Cranky Lesbian

Look what the homosexuals have done to me!

Category: In the News

Oy Vey! Ex-Gays!

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On January 20, 2009

In In the News

From an interesting article written by Matt Kennard about ex-gays and ex-ex-gays:

Randy Thomas, 39, is the executive vice president of Exodus and an ex-gay himself. “I became a Christian at 24, but I didn’t come to Christ to not be gay,” he said. “It was only after a few months, I realized I didn’t have to be gay, so I decided to live according to my faith. That was 16 years ago.”

In the ex-gay movement there is spectrum of success. On one end are those who purport a full conversion to heterosexuality. On the other end are those plagued by guilt, unable to cleanse themselves of their urges. Thomas stands somewhere in the middle. “I have not experienced a full orientation shift,” said Thomas. “But I went from 100 percent exclusively homosexual, to where I would feel OK being a husband and having a wife.”

Isn’t that romantic? Imagine you’re the lucky woman who reels in this catch, and he proposes to you by saying that he, uh, really likes you and thinks he’d be OK with being your husband. The tears of anger and resentment happiness would never stop flowing!

And ladies, he’s single. His relationship with an ex-lesbian girlfriend went bust last year because, in his words, “we weren’t meant to be husband and wife.” (According to my handy Ex-Gay to Gay-Gay dictionary, that means: “She didn’t have a penis.”) And, as he told Kennard, “She was particularly ex-gay.” (Translation: “I vomited every time she tried to touch me.”) If you guessed the pair never had sex, you’re correct. But Thomas swears they had definite chemistry, which is easy enough to believe — I’m sure they were the Edmund Lowe and Lilyan Tashman of the ex-gay set.

2020 “Cranky’s Editing Old Posts After Moving the Blog” Update: Thomas, of course, eventually became an ex-ex-gay, and apologized for his involvement in that cruel and hateful movement (and announced his engagement to a man).

Another Reminder: Fire Bad

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On January 14, 2009

In In the News

I know you’ve all been busy with the not being gay in Senegal thing, so I hate to add more to your plate, but this is very important: Make sure you don’t set your ex on fire. And make sure you’re not set on fire by your ex. It might not seem like it in the heat of the moment, but there are better, less criminal ways of expressing yourself. (Personally, I’m more the silent treatment type, but others have found great success in collaborating with Timbaland on kiss-off singles or in writing one of the worst films Mike Nichols ever directed.)

Lesbians should pay particular attention to the no-fire edict; between the Celestia debacle and 40 years’ worth of negative portrayals in film and television, enough people already think we’re bonkers without yahoos like this tabloid-courting heiress broad — whose name I won’t mention because I like security guards not knowing who she is — fanning the flames. So to speak.

Congratulations, Tony Sottile, on Being a Major Asshole

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On January 11, 2009

In In the News

From a story MSNBC picked up about another marriage equality march that was held this weekend in California, in which the obligatory quote from a gay rights activist who wants the Defense of Marriage Act repealed is followed by the obligatory quote from a total moron:

“The homosexuals and lesbians want equal rights. They don’t deserve equality,” passerby Tony Sottile said.

Good job, Tony. I’m sure you’ll be very proud when, many years from now, your grandchildren or great-grandchildren Google you and see this.

Reminder: Don’t Be Gay in Senegal

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On January 9, 2009

In In the News

Engaging in homosexual acts in Senegal can get you eight years in the hoosegow. Which brings us to two questions that I’ll now pose in no particular order: Why does the word “hoosegow” only appear on approximately 71,100 web pages (per Google, and if you remove the quotes the number is an only slightly more respectable 77,000)? “Hoosegow” deserves more love than that.

And what constitutes a homosexual act? If you’re a guy in Senegal and you attempt to watch Funny Girl, is that enough to land you in the joint? (Watching Funny Lady would naturally carry a lengthier sentence.) Or what if a gay guy ties his shoes, is that a gay act? I was gay this morning when I made the bed and fed the cat. I was gay a few minutes ago when I signed for a UPS package. How many years in a Senegalese prison is that good for?

And another reminder: Stay away from Nigeria and Gambia while you’re at it. From the New York Times:

Antigay sentiment has been on the rise across Africa in recent years. Nigeria’s Parliament tried to pass a law last year that would restrict the rights of homosexuals to even meet to discuss their rights. Gambia’s president threatened to behead any homosexuals found in his country. And even in Senegal, one of the most liberal and tolerant countries in Islamic Africa, tensions over homosexuality have been on the rise.

Makes our homophobic Republican politicians seem Kathy Griffin league gay-friendly in comparison, doesn’t it? At least they’ll sit down and chat with known homosexuals without decapitating them or having them arrested.

Let’s Get Something Straight (So to Speak): Stop Trying to Make “Celesbian” Happen

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On January 4, 2009

In In the News

Rachel Griffiths and Toni Collette ABBA it up in Muriel’s Wedding.

Celesbianism was not the buzzword of 2008, and don’t let the Australians, who spend all their time shoplifting and listening to ABBA records*, tell you otherwise. The “celesbianism” movement is as dumb as the “gayelle” revolution. If we have to talk about this subsection of the gay community at all, let’s stick to fauxmosexual, another word the Australians, who spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about how to best label seemingly bisexual female celebrities, recently promoted.

*During the course of my previously mentioned vacation, which is now drawing to a close, I saw Muriel’s Wedding, and I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to say “You’re terrible, Muriel” ever since. So far nothing has presented itself, but I remain optimistic about what the coming week might have in store.

It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane, It’s … William Hurt?

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On January 3, 2009

In In the News

Hurt, all dolled up with no place to go, in Kiss of the Spider Woman.

Who knew William Hurt was so gabby? (Or that he calls Glenn Close “Glennie”?) He’s been one of my favorite actors since the first time I saw Body Heat on TV as a kid, but I had no idea the guy talked this much — or that he has a role on the upcoming second season of the FX show Damages.

When Dave Itzkoff of the Times asked him about it and what it was like to reunite with his Big Chill costar Close, his long-winded answer kicks off with a “Yeah, you know. You get older and people start passing away.” That’s a bit of a Macon Leary thing to say, isn’t it? As I read it, I imagined Kathleen Turner’s character from The Accidental Tourist getting pissed off and leaving a second time.

Say What?

By

On January 2, 2009

In In the News

The characters in Maurice tried to fight their gay “temptations,” and we all know how that turned out.

I kept waiting for this article to take an Onion-esque turn, but… no. I mean, WTF? Is it really considered newsworthy when a “religious gay man” promotes celibacy in an article that was posted to his personal blog after it was rejected for publication elsewhere? I don’t know what made my head hurt more, Ed Pacht’s blog post or Kilian Melloy’s regurgitation of it.

Here is a sampling of Pacht:

I have been strongly urged to forget my inhibitions and live the ‘gay’ lifestyle, and I have felt the rejection that arises when I admit what temptations it is that I experience, especially when I admit that, though I have never had improper dealing with a minor, my attraction is far stronger toward boys than toward men.

That’s major “oy vey” material right there, is it not?

And then with Melloy it’s all “Pacht describes,” “added Pacht,” “Pacht writes,” “Pacht wrote,” “wrote Pacht,” “declared the writer,” “continued Pacht,” blah, blah, blah. We get it! It’s all Pacht, all the time. (There’s also “Pacht went on to suggest,” “for his own part, Pacht wrote,” “Pacht went on to write,” “Pacht stated” and “summarized the writer.”) Except the guy’s not freakin’ Tolstoy, and he wrote nothing to merit all of that space.

There wasn’t even an attempt by Melloy to analyze any of the things Pacht wrote, described, declared, continued, suggested, stated, etc. No pithy asides or anything. You can’t let a guy tell gay Anglicans to stop sucking cock without at least attempting a pithy aside! I’d give it a go myself (the pithy aside thing, that is; the oral-sex-with-guys shebang is something I’ll leave to my gay male brethren just as God intended), but my own background is more of the Reform Judaism variety, which leaves me ill-equipped to deal with this sort of thing. Our religious leaders, despite their lingering obsession with foreskin, tend not to be so hung up on what we do with our genitals.

The Obligatory Usher Post

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On June 18, 2008

In In the News

Usher: Smokes large phallic objects, then performs in Broadway’s Chicago

When MediaTakeOut reported earlier this week that Usher, the abs-of-steel-having singer and actor, was a homophobic twit, I didn’t pay too much attention to it. It didn’t seem possible that he could really be that stupid. He’s been in show business for a very long time; surely he must know, and be friends with, gay people. But several days have passed and, as far as I can tell, no one in Usher’s camp has stepped forward to refute these quotes from Vibe magazine:

“It can never be bad to have a foundation as a man—a black man—in a time when women are dying for men. Women have started to become lovers of each other as a result of not having enough men.

“Are you not studying the stories? Wake up! Black love is a good thing.”

usher to vibe magazine

While I agree with Usher that Black love is a good thing (though I’m not sure he’d have phrased it quite like that had he known it would make him sound like Martha Stewart), I don’t know what stories he’s talking about. Perhaps there’s more to the quote that the full article will explain. And I’m not sure what he means by having a foundation as a man. Is he talking about cosmetics?

On second reading, what really struck me about Usher’s remarks was how they sort of echoed sentiments expressed in a now-infamous sermon delivered by Reverend Willie “Membranes” Wilson of the Union Temple Baptist Church in Washington, DC in 2005. (Warning: Link goes to a YouTube page with very explicit audio content.)

Wilson had a lot to say about homosexuality, particularly gay sex (what is it about religious types that they can’t stop thinking about hot, sweaty, naked man-sex and toy-inclusive girl-girl action?)—and his straight son’s difficulty in finding a prom date who doesn’t TiVo The L Word. But mostly he rails against the social ills he thinks are driving women to lesbianism, which he apparently imagines is sweeping the nation like a dance craze. At one point he tells his congregation that it’s “about to take over our community.” Later, he shouts “It’s destroying us!”

Lest anyone get the wrong impression of him, Wilson takes pains to clarify that he’s in no way a bigot, saying, “I ain’t homophobic, because everyone in here got something wrong with ’em.” While there’s no way of knowing from those Vibe quotes just how kooky Usher is about the gay thing, I have to say I’m disappointed in him.

I thought he had something real with Ellen, but if he possibly thinks she’s only with Portia because of a shortage of good men (it’s unclear from the MediaTakeOut blurb whether he attributes lesbianism among white women to other factors), that’s some crazy shit. Maybe what he meant to suggest is that women are becoming lovers of other women because the bees are disappearing. At least a bee mention would indicate he’s living in 2008 instead of 1950.

Monday Morning Short Cuts

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On January 28, 2008

In In the News

Julie Christie looked great at the SAG Awards last night, just as you’d expect. Equally unsurprising, Juno star Ellen Page was born without the dress posture gene:

“Why, yes, I used to play team sports.”

Five minutes with John Travolta would change all of that, but it’s imperative she bring along someone who can yank her out of the room when the E-meter comes out. I volunteer Diablo Cody.

Is Hayden Panettiere the new Jane Fonda? (These Washington Post reporters are referring to her activism, of course. While my exposure to Heroes is limited, I did catch Panettiere in Raising Helen and I don’t think we’ll be seeing her in a remake of Barbarella or Klute or Tout va bien.)

In an interview with New York Magazine, Clay Aiken forgets that he isn’t Lucinda Williams and journalist/fellow lesbian Ariel Levy isn’t Bill Buford as he plays up the Southern shtick. What you’ll learn, if you can hang with the Aiken for four excruciating pages, is approximately this: he’s a Democrat now, a shameless self-promoter, and he “has never had a romantic relationship with anyone, unless you count the girls he took to dances back in high school in Raleigh.” Sounds perfect for Raúl Esparza.

Reviews of Shelby Lynne’s Just a Little Lovin’ are coming in, and you can read them here and here. If you’re looking for Lynne’s contentious Advocate interview, we’ve got the scoop.

The Times points out that Democratic candidates Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, and Barack Obama have identical opinions on gay rights issues, while fear-mongering Republicans continue to pander to bigots.

Margo Bennett, the former lover of crazy lesbian novelist Patricia Cornwell, is blabbing about their relationship—you know, the one that made headlines when Bennett’s husband hatched a murderous plot that landed him behind bars—in an upcoming book called Twisted Triangle. In a passage that makes Cornwell’s schlocky prose sound downright Proustian in comparison, authors Caitlin Rother and John Hess write: “As they talked, Margo felt the blood coursing through her veins, very aware of the close proximity of her body to Patsy’s. It felt dangerous. Wrong. Thrilling.” Anyone else think this would make the perfect made-for-cable comeback vehicle for Kelly McGillis?

The Week in Gay News

By

On January 12, 2008

In In the News

Because posting a photo of Anderson Cooper would have been too easy.

We’ve already heard about Dykes on Bikes, Stephen Fry kicking ass, and lesbian American Gladiators this week, so here are a bunch of other gay stories that were in the news:

Millionaire Gerurdas Gerrit Heijne has been charged with murdering his partner, Frank Cianciosi, in their Perth penthouse.

Wacky pastor Ken Hutcherson is gaining allies in his bizarre fight/shameless publicity stunt against Microsoft, a company he has criticized for their lack of homophobic practices.

The Daily Mail published a characteristically salacious account of lesbian rugby player Elaine Grant’s suicide.

In England, school officials have denied charges that 14-year-old student Belinda Allen’s suicide was motivated by homophobic bullying at the hands of her classmates.

Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul’s history of racism and homophobia finally caught the attention of CNN.

In Brazil, a transgender hairdresser and her partner lost custody of their adopted baby because of a homophobic government official.

A Russian court has declined to press charges against gay rights activists, including Moscow Pride organizer Nicolas Alexeyev, who were detained while protesting against homophobic politicians during a December election.

Ralph Becker, the new mayor of Salt Lake City, Utah, has proposed a domestic partner registry that will be voted on by city council later this month. If Bill Henrickson and his wives really existed, they’d probably be scandalized by this. (With the possible exception of Margene, who wouldn’t mind registering with Ana.)

In Maryland, domestic partnerships have been defined and Republicans aren’t happy. However, it is important to note that most Republicans have been unhappy since Showtime canceled Queer as Folk, thus making it harder for them to get their weekly dose of gay action without having to intercept credit card bills so their wives don’t Google Sean Cody.

In Sydney, Australia, police have been accused of ignoring a rash of anti-gay hate crimes.

Finally, Kevin Spacey hasn’t tried his hand at writing or directing since Beyond the Sea flopped, but I think I’ve found the perfect story for him to option:

A gay man who had sex on the beach with three male prostitutes but was unable to pay was robbed of his cellphone and wallet, it was alleged in the Cape Town magistrate’s court on Thursday.

Court officials battled to keep straight faces as self-confessed prostitutes Reagon Adonis, 23, Steven November and Jamie Lee Davids, both 20, told of their experience with a client, Marius Jacobs.

They pleaded guilty to a charge of robbery, but magistrate Ingrid Freitag changed their pleas to not guilty after hearing their story.

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