Look what the homosexuals have done to me!

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Three Cheers for Woody Allen

Penelope Cruz with another blonde in Head in the Clouds.

It’s tough, sometimes, being a Woody Allen fan. You’re not just constantly put in the incredibly awkward position of being expected to defend the indefensible (see: marrying your girlfriend’s daughter), you’re also asked to defend films like Hollywood Ending and The Curse of the Jade Scorpion. That’s why I was happy to read this shamelessly publicisty blurb in today’s Page Six:

SCARLETT Johansson has a steamy lesbian sex scene with Penelope Cruz in Woody Allen’s upcoming “Vicky Cristina Barcelona.” A source tells us: “It is also extremely erotic. People will be blown away and even shocked. Penelope and Scarlett go at it in a red-tinted photography dark room, and it will leave the audience gasping.”

Okay, so audiences would have to actually show up for a Woody Allen movie — or a Penelope Cruz movie, or a Scarlett Johansson movie, for that matter — in order to gasp. Chances are, that isn’t happening. And while it’s true that Match Point was a bit sexier than Michael Caine boffing his sister-in-law in Hannah and Her Sisters, it’s rather doubtful the former Allen Stewart Konigsberg will achieve a David Lynchian hypnotic, audience-silencing Mulholland Drive effect here. Still, what’s not to like about this?

Of course, I say that as someone who is so dedicated to supporting Penelope Cruz’s on-screen lesbian antics that I watched Head in the Clouds in its entirety. Even worse, I endured the interminable Don’t Tempt Me just to see her butchified and leering at Victoria Abril. Curiously, she didn’t seem all that different than she does on The Late Show.

Short Cuts: Leonard Bernstein & Charlotte Rampling Edition

“‘I Feel Pretty’ is really Riff and Bernardo’s song.”

“To write a great Broadway musical, you have to be either Jewish or gay. And I’m both.” That’s according to Leonard Bernstein, from Rodney Greenberg’s new Jewish Quarterly profile of the composer. For the record, I’m also both, and if I tried to write a Broadway musical the results would be more disastrous than Taboo. I feel so cheated.

Of Bernstein’s sexuality, Greenberg writes:

Bernstein’s complex personality created havoc at times, particularly when his homosexuality led him to leave Felicia and live for a while with a music researcher, Tom Cothran. Jamie Bernstein, his daughter, said her father needed to know he could also come back home — to his ‘quiet place’. Not long afterwards, Felicia died of cancer. He was consumed by remorse, and never properly recovered. In a scene reminiscent of a Verdi opera plot, she had cursed him: ‘You are going to die a bitter and lonely old man.’

That’s rather depressing, isn’t it?

“I can kill a man in two seconds with a withering glance. My agent timed me.”

Charlotte Rampling, one of the most gorgeous and consistently fascinating actresses in the history of movies (and, along with Valeria Bruni Tedeschi, my favorite François Ozon muse), turns 62 today. If you missed this remarkably personal Guardian interview she gave while promoting Swimming Pool in 2003 and have a few minutes to spare, now is the perfect time to check it out.

This Week on DVD: February 5th Edition


“This poster is going to cause me a real headache with bitchy queens.”

Finally, the bleak DVD month of January is over and February’s first batch of new releases is primed to more than make up for it.

First, in the gay interest department, there is Neil Jordan’s The Brave One, starring the world’s most famous quasi-closeted actress, Jodie Foster. The Brave One is not a gay movie — it’s another of those films that finds Foster out for blood when something happens to her straight family — but the heterosexual Jordan’s work, from Mona Lisa to The Crying Game and Breakfast on Pluto, is often queer-inclusive, and Will & Grace producer Cynthia Mort’s name on the screenplay bolsters its gay credentials.

For those of you so eager to see Foster kick ass and take names that you can’t bear a 10-minute drive to the video store, Warner Brothers has made the download available for pre-order through Amazon Unbox for $14.99, which makes it cheaper than the DVD.

More new releases:


Robert Ford: “You were real pretty in Thelma & Louise.”

Also available for download is The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, the brooding Andrew Dominik western with gay undertones to spare. The cast includes Brad Pitt, Mary-Louise Parker, Sam Rockwell, Sam Shepard, Paul Schneider and the Oscar-nominated Casey Affleck as Robert Ford, who casts many a meaningful glance in Pitt’s direction.


“Is that Irène Jacob selling flowers over there?”

Julie Delpy writes, directs, stars in, contributes music to and probably hand-carved the furniture that appears in 2 Days in Paris, which costars Adam Goldberg — who, despite being 37 and decidedly male, comes off as something of an ingénue here. A scruffy, nervous, foul-mouthed ingénue, but we can’t all be Audrey Hepburn. It’s a lovely, oddball directorial debut (though the manic last few minutes disrupt its easygoing charm), and one that establishes Delpy as a filmmaker to watch.

Julie Taymor’s Beatles-inspired musical Across the Universe, starring Evan Rachel Wood — she who kissed Mischa Barton on Once & Again and Nikki Reed in Thirteen — and Jim Sturgess, gets the 2-Disc Special Edition treatment from Sony. Actress T.V. Carpio plays Prudence, a lesbian character who sings “I Want to Hold Your Hand” about a fellow cheerleader.

MGM pays another visit to Billy Wilder’s The Apartment, bringing it a few supplementary features this time around.

Cate Blanchett and director Shekhar Kapur re-team for Elizabeth: The Golden Age, to middling results, though the cast, which includes Geoffrey Rush, Clive Owen and Samantha Morton, is uniformly excellent.

Feast of Love, which has Selma Blair in a lesbian subplot that even director Robert Benton admits is undercooked, comes to DVD from MGM, if anyone cares. Morgan Freeman, Jane Alexander, Greg Kinnear and High Art’s Radha Mitchell star.

In need of a Diane Lane fix but unwilling to spend $10 on Untraceable? You can try Griffin Dunne’s Fierce People, an odd little number that gathered dust on Lionsgate’s shelves for two years before receiving a limited theatrical release in 2007. It has Donald Sutherland, Anton Yelchin, Kristen Stewart, Chris Evans, drug addiction, sodomy— your grandparents are sure to love it.

Kino has collected Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors, The Color of Pomegranates, The Legend of Suram Fortress and Ashik Kerib in The Films of Sergei Paradjanov, a new box set. The titles are also available separately.

A Gallipoli that wasn’t directed by Peter Weir and doesn’t star Mel “Sugar Tits” Gibson is being released by Cinema Epoch. This documentary about the famous 1915 battle is narrated by Jeremy Irons and Sam Neill, who, as far as I know, don’t blame any of the bloodshed on the Jews.

Imitation of Life, both the 1934 original starring Claudette Colbert and the 1959 Douglas Sirk remake starring Lana Turner, gets the Universal Legacy Series treatment in this handsome double-feature.

Four lesser-known Jean-Luc Godard films (Passion, First Name: Carmen, The Detective and Oh Woe is Me) are being released together by Lionsgate, but it’s the upcoming Criterion release of Pierrot le Fou that everyone is really excited about.

David Grubin’s absorbing documentary The Jewish Americans, which recently aired on PBS, gets a speedy double-disc release. Angels in America playwright Tony Kushner is one of the interview subjects; video clips and lesson plans for teachers are available online.

You can be honest, lecherous lesbians. Before her face melted off, you watched NBC’s Third Watch for Tia Texada. And I won’t judge you for that, because I watched it every now and then for Nia Long. Neither appeared in the first season of the show, which finally debuts on DVD, but Bobby Cannavale did. That should count for something, I guess.

A cross-dressing Dustin Hoffman falls for Jessica Lange in Tootsie

Tootsie turns 25 with an Anniversary Edition from Columbia. Watch as Dustin Hoffman transforms himself into a woman who looks frighteningly like my great-aunt! Watch as his saucy soap actress Dorothy Michaels falls for comely costar Jessica Lange! Watch as Bill Murray acts very droll and Teri Garr very ditzy! The peppy score might make you want to kill Dave Grusin, but Sydney Pollack’s film holds up spectacularly well.

If ever a movie didn’t deserve a deluxe edition, it’s You’ve Got Mail, but Warner Brothers knows you get lonely and sentimental around Valentine’s Day and they’re not above squeezing another $12 from your wallet with this second release of the film. If you have to buy something to get all sappy to on the 14th, you’re much better off investing in The Shop Around the Corner. I tell you this as someone who cares: You can’t go wrong with Ernst Lubitsch and Margaret Sullavan.

Samantha Fox’s Lesbian Wife Swap – Updated

Fox: “Can anyone help me? I seem to have misplaced my career.”

Samantha Fox’s episode of Wife Swap, in which she goes to live with the widely loathed comedian Freddie Starr while Starr’s put-upon wife shacks up with Fox’s partner, Myra Stratton, is getting bad reviews! Who would have guessed? You can watch a rather long, uncomfortable interview with Samantha and Freddie on ITV’s This Morning below by clicking here.

Or, if you’re merely looking for a glimpse of Stratton, who has been with Fox for eight years, you can check out this shorter clip.

More Patricia Cornwell Nuttiness

“I didn’t just create Kay Scarpetta, I’m also half of Hall & Oates.”

Itching to read more about the upcoming book detailing Patricia Cornwell’s ill-fated affair with former FBI agent Margo Bennett? Times Online journalist Tony Allen-Mills is here to help. I’d post quotes for those of you who like one-stop shopping, but this story, once mildly interesting in a tawdry tabloid kind of way, seems rather moldy now, especially since Cornwell has become more forthcoming about her personal life.

Saturday Morning Short Cuts

McGillis in The Monkey’s Mask: “Don’t ever interrupt me when I’m watching football.”

The 17th Annual Kelly McGillis Classic International Women’s/Girls’ Flag Football Championship begins this weekend in Key West, Florida. You can read more by visiting the tournament’s official website, which informs us that not only does McGillis — whose guest arc on The L Word begins later this month — enjoy playing football herself, but one of the teams in this year’s competition is called the Diesel Daisies.

I was going to suggest that McGillis Classic scheduling might be to blame for the Spice Girls cutting their reunion tour short (you know how Mel C. is about her sports), but it turns out they’re not wrapping things up until February 26th.

Sontag at home in 1988, in an image from Leibovitz’s A Photographer’s Life

In her review of David Rieff’s Swimming in a Sea of Death, a memoir of his mother Susan Sontag’s battle with cancer, Katie Roiphe quotes Rieff as writing that Sontag was “humiliated posthumously” by lover Annie Leibovitz’s “carnival images of celebrity death.” The personal photographs first caused a stir upon their publication in the Leibovitz collection A Photographer’s Life: 1990-2005 in 2006. Promotion for the book marked the first time Leibovitz spoke publicly about her lengthy relationship with Sontag.

Later this year, Rieff will oversee the publication of journals and notebooks his mother kept between 1947 and 1964. Previously published excerpts contain Sontag’s reflections on lesbian relationships with Harriet Sohmers and Maria Irene Fornes and comments like, “My desire to write is connected with my homosexuality. I need the identity as a weapon, to match the weapon that society has against me. It doesn’t justify my homosexuality. But it would give me — I feel — a license.” Sontag also wrote: “Being queer makes me feel more vulnerable.”

Other news and suggested reading:

Yesterday an appeals court ruled that Dr. Sneha Anne Philip died at the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001. Philip’s disappearance was the subject of a 2006 New York magazine article that revealed a police probe into her personal life turned up stories of hidden alcohol abuse and bisexual affairs, which her family denied.

JFLAG, the Jamaica Forum for Lesbians All-Sexuals and Gays, has made a plea for government action in the wake of a mob attack on gay men in Mandeville. Their statement reads in part, “We are cultivating an uncivil society which seems to be itching for a reason to resort to mob violence as a redress for real or perceived grievances. When those with whom we entrust the responsibility of leadership fail to act decisively, they betray all Jamaicans.”

Where are gays in space? And Jodie Foster in Contact doesn’t count. We’re not talking about gays in front of bluescreens.

Newsday journalist Saul Friedman has written a nice piece about SAGE-LI, a new Long Island organization devoted to helping elderly GLBT individuals.

Maggie Gyllenhaal Supports Writers, Girl-Girl Action

“I’m a slave to the written word.”

Okay, my lesbian-crazed cyber friends: If Maggie Gyllenhaal didn’t make you her bitch with Secretary or Sherrybaby, let’s see if her new video in support of the WGA strike doesn’t do the trick.

The spot, which is archived as Episode 34 on the Speechless Without Writers website should our embedded code stop working, features Gyllenhaal as a woman who discovers her caddish boyfriend, AMPiTePa (that would be the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers, for those keeping track at home), is cheating on her with not one but two other women.

Instead of making like Heather Graham and Natasha Gregson Wagner in Two Girls and a Guy and talking and talking (and talking) about it, this rowdy bunch gets tipsy together before Gyllenhaal retires to the hotel bed, asking her new friends if they want to “make an interim agreement” in AMPiTePa’s absence. Then a pizza delivery girl shows up.

If you haven’t given much thought to the writer’s strike, hopefully this video will change your mind. There’s a lot more at stake here than scribes getting screwed out of money — there are also lesbian orgies to worry about.

UPDATE: The video was interfering with the archive sidebar, so you’ll have to view the clip here.

Survey: Britons Lie About Being Gay

“Me? I just haven’t met the right woman yet.”

The Office for National Statistics, which carried out a poll of 4,000 UK residents, has reported that only one in 100 respondents described themselves as gay. The Office, which acknowledged that some survey takers didn’t understand the question about their sexuality and that researchers even failed to ask it in 15 percent of interviews, called the results “not a reliable estimate” of the gay population. Which should go without saying, shouldn’t it, when you’re talking about the same part of the world that embraced Blue, Boyzone, Samantha Fox, Kylie Minogue, Westlife, Robbie Williams and countless similar acts with such unbridled enthusiasm?

That’s right, Great Britain — or should that be Gay Britain? — we’re on to you. And it’s not just your questionable taste in music that raised a pink flag. It’s your devotion to AbFab and Helen Mirren. Your prurient interest in Cristiano Ronaldo’s sex life and BBC adaptations of Sarah Waters novels. You’re fooling about as many people as Morrissey, you sad wankers. Go on, call yourselves gay. If I could come out while attending high school in the friggin’ Midwest, in a town that has more churches than fast food restaurants, I think you can divulge your orientation to a stranger with a clipboard.

Gay Couples Are Just Like Straight Couples (And the Sky is Blue)

Ma and Pa Kettle vacationing in Hawaii.

Same-sex couples are just as committed to driving each other insane — oops, scratch that last part, I meant just as committed — as straight couples, two new studies have found. Isn’t it charming and quaint that this is considered news?

This Week on DVD: January 22nd Edition

As a group, Torchwood‘s characters are almost as queer as the B-52’s.

The first season of Torchwood, the Dr. Who spin-off and brainchild of Queer as Folk creator Russell T. Davies, comes to DVD this week in a 7-set disc set. The series stars openly gay actor John Barrowman and is notable for its bisexual storylines.

More Tuesday releases of note:

The kind souls at the Criterion Collection have done their part to make this week’s new DVD releases more exciting than last week’s fare — in addition to Alf Sjöberg’s 1950 adaptation of Strindberg’s Miss Julie and Lindsay Anderson’s British New Wave classic This Sporting Life, they’re offering 4 by Agnes Varda, a collection that bundles their previous Varda releases (Vagabond and Cleo from 5 to 7) with La Pointe Courte and Le Bonheur.

Oscar: “I wish I knew how to quit you.”

Felix Unger and Oscar Madison continue to fight their mutual attraction in The Odd Couple: The Complete Third Season.

Felicity Jones and Henry Tilney star in the new Masterpiece Theatre adaptation of Jane Austen’s Northanger Abbey, from a script by Andrew Davies, the prolific screenwriter who adapted Tipping the Velvet for the BBC.

Dr. Kerry Weaver marks her first full season as a lesbian who knows she’s a lesbian in the eighth season of ER.

And finally, 20th Century Fox has assembled an attractively priced but redundant package of five of their Best Picture winners. The selections include How Green Was My Valley, Gentleman’s Agreement, The French Connection, All About Eve, and The Sound of Music. As a bonus, because I neglected you over the weekend, here’s a bizarre YouTube clip that turns The Sound of Music‘s infamous “cunt face”-sounding line into a Tourette’s-like outburst.

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