Recently, for reasons best left between me and the God of your choice (Bea Arthur works for me), I made a major life decision to watch all five seasons of Charlie’s Angels in its entirety.
My familiarity with Angels was so scant that I had few expectations, but one thing I wasn’t prepared for was the grossness of Charlie himself. Okay, sure, the show’s reputation for having an “LOL, boners” sensibility preceded it (everyone’s heard of “jiggle TV”), but who would expect a speakerphone to be pervy?
Charlie is essentially a pimp. Voiced by John Forsythe, who would later re-team with producer Aaron Spelling for Dynasty, he’s a mysterious but powerful figure who is unseen by the Angels, advising them via conference calls. The owner of a private detective agency, Charlie poaches attractive women from the police force and plunges them into dangerous, potentially life-threatening situations while he relaxes in swimming pools and hot tubs or hits the slopes.
Wherever Charlie goes, young women throw themselves at him. His libido is so out of control that he can rarely make it through a two-minute call to the Angels and his right-hand man Bosley without informing them, in so many words, of his imminent erection. I am not an Angel (though I’d be about as proficient as one at karate), and am watching Charlie’s Angels nearly 40 years after it premiered, and frankly I feel sexually harassed sometimes by Charlie.
In the coming weeks I’ll document his innuendo here, so that we might all learn a lesson on how not to treat our employees. In this, the maiden installment of Pervy Shit Charlie Said to His Angels, we will observe the way Charlie ends several of their conversations in the pilot and first episode of season one.
Pilot Perviness
During this exchange, Charlie is floating in a pool. As we’ll soon learn is his custom, he’s being waited on by a young woman who can’t wait to have sex with him. Left unexplained is why Charlie is seemingly incapable of mixing his own drinks.
Jill: And where will you be, Charlie?
Charlie’s angels pilot
Charlie: Where I always am, with my nose to the grindstone. The waters run deep in this case, Angels, and I’m up to my hips right now.
Later in the pilot, Charlie ogles a woman from behind and taps his racquet, so to speak, several times as he contemplates the ace he’s about to serve into her deuce court. By which I mean, sex.
Bosley: We can roll as soon as you get the equipment here.
Charlie: Don’t have to worry about my end, Bosley. I’m looking at some of the equipment right now, and believe me, it’s ready to move.
charlie’s angels pilot
Case solved! That’s right, all three Angels risked their safety to bring criminal mastermind Bo Hopkins to justice (Hopkins, with his tousled hair, perennially confused expression and dazed manner of speaking, haunts my life like an Arlen melody), so it’s time for… Charlie to keep relaxing.
Charlie: Well, that’s it until next time. Now I’d better get back to the job at hand.
Jill: What’s that, Charlie?
Charlie: Same old thing. Burning the midnight oil. Bearing down on our next case. And believe me, it’s a real scorcher.
charlie’s angels, pilot
Season 1, Episode 1: “Hellride”
In “Hellride,” the first episode of the first season, Charlie pervs out with reckless abandon. In fact, his opening exchange with the Angels is so over-the-top that as you can see below, Sabrina couldn’t believe what she was hearing.
Throughout the call, Charlie groans. The Angels grow concerned.
Jill: Charlie, are you in pain?
Charlie: It’s my sacro–Kelly: Pardon?
Charlie: –illiac. Lower lumbago. Very stiff.
Jill: Well that’s too bad, Charlie. Just how did you hurt your back?
Charlie: The crushing weight of responsibility, Angel. But I think it will just be a matter of some deft manipulation before I’ll be standing as erect as ever.
charlie’s angels: hellride
Fortunately, that’s the last Charlie tells us of his sac, but at the conclusion of this racing-centric episode (I suggest listening to Cher’s “Hell on Wheels” in its honor), Bosley presents Sabrina with a gift from Charlie.
Charlie: You’ll note the sentiment behind the inscription, I’m sure.
Jill (reads): To Sabrina, the hottest number on wheels. Love, Charlie.
Sabrina: Well, thank you, Charlie. And if you ever put forth a championship effort at anything, you make sure to let me know so I can send you a trophy.
charlie’s angels: hellride
“Not a bad idea, Sabrina,” Charlie replies, “I’ll start working on it.” Here he lowers his voice to a pervy tone as the Angels roll their eyes, and as an orgy’s about to commence, he adds, “Right away.”
Gross.
UPDATE: You can find Part 2 of this series, posted on an eight-year delay (!), here.
Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.
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