I’ve watched this clip of Sarah Palin trying to explain her foreign policy experience to Katie Couric twice now, and I’ve read the transcript more times than that, and I still don’t know what the hell she’s saying. All I got out of it is that Sarah Palin can’t form a complete sentence, and that I’ve heard drunken winos — and Tracy Morgan — make more sense than this elected official who somehow ended up the Republican vice presidential candidate.

For example, what’s this business about “our next door neighbors,” which are “foreign countries,” being in Alaska? My elementary school must have had really crappy geography textbooks, because I thought Anchorage and Juneau were in Alaska. I didn’t realize foreign countries were also wedged into the state.

Makes all those stories my grandparents used to tell me about their grandparents fleeing to the U.S. from Imperial Russia to escape anti-Semitism seem kind of meaningless, doesn’t it? Turns out they were in “the state that [Palin is] the executive of” all along. And Canada? Also in Alaska. My sister, a baby dyke who’s obsessed with Tegan and Sara, and Canada by extension, will be disappointed to hear that. She was looking forward to visiting Montreal one day and it might dampen her enthusiasm to learn she’ll really just be going to Fairbanks.

Palin’s comment about Vladimir Putin and how he “rears his head” in Alaska by coming into their airspace is equally fascinating. Hopefully Couric followed it up with questions about whether he does so in a helicopter with Natasha Fatale at his side. If Palin answered yes, that raises all kinds of other questions, like why she hunts moose when we need Bullwinkle to thwart the Russians, and whether she advocates aerial squirrel gunning. If Bullwinkle must die to make burgers for Bristol and Trig, we at least need assurance that Rocky is safe.