Krystal Freeman has written a remarkable essay called “Sakia Gunn: When Intolerance Breeds Murder,” that you need to read right now. Or five minutes from now, if that works better for you. Just read it. You know I’m serious when I post something that’s entirely free of goofy pictures and painfully unfunny one-liners.
Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.
There’s an unwritten rule moviegoers have faithfully abided now for almost 30 years now about not seeing Paul Schrader films. The last time they cared about one was in 1980, when American Gigolo made $22 million in the United States, and at least $15 million of that had less to do with Schrader than Richard Gere’s genitals. It’s enough to make you wonder if there isn’t something about the filmmaker from Grand Rapids, Michigan that puts people off, but then who wouldn’t fall in love with a Bresson and Ozu-obsessed former Calvinist who wears big, thick glasses and has a penchant for porn, prostitutes and Blondie music?
The enduring popularity of the movies Schrader wrote for Martin Scorsese, including Taxi Driver and Raging Bull, suggests that the box office failures of Mishima, Light Sleeper, and practically everything else Schrader’s name has appeared on, has less to do with indifferent audiences than indifferent distributors. According to Box Office Mojo, his widest release was 1,041 theaters for Light of Day; that was all the way back in 1987, when its star, Michael J. Fox, was enjoying immense popularity due to the success of both Family Ties and Back to the Future.
His most recent film, The Walker, played in only 14 theaters, grossing a paltry $79,698 domestically. In the same year, in the same country, Wild Hogs made almost $170 million. A movie about Alvin and the fucking Chipmunks made $217 million. How does that happen? How does something like The Walker, an actual movie with actual ideas (made by an actual filmmaker and starring real actors, no less), make less than Elton John’s monthly flower allowance? How does it play on only 14 screens, the fewest of any Schrader movie since 1991’s The Comfort of Strangers?
Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.
When Cyndi Lauper appeared on the Howard Stern Show last Thursday to promote the upcoming True Colors Tour, she knew what to expect. The singer, after all, has a decades-long history with Stern, a self-professed Lauper fan who admits to getting choked up when he hears her sing “True Colors.” So when Stern’s line of questioning turned, inevitably, to Lauper’s sexual history, she was able to deflect his more intrusive queries with relative ease.
I think you’ll agree that nothing in this exchange, one of many on the topic of Cyndi’s experimental teenage years, rivals the magic of, say, a Tracy Morgan appearance on Stern, but then again, what does?
Howard: Did you ever have lesbianism in your life at all? Did you ever make love to another woman?
Cyndi: Uh… (Laughs) Um…
Howard: So that’s a yes.
Cyndi: Yeah.
Howard: You did.
Robin Quivers: I was gonna say, you can’t think that long on a no…
Cyndi: No, it isn’t that. It’s ’cause I got kids.
Howard: Cyndi — kids, shmids. So what’s wrong with being gay? Nothing wrong. You’re bisexual —
Cyndi: No, no. My sister has been living with her partner for — they raised two kids, two boys together. They’re very — my sister is amazing.
Howard: Is that why you tried lesbianism, Cyndi?
Cyndi: I wouldn’t say that I’m —
Howard: Cyndi, is that why you tried lesbianism, because of your sister? You said, ‘Well, if she’s — ‘
Cyndi: No, no. When I was a teenager, all my friends came out.
Howard: They did?
Cyndi: And then I figured, okay, me too. And then afterwards, it was like, uh, it’s not really my thing. And then I had to tell them I was straight.
Howard: Was it awful? To tell people you were straight?
Cyndi: Well, because they were — they were gonna ditch me. And they did ditch me. And then when my sister came out, I was like, “Well, you’re not ditching me. I don’t care.”
Howard: You’re right, in a sense. I grew up in a black neighborhood and I used to be so angry that I was white, because it wasn’t any fun for me. Everybody else was dating and having a good time and I was the one lone honky. So I would imagine —
Artie Lange: Was it hard to come out that you were white, though?
Howard: Yes. I mean, I didn’t want to accept it.
the howard stern show
Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.
The French Open starts in a little more than 90 minutes, fellow gays, and that early round action can’t come soon enough. I’ve been bored out of my mind for weeks now, which is why I’ve been giving the Internet the silent treatment. There’s nothing to write about. Fine, so the lesbian world is abuzz with talk of Jodie Foster reportedly ditching her partner for Melanie Mayron’s partner, but is there anything interesting about any of that?
(I’d like to point out, since I’ve seen a spike in Melanie Mayron-related traffic in the wake of the Foster hullabaloo, that while Mayron has previously opted to have journalists describe her as a single mom rather than acknowledge her long-term relationship with Cynthia Mort, their union was hardly cloaked in a veil of secrecy, so I didn’t exactly out anyone when I wrote what I wrote about her — and I hardly wrote anything at all — back in February.) It only gets interesting if the tabloid feeding frenzy moves Foster to issue a denial or offer some kind of confirmation, and image-conscious as she is, it’s hard to imagine the latter happening anytime soon, assuming there’s any truth to the rumors.
Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.
Monday: Australia, despite being home to the Minogue sisters and that queen from Savage Garden, can’t get its act together when it comes to legally protecting their gay and lesbian citizens. (Who do they think they are, the United States?) While Americans spent the week passing judgment on the teenage spawn of that guy with a mullet who sang “Achy Breaky Heart” and eagerly awaiting the release of Iron Man, Australians spent it having the same old argument about civil unions versus gay marriage. Meanwhile, proposed changes in the law will come too late for those who were already denied pension benefits after losing their partners.
Tuesday: Woody Allen confirmed what every Woody Allen fan already knew by saying the hype over the “extremely erotic” Penélope Cruz/Scarlett Johansson action in the upcoming Vicky Cristina Barcelona is just that: hype. As he told Entertainment Weekly: “Because it was Penélope and Scarlett and Javier, it got out that there was torrid sex in the picture. People who come and expect those exaggerations are going to be disappointed.” But we’ll always have our imaginations. And Photoshop. Don’t forget Photoshop.
Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.
Being terminally out of the loop, I’d never heard of guitarist Kaki King (who just released her fourth album, and has also played on songs by acts as diverse as the Foo Fighters, Northern State and Tegan and Sara) before reading this article in Australia’s The Age. But now I have no choice, I have to check out her music. Not just because everyone agrees she’s amazingly talented, but because she’s also fucking funny. Writes interviewer Guy Blackman:
But when I ask why, despite being an open and proud lesbian, none of King’s lyrics or song titles on Dreaming of Revenge seem to refer to her sexuality, she quickly loses her fragile cool.
“Let’s work on some openly lesbian song titles – how about ‘I Like Muff-Diving’, ‘I’m a Girl and She’s So Hot’. I mean, what are you talking about?”
This is where I interrupt to point out that “I Like Muff-Diving” has already been done — it was a Joan Jett B-side in 1981 — before picking up the Blackman piece, already in progress:
But just as quickly, she reins herself in again. “I’m sorry, it’s just that a lot of people are like, ‘So, what’s the gay thing about?”‘ King says. “It’s like, ‘Oh, f— me, do we have to go there?’
“There’s nothing openly lesbian about the lyrics,” she continues.
“There’s really not much openly lesbian about the record. I don’t reference it, but I certainly would. If I needed something to rhyme with ‘bee’ then I’d use ‘she’, if I was writing a song about a lover. It just happened that I didn’t on this record.”
To which I can only say: Yeah. If she’s openly gay, what more is there to discuss? It’s like asking Aretha Franklin why she doesn’t record songs about snack cakes.
Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.
Ever mindful of my health and concerned for my personal safety, I want to begin this post by making something perfectly clear: I, Cranky Lesbian, have nothing against Michelle Rodriguez. As far as I can tell, she’s a passable actress. She was an engaging presence in Girlfight, and I remember reading that she tried to turn her court-ordered ankle bracelet into a fashion accessory, which shows she has a sense of humor. In fact, I like Michelle Rodriguez so much that I’m going to stand up for her right now and say that the time she was busted for driving under the influence — I think it was bullshit. That’s right, bullshit.
As you can see from her mugshot, she doesn’t look wasted. Rather, she looks upset but slightly hopeful, like she might break into song (maybe “Tomorrow” from Annie) at any moment. I would bet anything she hadn’t been drinking or smoking pot or whatever it was she’d supposedly been doing just prior to her arrest. I strongly suspect that what happened was she’d just caught the tail end of Fried Green Tomatoes on USA and was crying at Idgie’s inability to accept Ruth’s death. She was distraught, obviously — Mary Stuart Masterson played the hell out of that deathbed scene — but at the same time she felt inspired knowing that Ruth’s memory would live on in the hearts of all who loved her.
I’m telling you, I know I’m right. You can see it in her face, how she’s thinking about little one-armed Buddy playing catch while Ruth looks down lovingly from her cloud-perch in heaven. She’s thinking to herself, “So what if this is a bum rap? Life goes on. Sipsey keeps on cooking and Idgie moves to Los Angeles, where she opens a bookstore and lives with her cousin Spence. I’ll make it through this. If I could read the entire BloodRayne script, I can make it through anything.”
I wanted to get all of that out of the way, to formally establish myself as a Rodriguez supporter, before addressing comments the actress recently made to Latina magazine about rumors that she’s the lezziest lez to ever have lezzed — since the invention of the Internet, at least. You see, Rodriguez, when asked about the bloggers (cough, Perez Hilton, cough) who out her once or twice a month, generously replied, “I picture them turning into pigs, slime coming out the side of their mouth, and I picture them jerking off.”
That comment I’m going to let pass, because the woman is obviously in mental anguish if she’s picturing bloggers masturbating. It’s the rest of her quote I find interesting, because she continued, “I don’t answer those questions. I just keep it to myself and it’s nobody’s business. If I wanna fuck a girl, a boy, a dog — that’s my business. That’s why there’s bathroom doors.”
So, yeah. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Bathroom doors? It’s like she’s trying to out herself when she says stuff like that. The gays, that’s what we’re famous for — the bathroom sex. Oh, sure, the unwashed heterosexual masses might labor under the illusion that it’s the guys who have all the restroomy fun, with their wide stances and impromptu George Michael concerts and all, but check out any season of The L Word and if you can make it through all the cringe-inducing hackery and general insipidness, you’ll see that the non-germaphobic lady-lovin’ ladies out there know their way around a bathroom stall as well.
If you’re going to grab a same-sex partner and go at it in public (and it’s not like I’m coming right out and calling Michelle Rodriguez gay or anything — there’s no slime coming out of my mouth — but she doesn’t strike me as someone who is diametrically opposed to going at it in public), there’s no better place to get away with it than a bathroom. Well, that or a Linens ‘n Things, because I understand people don’t go there anymore.
Note to Michelle: If you don’t want people to speculate about your sexuality, think before you talk! And please, please don’t beat me up for saying that. I’m short and frail and terribly uncoordinated. It’s doubtful I could throw a punch. Picking on me would be like picking on a third grader. Anyway, I watched three-fourths of Blue Crush one night on Starz, so I think you’ll agree you owe me a pass on this one.
Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.
All of Bravo exec Andy Cohen’s straight female friends are just crazy about Bravo’s Work Out star Jackie Warner, the New York Times reported this morning. The Times didn’t do much in the way of independently verifying Cohen’s claims, which include him saying, “I’m from St. Louis. When I go home a lot of times I’m amazed by the suburban married women that are coming up to me and saying, ‘I’m in love with Jackie Warner,'” and trotting out the obligatory married-with-children female friend to pontificate on her girl crush. But let’s be honest — does anyone care?
I know I don’t, but I thought I’d point out the Cohen quote in that half-assed way of mine because I, too, hail from St. Louis, andnone of the married suburbanites I know have ever declared their love or lust for Jackie Warner. In fact, I’d be surprised if more than a couple of them could even tell you who Jackie Warner is. (A majority would probably furrow their brows and ask if she’s related to Kurt.) However, they do think the soft butch KSDK reporter who used to co-host Show Me St. Louis is attractive. If anyone at the Times wants to report on that, I can put you in touch with some people.
The new season of Work Out starts tomorrow, btw. Will Jackie find another heterosexual-with-attention-whore-tendencies employee to make out with while the rest of the gang looks on in horror? Will Peeler still be as bald as my seventh grade algebra teacher? And who are all the people I don’t recognize in this year’s cast photo? There’s a preview available on Bravo’s website that might answer some of these questions; I haven’t bothered to look at it yet because my Tuesday night viewing plans are all about Lars and the Real Girl.
Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.
Is this big daddy a dangerously overweight cat or the furry dwarf cousin of incorrigible comic and former Hollywood Squares personality Bruce Vilanch? View all the pics and then you make the call.
Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.
What the hell kind of malfunctioning gaydar does Joan Jett think we have? The legendarily badass rocker, who is part of the True Colors tour this summer and is slated to release a new greatest hits package later this year, recently told Spinner that she hasn’t divulged her sexuality to the public because she’s not in the business of ruining fantasies. As she explained to writer Jessica Robertson (you can read the full interview, including the usual “It’s about setting boundaries” spiel, here):
It really boils down to this: I want to please everybody. I want every guy and every girl thinking that I’m singing these songs to them, because I am. If I make a hard, fast case on where I stand then that takes away a lot of the fantasy. Music entails a lot of fantasy. I want people to be able to go there with me. Some people might think it’s a cop-out. I don’t care. That’s how I feel.
Whether or not you approve of her stance, it’s an incredibly honest answer that neatly encapsulates the ultimate dilemma of the “closeted” celebrity, which is this: actors and musicians are packaged and sold as products, and if they want to be successful, they’re going to make every effort to appeal to the largest possible base of consumers. And her explanation serves a dual purpose, because the way Jett approached the subject, she turned it into one of those non-answer answers that’s really only a non-answer if you’re obtuse.
In other news…
Cynthia Nixon was honored by the Point Foundation last night for not trying to appease lust-crazed Sex and the City fans by keeping mum on her personal life. Accepting the Point Courage Award for being a LGBT role model, Nixon said, “When you’re a young gay person, you yearn for nothing so much as the presence of other gay people, most especially, an older generation of gay people who can encourage and inspire you.” Continues PEOPLE.com:
That being said, Nixon – who had two children with her longtime boyfriend Danny Mozes before their 2003 split – acknowledged that she was not an out teenager. “That is part of what I look back on now as … my straight period,” she said.
I get where she’s coming from, though my own straight period was considerably shorter, lasting only a few months when I was in preschool back in ’87.
And a postscript for those of you wondering why I’m commenting on the Jett interview five days after the fact…
I’d like to offer this in my defense: In addition to being swamped at work, I’ve been methodically working my way through the latest Warner Bros. Bette Davis collection in my spare time. Did you know that All This, and Heaven Too is about eight trillion hours long? Not that Charles Boyer isn’t worth it, but I haven’t been this emotionally depleted since the Hellmouth collapsed in the final episode of Buffy.
Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.
Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén