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Kate Jackson in *The Cold Heart of a Killer*.

Whether she’s skeet-shooting, serving time, pledging her allegiance to Satan, getting swarmed by bees or shacking up with a teenage student, Kate Jackson always looks effortlessly cool. And as an Iditarod hopeful in The Cold Heart of a Killer (1996), she’s practically frozen. While her Charlie’s Angels costars sang Christmas carols and helped save Santa and his elves from certain death, as we’ve explored in recent weeks, Jackson never made a holiday telefilm. But her springtime race across the snowy, windswept Alaskan wild will make you shiver, and it’s not just the subzero temperatures that are deadly—there’s also a killer on the loose.

Jessie Arnold (Jackson, also executive producing) is a former sled-dog musher whose competitive career ended five years earlier, when she narrowly escaped death in a savage storm. Since then she’s become one of the state’s premier dog breeders, developing a new breed of Huskies for racing purposes. Her pack is poised to make its Iditarod debut with her newly sober brother, Robbie Pierce (Philip Granger). When he’s lured to his death by a shadowy figure, Jessie has no choice but to enter the race, competing not only as a tribute to Robbie but because she’ll lose both her kennel operation and custody of son Matthew (Kevin Zegers) if she doesn’t bring home the $50,000 grand prize.

Holiday Blu-ray Haul

By Cranky Lesbian

On December 16, 2022

In Home Video

Thanks for hanging in there while I’ve been busy with a family situation. Next week I’ll return with some new reviews.

We live in an increasingly digital world, but one of my enduring traditions is to set aside a little cash each month so I can splurge on physical media, particularly DVDs and Blu-rays, during holiday sales. Here’s my 2022 haul, which was split between Kino Lorber Classics and Vinegar Syndrome.

From Kino Lorber I purchased Blu-ray editions of Andrei Tarkovsky’s The Sacrifice; Marcel Carné’s Port of Shadows; James Ivory’s adaptation of E.M. Forster’s gay classic Maurice (which currently streams on Tubi); Bertrand Tavernier’s The Clockmaker of St. Paul; and The Films of Maurice Pialat: Volume 1, which collects the French auteur’s Loulou, The Mouth Agape and Graduate First.

My selections from the catalogs of Vinegar Syndrome and its partner labels included Paul Schrader’s Patty Hearst (also on Tubi) and a slew of LGBTQ+ titles: the Canadian documentary Forbidden Love: The Unashamed Stories of Lesbian Lives; Saturday Night at the Baths; What Really Happened to Baby Jane? And the Films of the Gay Girls Riding Club; Two Films by Arthur J. Bressan, Jr. (Passing Strangers and Forbidden Letters); Equation to an Unknown; and L.A. Plays Itself: The Fred Halsted Collection.

With the exception of Patty Hearst, the Vinegar Syndrome titles generally aren’t the sort I’ll rewatch, unlike the Kino Lorber releases. But I’m pleased to help support the preservation of forgotten and overlooked gay and lesbian cinema in some small way. And I was particularly tickled to find Halsted represented. An iconoclastic gay pornographer and enthusiastic sadist, his pioneering early works were acquired by the Museum of Modern Art. After viewing one of his films, Salvador Dalí allegedly muttered “new information for me,” a commentary I hope to one day echo in a review of a Lifetime movie.

I have no connection to Kino Lorber or Vinegar Syndrome and earn no commissions from purchases made at either site. Prices are higher now, post-sale, but if you monitor Kino Lorber’s website you can periodically score great films for $10 (or less) apiece.

Jaclyn Smith Believes in Santa in The Night They Saved Christmas

By Cranky Lesbian

On December 9, 2022

In TV Movies

Jaclyn Smith with her brood in *The Night They Saved Christmas*.

There is no greater ’80s holiday fantasy movie than A Smoky Mountain Christmas (1986), with its savory squirrel stew blend of witchcraft, fairy tales, backwoods orphans, country music stardom and poisoned maybe-lesbian pies. But once you’ve completed your annual viewing of that Dolly Parton classic, you might consider checking out The Night They Saved Christmas (1984), another family-oriented telefilm that will leave you staring at the screen in confusion, murmuring “What the jingle hell is this?”

Nearly as bad as Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, it essentially hinges on whether an oil company will slaughter Santa and his elves (who number in the thousands) for a shot at greater riches. But there’s so much more to it than that, nearly all of it bleak and depressing. The Night They Saved Christmas doesn’t only inspire ’80s nostalgia because of its sophisticated robot toys, parents on the verge of divorce, fashionable winter jumpers and references to Saudi involvement in American oil. It’s also a heartwarming reminder of our constant proximity to ruthless annihilation in the waning years of the Cold War.

Luke Macfarlane Romances Candace Cameron Bure in A Shoe Addict’s Christmas

By Cranky Lesbian

On December 2, 2022

In TV Movies

Luke Macfarlane and Candace Cameron Bure in *A Shoe Addict’s Christmas*.

It seems like only yesterday that I sexually harassed Luke Macfarlane on this very site, but it was in fact almost 15 years ago. How time flies! Since then, Macfarlane has continued to work steadily as an actor despite fears that coming out would hinder his career. His heartthrob status is reflected not only in his popularity among Hallmark viewers but in his recent high-profile gig as Billy Eichner’s leading man in Bros (now streaming on Peacock or Amazon), which billed itself as a landmark gay film but may ultimately be remembered for a sanctimonious publicity strategy that was unpersuasive to theatergoers.

I respect Macfarlane for coming out when he did and was disappointed for him that Bros was upstaged by its own hype. Since I’m reviewing holiday telefilms at the moment, I decided to look into his Hallmark catalogue and quickly hit upon A Shoe Addict’s Christmas (2018). It stuck out for several reasons, including Jean Smart’s third billing in the cast and its ridiculous title. But what really commanded my attention was the identity of his love interest. Macfarlane was paired with… Candace Cameron Bure (No One Would Tell). Bure needs no introduction to gay (and gay-friendly) audiences, so I’ll assume we’re on the same page about why this seemed worth investigating. Let’s reluctantly bypass the “Which one’s the shoe addict?” jokes and get down to business.

Going Visible for Crohn’s & Colitis Awareness Week

By Cranky Lesbian

On December 1, 2022

In Oh No!

Counterclockwise from top right: Sick, another bad scope, close to remission. 2017-2018. (*Forehead glare from webcam’s flash.)

Today kicks off Crohn’s & Colitis Awareness Week. Some of you already know that I’ve had inflammatory bowel disease since early childhood and that it follows me through adulthood like an unwanted intestinal Drop Dead Fred. Awareness-raising is a nebulous concept to me because I’m never not personally aware of IBD, which is sometimes irritating. We’re always together, I can’t shake it.

If I don’t want to hear about it, even after all the years we’ve spent bound to each other, why would anyone else be interested? The thought of a week’s worth of dedicated conversation around inflammatory bowel disease reminds me of the scene from Rear Window when Grace Kelly says “Today’s a very special day.” And Jimmy Stewart’s curmudgeon replies, “It’s just another run-of-the-mill Wednesday. The calendar’s full of ’em.”

I struggle with whether cases like mine are even good for raising awareness. Most patients won’t get sick as toddlers. They won’t experience blood loss as severe, or prolonged hypokalemia, or pick up life-threatening infections while hospitalized and immunosuppressed. Some patients, usually those with ulcerative colitis (my original diagnosis, later changed to Crohn’s), respond wonderfully to the same surgeries I had and essentially consider themselves “cured.” For others it’s a lifelong burden. Whose stories would new patients and their families rather hear?

Leave Holiday Baggage on the Luggage Carousel

By Cranky Lesbian

On November 30, 2022

In TV Movies

Cheryl Ladd tends to Barry Bostwick in *Holiday Baggage*.

Inspirational only on the basis of its sprawling incoherence, Holiday Baggage is a film so invested in the idea of reconciliation that it doesn’t bother to evaluate why, or even if, its family should stay together. Trading jingle bells for warning bells as early as its opening credits—when director Stephen Polk’s name appears at least five times within 90 seconds—this is a festive tale that makes you wish divorce decrees could be stuffed in Christmas stockings alongside candy canes and Bonne Bell Lip Smackers.

Irrepressible scoundrel Pete Murphy (Barry Bostwick), a pilot, charted a course away from his family a decade ago, preferring flings with flight attendants in tropical locales to life with pediatrician Sarah (Cheryl Ladd) and their children in Chicago. Newly retired and eager to remarry, he is finally ready to formalize his divorce from Sarah, who agrees on the condition he reconcile with their daughters. That is easier said than done, partly because Pete has gone to such great lengths to insulate himself from the consequences of his actions that his body rejects the very concept of personal accountability.

Dolly Parton Decks the Halls in Unlikely Angel

By Cranky Lesbian

On November 28, 2022

In TV Movies

Dolly Parton and Roddy McDowall plot her salvation in *Unlikely Angel*.

Even if you aren’t the type of Dolly Parton fan who finds A Smoky Mountain Christmas’s lesbian subtext to be as bountiful as the beloved entertainer’s talent—or other assets—you are likely to derive some amusement from Roddy McDowall (who last we saw in Flood!) sternly lecturing her about resisting “affection for the opposite sex,” as he puts it, in Unlikely Angel. That he does so as a slightly bitchy Saint Peter makes it all the better.

The two meet at the pearly gates after Parton’s bar singer, Ruby Diamond (“everybody says I’m a gem!”), dies in a car crash. Peter notes with some concern that Ruby was, overall, less than virtuous. Consulting his book, he elaborates: “All your life, you have done exactly as you wanted, gone where you wanted, said what you wanted. You have never thought of anyone else but yourself.” She doesn’t dispute this, nor is she shocked to learn that Uncle Clem hasn’t joined her mother and the rest of their family in heaven.

Peter offers her a chance to redeem herself by healing a grief-stricken family in the week leading up to Christmas. Ben Bartilson (Brian Kerwin, who I’ve loved since Torch Song Trilogy) has drifted apart from his children after the tragic death of his wife, devoting all of his energy to work. Young Sarah (played by future sex cult leader Allison Mack) and Matthew (Eli Marienthal) spend a lot of time alone, when they aren’t scaring off a string of nannies. Ruby’s deposited on their doorstep with little more than a suitcase, a guitar and an aw-shucks smile.

Christmas at the Ranch: Cowgirl, Take Her Away

By Cranky Lesbian

On November 25, 2022

In Streaming Movies

Laur Allen and Amanda Righetti in *Christmas at the Ranch*.

There has never been a believable cowboy in a made-for-TV Christmas romcom. Wearing clothing that’s curiously clean and unwrinkled at the end of the day, their faces caked in makeup, these down-home characters with chiseled jaws model looks that were cheaply assembled in the aisles of Kohl’s. Christmas at the Ranch, a lesbian take on Hallmark and Lifetime’s seasonal offerings, strikes a blow for equality by treating Amanda Righetti’s rancher, Kate, no differently.

The rebellious daughter of wealthy Kentucky horse breeders, Kate has toiled for several years at Hollis Hills, a farm on the verge of bankruptcy after Meemaw Hollis (Lindsay Wagner) refinanced it under usurious terms to pay the medical expenses of her now-deceased husband. Meemaw and grandson Charles (Archie Kao) make such a big to-do about Kate repairing a fencepost on her own—a task less arduous than assembling a baby gate or IKEA shelving—that it’s easy to see why the farm is insolvent. Everyone’s too busy bringing each other warm beverages and exaggeratedly tipping their hats to actually work.

Happy Thanksgiving

By Cranky Lesbian

On November 24, 2022

In Bad Decisions

Does anyone else have trouble with expressions like “turkey time” and “gobble, gobble” because of Gigli? In that 2003 mega-flop, Jennifer Lopez plays a lesbian who uses turkey terminology before engaging in sexual congress (of a decidedly non-lesbian variety) with Ben Affleck. Class action lawsuits never surfaced, but some viewers were left with lingering cases of GTSD—Gigli-traumatic stress disorder.

Writer-director Martin Brest’s career was a casualty of the film’s disastrous performance, but Lopez and Affleck retained theirs, if not their high-profile romance, which fizzled shortly thereafter. Last year, the two rekindled their relationship. And while I’m generally a sucker for a good reunion, I’ll admit to harboring fears about whether they nostalgically recreate that Gigli scene on this most beloved of secular holidays, seeing as their pants are probably already unbuckled after dinner.

With that, and with lasting gratitude for a sexual history (thus far) unblemished by poultry references, I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. I hope there’s an abundance of wonderful things in your lives for which you’re grateful.

Thanksgiving Day: Mary Tyler Moore and Tony Curtis Serve a Turkey

By Cranky Lesbian

On November 22, 2022

In TV Movies

Mary Tyler Moore spanks Jonathon Brandmeier in *Thanksgiving Day*.

Readers, I’m going to ask you to sit down before we continue any discussion of Thanksgiving Day (1990), because I’m about to say something that might upset anyone with lingering nightmares about Just Between Friends (1986). It’s as difficult to break this news as it is to receive it: Mary Tyler Moore wears a pink spandex leotard in this one, too. Not only that, we’re subjected to lingering shots of her scantily-clad tap dancing skills in lieu of excessive aerobics instruction. Scream and cry and hug Judd Hirsch about it, and then we’ll move on.

Even without those godforsaken leotards, you have to approach Thanksgiving Day with realistic expectations. NBC billed it as “the most unusual holiday movie ever” for a reason—it’s a big ol’ frozen turkey. Performed in the screwball style of Rue McClanahan’s Children of the Bride (1990), but without its pathos or crooked charm, we are left with little more than Moore’s exhibitionism and repeated gags about serving roast beef on Thanksgiving. Oh, and there’s a lesbian. Except, American television being what it was in the early ’90s, Moore’s daughter isn’t really a lesbian. She ends up with… Sonny Bono.