Both Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek lost precious personal photos during vacations abroad over the holidays. Hayek, who’s a new mom, got her laptop stolen, and Cruz’s camera was lost or stolen, according to letters sent out by Hollywood legal giant Marty Singer, warning media outlets not to run the images should they hit the market.
I think what Singer meant by that was “make sure to forward those photos to the Cranky Lesbian as quickly as humanly possible.” The ass-grab shot (which you can see by scrolling here) is getting old. It’s time for something new!
“We could not talk or talk forever and still find things to not talk about.”
If you visited a gay website — well, a non-pornographic one — this week, you probably read about the recent University of San Diego study that suggests gay relationships are healthier than straight relationships. (In related news, John Travolta and Kelly Preston will celebrate their 17th wedding anniversary this year. Congratulations, you crazy kids!)
As Robert-Jay Green, the executive director of the Rockway Institute, summarized, “It all comes down to greater equality in the relationship. Research shows that lesbian and gay couples have a head start in escaping the traditional gender role divisions that make for power imbalances and dissatisfaction in many heterosexual relationships.”
The findings were similar to those published by John Gottman and Robert Levenson in 2003. At the time, Gottman concluded, “The overall implication of this research is that we have to shake off all of the stereotypes of homosexual relationships and have more respect for them as committed relationships. Gays and lesbians may be more competent at having a mature relationship.”
With the Gottman study — and a mostly heterosexual readership — in mind, Time magazine writer John Cloud wants to remind us that gay couples have problems, too. Problems like “crosscurrents of childhood pain, adult expectation and gay-community pathologies like meth addiction.”
This, I admit, confused me as much as the Claymate phenomenon and the plot of The Big Sleep. I mean, I’m as gay as a Liza Minnelli wedding and my last relationship (if you can call it that) ended not because of crosscurrents of childhood pain and gay-community pathologies like meth addiction, but because of my inability to communicate. And don’t straight people have childhood pain, adult expectations and addiction problems to contend with?
That sentence didn’t just confuse me, it kind of irritated me. Had I been able to scoop my jaw off the floor, the first words out of my mouth would have been, “Oh, please. Like heterosexuals aren’t addicted to meth!” Which, I admit, probably isn’t the greatest or most serious reply to such a loaded statement, but what else is there to say in response to something that sounds so maudlin and pandering? It gets even better, as Cloud reflects on the breakup of his long-term relationship and notes:
And yet if ours had been a straight marriage, I have little doubt we would still be together. We had financial security and supportive families. We almost certainly would have had children. This isn’t regret — fighting my homosexuality would be like shouting against the rain. But while the researchers are certainly right that straight couples have something to learn from gay couples, I think the inverse is true as well.
All of this sappiness and general ridiculousness piqued my interest in John Cloud, so I Googled his name. The first result was a Columbia Journalism Review article called “John Cloud Responds to His Critics.” It was about his 2005 Time cover story on Ann Coulter, which was criticized for more things than I have the time or space to list.
Surely I’m not the only misanthropic homo who makes a beeline for the Internet Movie Database message boards the second an actor comes out of the closet. IMDb users aren’t just a notoriously homophobic and semi-illiterate bunch, they also have the world’s worst-calibrated gaydar this side of Senator Larry Craig’s wife. If you don’t believe me, try reading up on Michelle Rodriguez or Wentworth Miller. (And might I point out that before T.R. Knight came out of the closet, his delusional IMDb fans had him secretly involved with Katherine Heigl? Plus, Neil Patrick Harris can’t be gay. He likes Kate Winslet!)
To celebrate Adamo Ruggiero, who plays Marco on TV’s Degrassi, coming out of the closet, I was going to compile a list of IMDb quotes debating his sexuality. You can imagine my surprise when I found these comments, taken from years-old threads called “He’s Not Gay in Real Life” and “Why Everyone Thinks He’s Gay,” instead:
“I don’t know him personally, but he goes to my highschool and my friends who know him tell me he’s not really gay.”
“reed his profile its sounds a little gay but i dont care if he is gay –i still think hes hott!!!”
“ok he so is not gay in real life, and his profile doesnt sound gay either! How can a pf sound gay??????? hello have some sence.!”
“hey is gay i saw him kiss another guy in my school”
“I doubt that he’s gay. After all, it is ACTING. I could act like a lesbian if I tried, and it wouldn’t mean anything. But that whole shaggy hair look is SOOOO sexy. (From season 2) I’d wanna make him turn straight if he was really gay!!!”
“Adamo’s not really gay?! OH THANK GOD! Even though I still doubt that I have a chance because he’s too much older than me for us to date, I’m soo happy. I had a few doubts because on DeGrassi unscripted he kindof came off as gay with the shoes and the hats. And he does too good a job of acting gay. But again THANK GOD HE’S NOT GAY!”
“he is gay…my friend lives two houses away from him and we hear him listening to Britny Spears and like other girl songs…plus his boyfrind is there almost everyday…he might be bi…but he definately likes men and acts gay when we see him…but im not saying thats a bad thing or anything”
“I listen to Britney Spears and I’m not a lesbian.”
“ok wow…that was the least smart comment ive seen here on these posts. First of all just cause someone listens to Britney and is male doesnt mean hes gay…it means he has poor choice in music..lol..second of all my brother..is gay and listens to Britney. Yes there are many gay males who adore her…But not all do. THIRD OF ALL…for you…girly who made a comment about you listening to Britney Spears and not being a lesbian..I think they made the previous comment based on the fact that he is MALE listening to Britney..Lots of girly girls listen or have listened to Britney..Me? Personally? Hell no..Now…if you are a female and listening to…K.D. Lang or Melissa Etheridge that would make more sense of why someone would think you were a lesbian. NOT that straight people cant listen to them or that ALL lesbians DO listen to them. I AM a lesbian actually and I listen to SOME of Melissas songs but none of K.D. Lang. So..think before you type lol.”
“screw britney and destiny’s child, the real proof lies in his listening to the goddess of queer music: JUDY GARLAND!!”
“i saw him at a gay club called ‘buddies’ last night. he was dancing right beside me and i knew it was him. and then i saw him having a smoke outside with a friend. my guess is that he is gay.”
“If anyone has seen his Degrassi Unscripted you can see that there is something defintely not straight about him. His flamboyant hand movements the fact that he kept saying “And All that Jazz” and his room was done in some kind of pink tone.. And when it showed his cd collection he had the spice girls… Come on… I pretty sure Degrassi Unscripted is supposed to show what actors are like beyond their characters so unless Canadian men like to dance around saying And All that Jazz and listen to the Spice Girls…”
“He’s probably bi because he’s been playing a gay character for 3 years.”
“ok. have you seen his unscripted? his room looks like a twelve year old girls room. he talks gay. i seriously did not think he was gay in real life but geez, he is gayy”
“Adamo’s straight just like Lance Bass is.”
“He is completely gay. I mean come on. Look at his 100% feminine-lookin ass.”
“You are a moron. He is NOT gay!”
“He is gay. My friend’s friend actually dated him for about 5 months last year, and he is a guy.”
It’s official, if a little hard on the eyes (and brain) to scroll through: 15-year-olds have better gaydar than Jodie Foster fans. It indicates social progress, sure, but it was also bittersweet to find so few replies pompously pointing out that not everyone is gay. Maybe that’s the kind of bitchiness that is only learned with age.
