If you’re going to assault someone in a bar,
do it through terrible dialogue and not physical violence.

Take a look at this lede and tell me if you can guess the rest of the story:

A WOMAN who smashed a glass into a fellow customer’s face at a pub after he allegedly called her a lesbian will learn her fate later this month.

No, no, Michelle Rodriguez didn’t meet up with Perez Hilton somewhere in the UK and exact revenge for all the times he has scrawled “I Heart Pussy” over her picture. And the woman in question wasn’t Valerie Singelton, finally blowing her stack when someone mentioned Joan Armatrading for the twelve hundredth time. This nasty bit of violence was perpetrated by Laura Elizabeth Betton against Mark Joce, a man she’d known for several years and been friendly with until he accused her of meddling in his relationship with his fiancée.

Here is what really happened at the pub that night:

Mr Joce, aged 30, of Llanelli’s Biddulph estate, said he believed Betton had spread rumours that he had been seeing other women behind his fiancee’s back when he had not been.

Trouble flared when he was sitting in The Golfers on April 30 and Betton was nearby with a woman friend.

Questioned by prosecutor Mark Spackman, Mr Joce said that when the two women asked to speak to him, he told them he did not want to speak to them.

He admitted calling Betton a “home-wrecker” but denied describing her as a lesbian.

The glass attack by Betton left him needing eight stitches in a gash to his left temple, he said. It had also left him with a constant twitch.

My question: Are we sure Betton and Joce aren’t both lesbians? ‘Cause that episode has dyke drama written all over it.