Look what the homosexuals have done to me!

Category: Books

A List of Things Susan Lucci Finds Glamorous

Last month, we embarked on what I called a beautiful literary journey through the life of Susan Lucci. Having recently written about several of her made-for-TV movies (with more reviews still to come)and having been an All My Children viewer during the days of Erica Kane’s daughter Bianca’s overwrought coming-outI was curious about her 2011 memoir, All My Life.

It’s a guarded autobiography, padded by flowery, repetitious gushing (about everyone from Regis Philbin and Marvin Hamlisch to private drivers and her family’s treasured nanny) that holds readers at arm’s length. She references this in the first chapter of the book, when discussing her roots:

I believe in mystery. I am drawn to it and am very comfortable being surrounded by it. Maybe that is part of why I chose to keep an air of mystery over my own life as I stepped into the limelight years later. Maybe.

susan lucci, all my life: A memoir

At times her relentless cheerfulness, humility and gratitude lend the volume a MadLibs quality. The word “wonderful” appears at least 35 times; “beautiful” 25. Here is a full accounting of things she calls “gorgeous”:

Beloved Superstar Loni Anderson

Loni Anderson poses belovedly on the cover of her memoir.

You knew it was only a matter of time before I examined some Loni Anderson TV movie content here. It’s coming eventually and in the meantime I’m consulting her autobiography for relevant information about her non-WKRP work. Having tackled this very silly book several years ago (don’t ask), I hadn’t anticipated a full rereading of it. But could you resist this dust jacket?

She’s not only a superstar, she’s one of America’s most respected women.

My clearest memories of My Life in High Heels — the acrimonious Burt Reynolds split, a steamy night with John Gavin — aren’t safe for Sunday school. But perhaps there are other lessons I could learn from one of America’s most respected women, beloved superstar Loni Anderson. There’s only one way to find out.

RELATED: If your interest was piqued by the Hedy Lamarr book in the background, here’s an old post about it.

Hedy Lamarr’s Ecstasy and Me: WTF?!

Does Hedy Lamarr’s Ecstasy and Me: My Life as a Woman contain the oddest introduction and preface in the history of autobiography? Ostensibly penned by her physician (a move you’d expect from Elizabeth Taylor), the introduction reads more like the work of Dr. Spaceman from 30 Rock (a Dr. Spaceman, it should be noted, who is on his best behavior), leading one to wonder just what Lamarr was up to when she inked a deal with Bartholomew House Publishers for the 1966 book she later claimed was ghostwritten, not to mention “fictional, false, vulgar, scandalous, libelous and obscene.” Perhaps she was distracted while working on her night cheese?

Lamarr, an actress better known for her beauty than her craft, had a turbulent personal life and rocky Hollywood career. Today she is best remembered as the co-inventor of spread spectrum technology, an innovation that paved the way for cellphones and wi-fi, but for many years her biggest claim to fame was her erratic behavior: she married often, dabbled in shoplifting (for which she was busted twice, once in the ’60s and again in the ’90s) and was litigious to the nth degree. Nearly 50 years after its first printing, Ecstasy and Me remains a lurid curiosity among celebrity tell-alls for its focus on the more, uh, sensual side of Lamarr’s life (her “life as a woman,” you see), and the introduction is intended to supply the whole sordid affair a veneer of respectability. Let’s take a look at it, shall we?

INTRODUCTION

I have been a physician for many years, treating many Hollywood personalities including Hedy Lamarr. I have come to the conclusion that in most cases there are enough demands and pressures on stars to cause any and every kind of physical breakdown.

An actress such as Miss Lamarr, who spent some thirty years in the hub of motion picture production and raised three children as well, can be thankful she survived the rough and treacherous grind at all.

Pills and alcohol are of temporary help for some motion picture stars in the battle against pressures, but the antidote is often worse than the poison.

Consider a Marilyn Monroe or a Dorothy Dandridge who may take an overdose of pills, whether accidentally or not. Or a Judy Garland who attempts suicide. It could be that their momentary depressions would pass and they would be happy the next day.

It is ironic that the very sensitivity required for talent is the cause of breakdowns.

Is there a real antidote for the kind of ambition that creates unquenchable drives? Yes. Though it may sound trite, other interests far removed from motion pictures can relieve the never-ending pressure.

It would seem to me that in this enlightened era, studio production heads would protect their valuable stars by making the filming of pictures easier for them. It may call for less shooting hours per dayin England there is no overtime workor better working conditions.

Stars have complained to me that much of their pressure, especially in television, builds up because scripts are usually being written and rewritten as they work. Certainly more expedient methods are possible without inhibiting the creative process.

From a medical point of view, I’d say that there are many important actressesand they are the most talented, and therefore the most susceptiblewho cannot, no matter how they are helped, withstand the nervous strain of picture making as it is done today. They should simply not be involved in it.

Now I’ve had my medical say. As for this book which I just finished reading, it is the most fascinating, revealing and honest life story I’ve ever read. It is a classic case of a talent who sacrificed the happiness of which she was capable, in exchange for fame and money. But then, who’s to say she was wrong?

j. lewis bruce, m.d.

“Who’s to say she was wrong?” indeed, Dr. Gossip (and no, Judy Garland wasn’t going to be happy the next day, not in a meaningful way, any more than Raymond Burr was going to be obese on a Thursday and slender by Friday). But wait, along comes the preface to make everything much weirder:

PREFACE

Whether in a passionate sexual encounter with a man who mistakes her for a prostitute, or in a cloak-and-dagger chase of high adventure, Hedy Lamarr’s responses as reported in ECSTASY AND ME appear to be blissfully unaffected by moral standards that our contemporary culture declares as acceptable.

She is an uninhibited spirit, unfettered by a code of conventional behavior, supremely conscious of the privilege and latitude the world bestows upon a superbly beautiful woman aware of her physical endowments.

ECSTASY AND ME is a story of the classic femme fatale for whom fame, fortune, and sexual excess are the inevitable fruits of great beauty on the make.

Miss Lamarr’s manifold sexual experiences, male and female, led her to the delightfully ingenuous self-prognosis that she is “oversexed.” Her admitted talent for quick and joyful orgasm indicates an uncomplicated natural sex response. Her curious search for new love-play settings and her candid delight in unexpected sexual episodes place her in a position of psychological unassailability. Not only does she possess a unique set of moral standards, but she expresses herself in a most intimate manner, in exquisite detail, and in the first person singular!

ECSTASY AND ME is an entrancing personal document as revealing as the contents of a girl’s locked diary. It is probably as good for Miss Lamarr’s psyche as it will be for many a guilt-ridden reader for whom this gutsy confessional may offer resultful therapy, if not instant emancipation.

philip lambert, psychologist

Dr. Philip Lambert, we’re told, was a Ph.D. who received his doctorate in Educational Psychology from the University of California (Berkeley) and was Chairman of the University of Wisconsin’s Instructional Laboratory and Director of its famed (according to Bartholomew Press) Synnoetics Center. That’s right, synnoetics. Google it and scratch your head.

In other words, he ejaculated mindless blather for a living and was trotted out like a William Castle gimmick to legitimize a salacious and most likely highly fictionalized account of a life that hardly needed any sensationalizing. And then, had he been a medical doctor, he might have made Hedy dance for happy shots or asked when medical science is going to find a cure for a woman’s mouthand it would still be less embarrassing than having your professional reputation attached to that strange preface.

P.S. Sadly I cannot, in the first person singular, report having been visited by feelings of “instant emancipation” after reading Ecstasy and Me, but I do seem to recall a Hilary Mantel piece in the London Review of Books about the erotic awakening she experienced after reading Florence Henderson’s autobiography, so if that’s what you’re after you might consider looking there.

Adventures in the Phil Andros Book Trade

Rare hardcover Guild Press edition of Stud by Phil Andros.

Considered objectively, the bed is a lonely battleground for attack and siege, assault and penetration. Of the two in combat, one is the victor, another the conquered. And once you are engaged on this battlefield, locked in mortal struggle until the miracle of the orgasm separates you from your opponentyou are absolutely alone.

phil andros, h2

Oh, he was apple-cheeked and black-haired and heterosexual, and I hated his gah-damned guts!

phil andros, the poison tree

Last year, after reading Justin Spring’s Secret Historian: The Life and Times of Samuel Steward, Professor, Tattoo Artist, and Sexual Renegade, I was so captivated by the unusual life of its subject that I began to hunt for his fiction: the hustler-centric gay erotica he’d written as Phil Andros and two mystery novels published as Samuel Steward that featured his friends Gertrude Stein and Alice B. Toklas as sleuths (the irresistible title of one: Murder Is Murder Is Murder).

When, after weeks of waiting, a cheap copy of STUD appeared online, I pounced. I expected to receive a 1980s paperback collection of short stories originally published in magazines in the early ’60s. What arrived instead was a hardcover of an earlier vintage, dust jacket still intact. The spine said “Guild Press.”

Steward’s unhappy experience with Guild Press and H. Lynn Womack, the interesting man who oversaw it, was still fresh in my mind from Secret Historian. Womack, described by Spring as “a heavyset Caucasian albino from a tenant-farming family in Hazelhurst, Mississippi,” had extensive business interests in the legally dicey publication and distribution of gay pornographic books and homoerotic physique magazines. Of his business entanglement with Steward, Spring wrote:

The situation with Womack and Guild Press was indeed about as bad as a book-publishing experience can be. Steward had expected $TUD would be published and available just a few months after his arrival in Berkeley, but Womack’s legal troubles were so severe that he had retreated into a psychiatric ward at St. Elizabeth’s Hospital in Washington, D.C., in order to avoid his creditors. From his improvised office in the hospital Womack could continue to run his business without restriction, but he had no money, and so $TUD was stuck in the warehouse without a binding. For the next three years Womack would evade all communication with Steward, leaving Steward unable to buy back the rights to his manuscript and incapable of publishing it elsewhere. Had the book been published in a timely manner, it might well have been recognized as a breakthrough in erotic publishing. But it had not been, and it would not be.

justin spring, secret historian: the life and times of samuel steward, professor, tattoo artist, and sexual renegade

Almost 50 years later, here was this doomed volume right in front of me. The surprises continued when I opened the book only to find that Steward himself had written inside of it.

Surprise inscription from Phil Andros in a Guild Press edition of STUD.

The inscription reads:

For Felice — a success, but the worst thing about that is you have to keep on being it. 

Phil Andros

Remember that hot night on top of the Empire State?

phil andros

Is there a better way for an author to sign a book than “Remember that hot night on top of the Empire State?” I’m going to do it one day just for kicks, bewildering a stranger in the process, as a way of honoring Sam, who died in 1993. It’s either that or start throwing gay sex parties at my house (a Steward specialty), and I don’t really have the physical equipment or social stamina for thator a stylish enough slipcover to preserve the integrity of my couch.

A Terribly Important Quote from Edie: An American Girl

As a companion piece of sorts to “A Touching Tale of Truman Capote’s Hatred of Gore Vidal,” I submit without comment my favorite quote from another George Plimpton oral history:

“I can tell you, I’m nearly the last person in the world who
would ever consider doing a sex scene for a movie in a rubber raft in the middle of an indoor swimming pool at the health club.  But that’s the way we wound up with it.”

Richie Berlin in Edie: An American Girl, by Jean Stein and George Plimpton

Wait, I lied, I do have a comment: If you read their autobiographies, a lot of DeMille actresses shared similar stories. 

Inside Rielle Hunter’s Illicit Love Affair with Salad

Ahem: “John Edwards, Salad, and Me.”

If you were unfortunate enough to read Rielle Hunter’s What Really Happened: John Edwards, Our Daughter, and Me (I didn’t have much choice; some things in life are beyond our control), the first thing you probably noticed is that she’s an absolute idiot. The second is that she loves salad.

With each new chapter of this slender but not slender enough volume, it seems she’s traveling to yet another dreary hotel for an assignation with Edwards. (She calls him “Johnny” almost as relentlessly as she eats salad, for “Johnny” is what’s on his birth certificate and thus most representative of his true self. If you search the Kindle edition of her book for “Johnny,” the device will pant and wheeze before the results exceed 500 and it stops counting.) He is so busy with campaign commitments and marital spats that a bored Hunter has no choice but to console herself with salad. Lots of salad.

Let’s stroll with her down a lettuce-strewn memory lane, shall we, and revisit these tender scenes from her past.

A Touching Tale of Truman Capote’s Hatred of Gore Vidal

I was on the set one morning when a chandelier fell and crashed a foot away from Truman. He chuckled. He said, “I guess Gore Vidal is in the wings!”

george christy on murder by death

Whatever your opinion of Truman Capote, you have to admit there was something inspiring about his passionate (and famously mutual) hatred of Gore Vidal. That is partly because, no matter your opinion of Gore Vidal, you have to admit that he was one of the premier trolls of the pre-Internet age. He out-Weeved Weev just by waking up each day.

If you want to read about the myriad ways in which Capote and Vidal were assholes, or the terrible things they said about each other, you could probably spend a few hours devouring articles with titles like “Gore Vidal, No Greater a Hater Than He” and “Gore Vidal’s Bitter Feuds” and each might contain a few insults that are new to you.

One of my own favorite anecdotes never seems to make the cut, and so I’m reproducing it here as a public service. Like the George Christy tale above, it’s recounted in George Plimpton’s engrossing Truman Capote: In Which Various Friends, Enemies, Acquaintances and Detractors Recall His Turbulent Career, and it’s beautiful.

New Julie Andrews Bio Doesn’t Address Burnett Rumors

Blake Edwards loves a woman with a cigar.

The reports are in, and the only lesbian relationship that Dame Julie Andrews, everyone’s favorite singing nun and medicine-peddling nanny, cops to in her new autobiography, Home: A Memoir of My Early Years, is her lengthy marriage to filmmaker Blake Edwards. As Daily Mail writer Michael Thornton recounts for anyone who has been cryogenically frozen for the last forty years and isn’t aware of rumors that romantically linked Andrews to her BFF Carol Burnett:

Just before she left the Broadway cast of Camelot, Andrews filmed a TV special with the American actress and comedienne Carol Burnett, her closest friend. It was titled Julie and Carol at Carnegie Hall.

Two-and-a-half weeks later, Andrews discovered that she was pregnant. When her daughter, Emma Walton, was born on November 27, 1962, Carol Burnett became her godmother. But was she also a lover?

This is the extraordinary suggestion which has found its way onto the internet, a rumour that in fact goes back as far as 1965, the year in which Andrews made The Sound of Music.

On January 18 of that year, prior to their appearance on stage at President Lyndon B. Johnson’s Inaugural Gala, Julie Andrews and Carol Burnett were observed kissing passionately in public in a Washington hotel.

The clinch, which both women later claimed was a stunt staged to amuse their friend, actor and movie director Mike Nichols, was witnessed by the President’s wife, Lady Bird Johnson, who unexpectedly stepped out of the hotel elevator at that moment.

This incident, sadly, is missing from Dame Julie’s new book, in which she says of her chum Carol, “I loved all that she was, all that she exuded — we bonded instantly,” adding: “I lost my own inhibitions and felt free beside her.”

“And I loved making her yodel like Tarzan in bed,” the passage most assuredly does not continue.

Why hasn’t the whimsical “We were doing it to amuse Mike Nichols” defense caught on, by the way? I’ll do my best to use it next time I’m caught in a compromising position, but can you imagine if federal agents had approached Eliot Spitzer and “Kristen” about their hotel room tryst and they both replied, “Oh, that? We were doing it for Mike Nichols. He loves that kind of stuff!” (Better yet, what if the agent countered, “We’ve already talked to Mike Nichols, sir, and he was in Los Angeles the night of your appointment.” To which Spitzer would be forced to sputter, “Did I say Mike Nichols? I meant Elaine May.”)

P.S. Because no Julie Andrews item would be complete without it, here, once again, is a link to The Scene from The Sound of Music.

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén