The only thing you absolutely need to know about Confessions of a Go-Go Girl, a 2008 Lifetime movie, is “fresh cutlets.” When the titular character’s debut dance at an upscale gentlemen’s club is unwittingly crashed by her father, brother and boyfriend (shades of The Ultimate Lie), her dad tersely tells her this: “I have brought clients here before! Do you know what they call the new girls? Fresh cutlets.” You’ll never glance at another supermarket circular without remembering that moment.
When I first stumbled upon this title on the official Lifetime YouTube channel, I assumed it was a Jane Wiedlin or Belinda Carlisle biopic. A cursory investigation revealed that it was, in fact, about a go-go dancer. Jane McCoy (Chelsea Hobbs), a recent college grad, has caught the acting bug. Her prim and proper parents are aghast to learn she’s scrapped her law school school plans in favor of an acting program.
When they announce she’s on her own for tuition, she reacts like a spoiled child. “You pay Jamie’s tuition!” Jane argues. But it’s her mother’s vehement response that cracked me up: “Your brother is getting his master’s. He’s going to be a psychologist.” If they’re such strivers and taskmasters, why isn’t Jamie pursuing a PhD? His snobby mother will faint when she realizes the limitations on his practice scope and earning potential.
Jane meets Angela (Sarah Carter) in the hallway at school, where Angela’s trying to drum up business for her photographer boyfriend. “If you wanna work, you need something like this,” she says, handing her a headshot. “I just booked another music video this morning.” When Jane says she can’t afford it, Angela replies “I understand. But if you wanna work and make money, you need to invest. Give him a call.” Yeah, kids! First taste is free!
Charismatic Angela comes off as part-pimp, part MLM #girlboss, and sure enough, she soon recruits Jane into her downline — as a go-go dancer. Working for benevolent club owner Nick (Corben Bernsen) allows Jane to cover her tuition. Her fresh-faced look is a hit with patrons, helping her amass a stable of “regulars” — smitten, income-boosting fans. And she does it all while wearing plain white underwear and a wig from QVC’s Witness Protection Program collection.
As Jane’s friendship with Angela deepens, they become roommates. At first, her naïveté is almost endearing. “You must have done a lot of music videos,” she says of the $42k in cash Angela keeps at the apartment. She’s equally oblivious to the excessive sniffing and nose-rubbing of her pal and that deadbeat photographer boyfriend. But Jane wises up soon enough.
Emboldened by her acting instructor’s assignment to explore new identities, she throws herself into her secret new profession, adopting the stage name Dylan. (“Dylan. A guy’s name,” Nick says, mulling it over. “That’s sexy.” The way Bernsen paused, really giving it thought, greatly amused me.) Backstage, we meet veteran Donna (Rachel Hunter), a single mom. She’s been in the game for 13 years and supplements her income as a seamstress for other dancers.
If you were expecting a Cristal Connors turn, as I was, you’re in for a surprise. Donna’s a den mother who stresses the importance of pacing oneself and maintaining professionalism. While there’s no discussion of dog food or Versace, she offers this gem: “I mean, one of my regulars is a podiatrist. And he gives me an orthotic. I mean, just because I have go-go toes.” Hunter is, unexpectedly, a highlight of the movie as a nurturer eager to help Jane succeed academically and onstage.
Meanwhile, tensions between Jane and Angela inevitably flare as Dylan’s popularity skyrockets and she’s given the club’s most desirable shifts. Jane also fits in a headshot session with Angela’s loutish boyfriend, who does his best “très jolie, Coco” act but manages not to assault anyone. Burning the candle at both ends between school and work, and increasingly erratic and confrontational due in part to Angela’s influence, Jane soon experiences the requisite humbling due any TV movie heroine who gets too big for her (skimpy) britches.
Her recovery is speedier than that of poor Angela, the cautionary tale who meets an ending you see coming a mile away (that nevertheless makes you cackle). Hobbs is dutifully wide-eyed or defiant, depending on what the scene calls for, but isn’t given much of a character to play. Travis Milne faces a similar plight as the law school boyfriend unaware of Jane’s new career.
Their tasks are among Confessions‘ most thankless. It’s Bernsen, Hunter, and a flinty Carter who saunter away with the most cash in their metaphorical g-strings. And it’s Angela who delivers the only (non-cutlets) line in the screenplay that one can’t help but ponder: “The health inspector’s really big on nipple coverage, go figure.”
Streaming and DVD availability
Confessions of a Go-Go Girl hasn’t been released on DVD; the overpriced “ultra rare” copies on eBay are bootlegs. You can stream it through Lifetime’s Movie Club on Amazon, which comes with a free trial. It’s also currently available on YouTube, but I’m not sure if it’ll stay there permanently.
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… But wait, there’s more!
You can’t discuss Rachel Hunter and go-go dancing without talking about “Stacy’s Mom” (YouTube video at link). In the early aughts, I was a big Fountains of Wayne fan. The first time I saw the “Stacy’s Mom” music video was in my parents’ living room. While our youngest siblings laughed at its silliness, my straight brother and I, 19 and 20, may have temporarily stopped breathing, though we ultimately survived. If you aren’t familiar with it, check it out, and you’ll see why the Go-Go gig was perfect casting.
Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.
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