Look what the homosexuals have done to me!

Category: Uncategorized Page 6 of 16

I’ve Had It With These Motherfucking Homophobes on This Motherfucking Plane!

“Joseph Smith could have dozens of wives and Sulu can’t have one fucking husband? What kind of bullshit is that?”

The only thing missing from this great No on Proposition 8 ad narrated by Samuel L. Jackson is a few well-placed f-bombs. Imagine how majestic it would sound with just the slightest of script revisions:

“It wasn’t that long ago that discrimination was legal in California. Japanese Americans were confined in internment camps. Armenians couldn’t buy a house in the Central Valley. Latinos and African Americans were told who they could and could not marry. It was a sorry time in our history. Today, the sponsors of Prop 8 want to eliminate fundamental rights. We have an obligation to pass along to our children a more tolerant, more decent society. Vote fucking No on Prop fucking 8. It’s unfair and it’s wrong, motherfuckers.”

There is still time to volunteer for and donate to No on Proposition 8. I’ve already forked over my money and harassed other people to do the same with theirs. The Mormon hate machine must be stopped. And if I could single out all of you California homos who are reading this — I’ve examined my Google Analytics and see your San Francisco and West Hollywood asses out there — I hope you’re doing your part. You don’t want the friggin’ Osmonds telling you who you can marry, do you?

Don’t Ever Call This Woman a Lesbian

If you’re going to assault someone in a bar,
do it through terrible dialogue and not physical violence.

Take a look at this lede and tell me if you can guess the rest of the story:

A WOMAN who smashed a glass into a fellow customer’s face at a pub after he allegedly called her a lesbian will learn her fate later this month.

No, no, Michelle Rodriguez didn’t meet up with Perez Hilton somewhere in the UK and exact revenge for all the times he has scrawled “I Heart Pussy” over her picture. And the woman in question wasn’t Valerie Singelton, finally blowing her stack when someone mentioned Joan Armatrading for the twelve hundredth time. This nasty bit of violence was perpetrated by Laura Elizabeth Betton against Mark Joce, a man she’d known for several years and been friendly with until he accused her of meddling in his relationship with his fiancée.

Here is what really happened at the pub that night:

Mr Joce, aged 30, of Llanelli’s Biddulph estate, said he believed Betton had spread rumours that he had been seeing other women behind his fiancee’s back when he had not been.

Trouble flared when he was sitting in The Golfers on April 30 and Betton was nearby with a woman friend.

Questioned by prosecutor Mark Spackman, Mr Joce said that when the two women asked to speak to him, he told them he did not want to speak to them.

He admitted calling Betton a “home-wrecker” but denied describing her as a lesbian.

The glass attack by Betton left him needing eight stitches in a gash to his left temple, he said. It had also left him with a constant twitch.

My question: Are we sure Betton and Joce aren’t both lesbians? ‘Cause that episode has dyke drama written all over it.

Kit Bond: Vote for the Guy Who Isn’t Compassionate

Touched by a convicted felon’s rendition of Lionel Richie’s “Hello,” judges Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson gave the man a reduced sentence.

Kit Bond, the Missouri Senator who I believe was recently played by Abigail Breslin in Patricia Rozema’s An American Girl movie, gave a rousing speech in Cape Girardeau today urging voters to support John “At Least I Don’t Plaster on the Makeup Like a Trollop, You C*nt” McCain. His greatest quote:

“Just this past week, we saw what Barack Obama said about judges. He said, ‘I’m tired of these judges who want to follow what the Founding Fathers said and the Constitution. I want judges who have a heart, have an empathy for the teenage mom, the minority, the gay, the disabled. We want them to show empathy. We want them to show compassion.'”

Oh no, not empathy and compassion! That’s just plain un-American!

The Original Cranky FAQ

NOTE: This FAQ is from 2008. A newer one can be found here.

The answers are every bit as boring as you ever hoped they’d be. If you think something needs to be added, let me know — but remember, I don’t discuss the time I spent in Vietnam.

Why don’t you accept reader comments?

Sometimes people get a little hot under the collar when you call their favorite celebrities gay or criticize them for being closeted, and I’m not particularly interested in providing them with another platform for their endless bitching — they already make themselves heard all over the Internet, and I kind of wanted a place where I could get away from that. A possible solution would be to use a moderated comment system, but I’m not keen on that idea because who am I to judge what someone should or shouldn’t be allowed to say? I do value your opinions and am happy to address your questions or comments via e-mail (my address is listed in my profile).

How much traffic do you get?

More than an isolated country road and less than a Southern California freeway, if that’s any help.

Are you “The Cranky Lesbian” on other websites?

No, it’s a moniker I only use here. I’m sure there are several of us on the Internet — cranky lesbians are a dime a dozen — but I can only take credit for this blog. (I have to say, I kind of shuddered when I wrote that.)

BTW, since this question apparently derives from there having been a “crankylesbian” on Xanga, I’d like to take this opportunity to clarify the following: I am not unemployed, I do not drink Budweiser, I don’t listen to James Blunt or No Doubt, I still have my gallbladder, and my favorite game is Scrabble. I am a Capricorn, though, so that crankylesbian and I do have something in common.

Any chance of you posting a recent photo?

If you were me and you wrote some of the completely ridiculous things that I write, would you want your image associated with it? You can use your imagination: I’m of the short and slight variety, have dark hair (worn long), hazel eyes, and I have always, from the time I was born, looked sleep-deprived, even when I’m well-rested. Altogether, nothing special. You’d pass me in a bookstore without noticing me, and if you did take notice — if my jacket was on fire or something — you probably wouldn’t say anything because I have an “I hate people and want to be left alone” air about me. It’s one of those things I can’t control, like my devastating charm and rapier wit.

Why are some of your posts so incredibly long?

I wish I knew the answer to that.

Do people really ask why your posts are long?

Only people who know me away from the Internet, but I wanted a fifth question — I don’t like even numbers — and was trying to avoid bringing up the one I’m probably asked most often (which kind of defeats the purpose of having an FAQ, but like Norma Shearer in that Mick LaSalle book, I’m a complicated woman), which is “Are you a writer?”

My inability to compose even the shortest of sentences without breaking every rule of punctuation known to man (and probably a few rules that haven’t been invented yet) should answer that for you. But if it doesn’t: Well, exactly.

Pat Buchanan Is Still a Dick, Just in Case You Were Wondering

Even pie dislikes Pat Buchanan.

MSNBC ratings heroine Rachel Maddow’s blustery, bile-spewing fake uncle*, the scary death monster Pat Buchanan, is getting all worked up over John “Sweet Coconut” McCain’s new go-to threesome (replacing longtime favorites Burt Reynolds, Dom DeLuise and Charles Nelson Reilly): Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid.

In fact, Buchanan can’t stop fantasizing about the possibility that should Obama become our next president, the Democratic trio might seductively embrace illegal aliens (that they’re illegal makes them that much sexier) and erotically tease the uninsured with promises of access to affordable health care.

These are some of the awful things Pat wants you to fear from an Obama administration:

Should I Hire Protection?

According to the FBI, hate crimes decreased by 1 percent in 2007. Good news, right? Except for the part where anti-gay hate crimes actually increased by 6 percent. And what about this:

Racially motivated hate crimes accounted for more than half of that total. Religious bias was the second-leading motive for hate crimes, followed by prejudice against sexual orientation.

Within those categories, the FBI report found most hate crimes tended to be anti-black, anti-Jewish and anti-gay.

Egad! Not only am I gay, but as you can see from my photo on the upper right side of this page, I’m also Black. (That photo, by the way, is somewhat out of date. I’ve grown at least two inches since it was taken last year.) Or maybe I’m Jewish. I forget.

Either way, I’m feeling kind of nervous at the moment, and I’m glad I bookmarked this story about female bodyguards a few weeks ago. It might be worth looking into should those anti-gay hate crime numbers increase again in 2008. And who knows, maybe I’d end up with a female version of Kevin Costner (one who doesn’t perform lewd sex acts in front of mortified masseuses while we’re honeymooning in Scotland. That’s so gauche) and find myself singing a passionate rendition of “I Have Nothing” because of her. Or maybe we could scratch that last part, because no one wants to hear me sing. If you had any idea how terrible that sounds, you’d probably pay me not to.

Sex Uncovered Takes a Look at Lesbianism

“For three glorious days, I handed my lover plump strawberries and smoked duck meat…”

This weekend, The Observer, as part of their massive “Sex Uncovered” feature that is all about Britain and sex in the year 2008, published several sex diaries written by people from all walks of life. I had to read the one by Patricia, a 46-year-old lesbian, several times in order to wrap my brain around it. It’s presented in a somewhat choppy style, but I think it’s worth sharing. How often do lesbians get to write about their sex lives in The Observer?

My favorite parts:

My partner and I haven’t used a strap-on, certainly not since we moved from the other flat last year.

I keep going back to this sentence. What does it mean? It’s the “certainly not since we moved” part that really draws you in. It’s so intriguing. What’s so certain about it? Did they leave the strap-on back at the old flat? Did they toss it in with some odds and ends they donated to charity before moving?

Grey’s Anatomy: Now With 40% More Suckiness

On Grey’s Anatomy, saving lives is easier than having lesbian sex.

We have already established that I have not been a regular viewer of Grey’s Anatomy, that ABC show about Patrick Dempsey’s dimples and Eric Dane’s impressive pecs. (It is also, sometimes, about practicing medicine. And I think it might exist in part to drive viewers over to iTunes. That’s one of two possible explanations for why they showcase so much new music so prominently in each episode; the other is that the people who make TV shows have become so lazy — Nip/Tuck was also guilty of this back when I bothered tuning in — that they’d sooner crank up the music at dramatic moments than create big emotional pay-offs themselves. As long as Jeff Buckley’s rendition of “Hallelujah” keeps being licensed to everyone who asks for it, writers will never have to come up with anything deep and meaningful ever again!)

My reasons for not loyally watching Grey’s are simple: I like good writing (which does exist on Grey’s Anatomy, as far as I can tell, just not with a great deal of consistency), and I’m immune to the charms of hunky male doctors in various states of undress. Every time I’ve seen the show, or parts of the show, it has struck me as little more than a pop culture savvy version of a Harlequin novel, filmed in high-definition.

Swedish Lesbians Still Entitled to Puppies (and Kronor)

What does this man have to do with lesbians and puppies?

Remember the Swedish kennel owner who wanted to deprive an adorable puppy of the love of two mommies because she was a giant, unrepentant homophobe? Back in February she’d been ordered by a Stockholm court to pay her lesbian would-be customer damages for discrimination and harassment, a decision she disagreed with and later appealed. Today came word that her appeal was rejected, meaning she has to fork over 20,000 kronor (a little more than $2,500) for being a hateful jerk.

The weirdest part of the story was the kennel owner’s reasoning behind blocking the sale of the puppy: She didn’t want to sell a dog to a gay owner because of issues she had with transvestites, who she thought were involved with animal pornography.

What do lesbians have to do with transvestites? I know a lot of us are Eddie Izzard fans, but beyond that I don’t see much of a connection. And what do transvestites have to do with animal pornography? Everyone knows that transvestites are far too busy taking in old Steve Reeves movies and making a man with blond hair and a tan to get caught up in something as disgusting, and illegal, as that.

Why McCain is McFucked

The wink that launched a thousand starbursts.

Robert Draper’s much-buzzed-about New York Times Magazine article about the chaos behind the scenes at the McCain campaign went live on the Times website this afternoon, my fellow prisoners, and it’s a doozy. Not as explosive as some might have hoped, but still an interesting read. It’s nine pages long, so here’s the abridged version for those of you with compromised attention spans:

This summer, Steve Schmidt, the large, bald man billed as the campaign’s chief strategist, was all, “Aaarrrghhh, we’re losing!” Not in those words, exactly — I’m taking some creative license here — but you get the point. So he got together with his fellow strategists and strategized, as strategists are wont to do. Let’s listen in:

Page 6 of 16

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén