in discharges of lesbian military personnel, but I have to wonder: could this be the start of the Tasha effect?

Another Politician Has Another Gay Kid

The 18-year-old daughter of Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick came out in Bay Windows, a New England-based GLBT newspaper, today. Katherine Patrick, who will attend Smith College in the fall, was interviewed with her father, a longtime champion of gay rights, and her mother, Diane. Rather adorably, the governor got teary-eyed when his daughter praised his successful effort to defeat a proposed anti-gay marriage amendment to theMassachusetts Constitutionin 2007. Katherine also noted, of her initial coming out to her parents, that “the first thing my dad did was, [he] wrapped me in a bear hug and said, ‘Well, we love you no matter what.'” Which reminds me of my own coming out, if I might digress.

It was a muggy night in August, just weeks before my senior year of high school was about to start,and I was alone with my parents. (That isn’t something that happens very often when you have three siblings.) I’m not sure how the conversation came about, just that I was very nervous. I’m afraid it might have gone something like this:

Mom: So, how ’bout that heat?

Dad: Yeah, it’s really something.

Me: I’m gay! I’m a homosexual! I like girls!

Because sometimes, when I’m anxious about something, I have trouble following conversations. (I also have trouble following conversations even when I’m not anxious about anything, but that’s not your problem now, is it?) If memory serves, it was quiet for a while. I remember my face feeling red, which tends to happen anytime I talk in front of anybody, and my parents exchanging one of those very parental glances, the kind that lets you know they’ve secretly been discussing this very subject behind your back for weeks or months or possibly years. Then my dad slowly extended his hand, not to pull me into an emotional embrace but to demand the $50 he bet my mom that I was a big ‘mo.

Anyway, read the interview with the Patrick family. They all sound very cool.

Perez Hilton and Selective Outing

Bass originally approached People about coming out as Anne Murray.

In a vlog entry posted on his website yesterday, gossip guru Perez Hilton made some observations about the way the media treats the practice of outing queer celebrities that I thought bore repeating. If you want to watch the video yourself, the topic comes up around the 1:52 mark. If you’d rather read his remarks, I’ve transcribed them below:

The last thing I wanted to talk about today was something that I’ve really been thinking about recently. You know, a couple years ago I got so much crap, and I still get so much crap from people and the media for quote-unquote ‘outing’ celebrities.

Two years ago, I reported about Lance Bass’s secret relationship with his then-boyfriend, douchebag Reichen. I reported on the trips they would take together, I reported on the dates they would go on, I reported on the fights they would get into. All of this before Lance Bass officially came out of the closet — and helped his career by coming out, because he had no career before he came out.

Anywho, I got criticized so much for that, for reporting what I knew to be true. Well, I find it really interesting that the same thing is happening now, only it’s the mainstream media doing the outing. The mainstream media nowadays is reporting about Samantha Ronson’s alleged, reported lesbian relationship with Lindsay Lohan. And no one is calling them out on the outing. They’re not even using the word outing, they’re using the word reporting.

I don’t know if that makes me upset or it makes me happy, because I think actually it makes me happy that they’re treating them the same, and it’s to me a sign of equality. But also maybe it’s not.

Maybe it’s a sign of inequality. Maybe gay men and lesbians or bisexual women or Lindsay Lohan is held to different standards. Maybe it’s okay for Lindsay to be experimenting but for a guy, it could potentially be damaging to his career.

Like everybody still freaks out when I say Wentworth Miller is gay. Well, Wentworth Miller, star of Prison Break, is a homosexual. Yes, Wentworth Miller likes to suck cock. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Lindsay Lohan reportedly loves to eat pussy, and there’s nothing wrong with that, either.

What’s so interesting is even a ‘safe’ media outlet like People magazine who loves to play it safe reported in their most recent issue that Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan are, quote, ‘definitely together.’ People magazine is saying that Lindsay and Samantha are ‘definitely together.’

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that ‘definitely together’ means they’re in a relationship, they’re dating. People magazine outed Lindsay Lohan. How come nobody is calling them out on it? I don’t know. Or should they, should they not? Is the fact that no one is calling them out on it a good thing? I don’t know.

I’m not going to write a treatise on the ethics of outing, or what constitutes an outing, or anything like that. For one thing, I need to conserve my energy since I have a long day of tennis-viewing ahead of me. (It really wears you out watching other people run around like that.) For another, I’m lazy even when not in energy conservation mode. But I will suggest that celebrities like Bass and Lohan effectively out themselves when they don’t attempt to hide their same-sex relationships, which is why I take exception to the argument favored by Hilton’s critics that his so-called outing campaigns are tantamount to some kind of a gay witch hunt.

And to briefly touch on Hilton’s question of whether there’s a gender-driven double standard at work in how the media goes about outing celebrities, I think he’s right to a certain (possibly large) extent. However, it’s reductive to simply call it a discomfort-with-male-sexuality issue. In reality, there are all kinds of gender politics at work, from the way society has a tendency to be utterly dismissive of lesbianism and female bisexuality to the way celebrity-obsessed magazines and tabloid TV shows so aggressively exploit women in general and young women like Lohan in particular.

Your Sunday Dose of Insane Homophobia

“We could teach those Zimbabweans a thing or two about lesbian parenting.”

A lesbian couple in Bulawayo, the second largest city in Zimbabwe, have announced they’re expecting a child conceived via artificial insemination. Zimbabwe, as you probably know, is not a particularly gay-friendly country; two years ago, their government passed legislation making it illegal for gay couples to hold hands or even hug. President Robert Mugabe, who chooses to believe that homosexuality doesn’t exist in the animal kingdom, has gone on record as saying that gays are “worse than dogs or pigs.” (Clearly he has never met my parents’ dog, who couldn’t be more bisexual if he were a character in Velvet Goldmine.)

Given Zimbabwe’s charming national history of institutionalized homophobia, this article condemning the happy couple shouldn’t come as any surprise, but I still found myself taken aback by the harsh language used by journalist Sithabisiwe Mathema, who refers to the pregnancy as an “uncanny and bizarre incident” perpetrated by the “seemingly conscienceless” lesbian couple, who traveled to South Africa for the procedure.

Mathema describes artificial insemination as a process “commonly used for animal breeding purposes,” neglecting to point out that it’s widely used by heterosexual humans as well, and strangely posits that it “stands to be seen” how a lesbian couple will be able to raise a child, nonsensically adding that, “like other children the baby will have to call one of them father and the other mother.”

As for the lengthy and completely bizarre comments offered by Aaron Ndlovu, who lives in the same flat as the expectant couple and apparently considers himself some kind of scientist (the kind who is completely fucking stupid), I’ll let you to discover those gems on your own and leave you with the words of Melissa Jacobs, the woman whose pregnancy inspired all this vitriol: “We are so enthralled about the birth of our son. We feel so proud even though people look at us disdainfully — they do not understand that even though we are ‘faggots’ as they call us, we also want to fulfill dreams of also raising a family to carry on our name.”

Congratulations to Melissa and her partner.

The Week in Gayness

Woody Allen is no stranger to threesomes

Monday: Australia, despite being home to the Minogue sisters and that queen from Savage Garden, can’t get its act together when it comes to legally protecting their gay and lesbian citizens. (Who do they think they are, the United States?) While Americans spent the week passing judgment on the teenage spawn of that guy with a mullet who sang “Achy Breaky Heart” and eagerly awaiting the release of Iron Man, Australians spent it having the same old argument about civil unions versus gay marriage. Meanwhile, proposed changes in the law will come too late for those who were already denied pension benefits after losing their partners.

Tuesday: Woody Allen confirmed what every Woody Allen fan already knew by saying the hype over the “extremely erotic” Penélope Cruz/Scarlett Johansson action in the upcoming Vicky Cristina Barcelona is just that: hype. As he told Entertainment Weekly: “Because it was Penélope and Scarlett and Javier, it got out that there was torrid sex in the picture. People who come and expect those exaggerations are going to be disappointed.” But we’ll always have our imaginations. And Photoshop. Don’t forget Photoshop.

Michelle Rodriguez: Still Comfy in the Closet, But Thanks for Asking

“Why did Ruth have to die? Why?!”

Ever mindful of my health and concerned for my personal safety, I want to begin this post by making something perfectly clear: I, Cranky Lesbian, have nothing against Michelle Rodriguez. As far as I can tell, she’s a passable actress. She was an engaging presence in Girlfight, and I remember reading that she tried to turn her court-ordered ankle bracelet into a fashion accessory, which shows she has a sense of humor. In fact, I like Michelle Rodriguez so much that I’m going to stand up for her right now and say that the time she was busted for driving under the influence — I think it was bullshit. That’s right, bullshit.

As you can see from her mugshot, she doesn’t look wasted. Rather, she looks upset but slightly hopeful, like she might break into song (maybe “Tomorrow” from Annie) at any moment. I would bet anything she hadn’t been drinking or smoking pot or whatever it was she’d supposedly been doing just prior to her arrest. I strongly suspect that what happened was she’d just caught the tail end of Fried Green Tomatoes on USA and was crying at Idgie’s inability to accept Ruth’s death. She was distraught, obviously — Mary Stuart Masterson played the hell out of that deathbed scene — but at the same time she felt inspired knowing that Ruth’s memory would live on in the hearts of all who loved her.

I’m telling you, I know I’m right. You can see it in her face, how she’s thinking about little one-armed Buddy playing catch while Ruth looks down lovingly from her cloud-perch in heaven. She’s thinking to herself, “So what if this is a bum rap? Life goes on. Sipsey keeps on cooking and Idgie moves to Los Angeles, where she opens a bookstore and lives with her cousin Spence. I’ll make it through this. If I could read the entire BloodRayne script, I can make it through anything.”

I wanted to get all of that out of the way, to formally establish myself as a Rodriguez supporter, before addressing comments the actress recently made to Latina magazine about rumors that she’s the lezziest lez to ever have lezzed — since the invention of the Internet, at least. You see, Rodriguez, when asked about the bloggers (cough, Perez Hilton, cough) who out her once or twice a month, generously replied, “I picture them turning into pigs, slime coming out the side of their mouth, and I picture them jerking off.”

That comment I’m going to let pass, because the woman is obviously in mental anguish if she’s picturing bloggers masturbating. It’s the rest of her quote I find interesting, because she continued, “I don’t answer those questions. I just keep it to myself and it’s nobody’s business. If I wanna fuck a girl, a boy, a dog — that’s my business. That’s why there’s bathroom doors.”

So, yeah. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Bathroom doors? It’s like she’s trying to out herself when she says stuff like that. The gays, that’s what we’re famous for — the bathroom sex. Oh, sure, the unwashed heterosexual masses might labor under the illusion that it’s the guys who have all the restroomy fun, with their wide stances and impromptu George Michael concerts and all, but check out any season of The L Word and if you can make it through all the cringe-inducing hackery and general insipidness, you’ll see that the non-germaphobic lady-lovin’ ladies out there know their way around a bathroom stall as well.

If you’re going to grab a same-sex partner and go at it in public (and it’s not like I’m coming right out and calling Michelle Rodriguez gay or anything — there’s no slime coming out of my mouth — but she doesn’t strike me as someone who is diametrically opposed to going at it in public), there’s no better place to get away with it than a bathroom. Well, that or a Linens ‘n Things, because I understand people don’t go there anymore.

Note to Michelle: If you don’t want people to speculate about your sexuality, think before you talk! And please, please don’t beat me up for saying that. I’m short and frail and terribly uncoordinated. It’s doubtful I could throw a punch. Picking on me would be like picking on a third grader. Anyway, I watched three-fourths of Blue Crush one night on Starz, so I think you’ll agree you owe me a pass on this one.

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