Cranky Lesbian

Look what the homosexuals have done to me!

Author: Cranky Lesbian Page 26 of 54

Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.

“Anyone Had Any Dirty Phone Calls Lately?”

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On August 27, 2009

In LGBT Actors

“Anyone had any dirty phone calls lately?” Apparently that’s what a lascivious John Gielgud would be asking if he were still alive. Since he’s dead as dead can be, I’ll ask instead: Anyone had any dirty phone calls lately? I haven’t.

A few days ago I picked up on the third or fourth ring and was greeted by heavy breathing that was ultimately revealed as the work of my grandfather, who sucks in air like Darth Vader over the phone (when he isn’t coughing and loudly repeating everything he’s told to my poor, disinterested grandmother). Was I disappointed? Perhaps, but only a little. You never know what obscene phone calls tomorrow might bring, and I’m always hoping for something that mirrors the famous “212 Fuck You” exchange from Serial Mom.

Anyway, writer Michael Thornton wants everyone to know that Gielgud was a dirty birdy (TM Misery) who liked younger men, didn’t practice monogamy (is that like practicing the clarinet—the longer you do it, the better you get?), and (presumably) whacked it to pictures of a nude Iggy Pop. And then told Judi Dench about it, perhaps.

The Classiest Gay Nuptials of All Time

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On August 26, 2009

In Bad Decisions

Right here. When my girlfriend (who recently told me to get off my lazy ass and update this motherfucking blog already, but in a less Samuel L. Jackson-ish tone than that) and I get married, that’s the first thing we’re going to do: hit a guy with a shoe, both of us, so we can honeymoon in a luxurious prison cell that boasts amenities like a creaky cot and a toilet that hasn’t worked since 1973. Truth be told, I’d rather spend a week in France or go to a quiet bed and breakfast for a few days, but she’s a Roger Corman fan and you know how he romanticized women’s prisons…

Shock of Shocks: Another Boy Band Member Comes Out

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On July 13, 2009

In Outings

Duncan James of the British band Blue has come out as bisexual (warning: the link will take you to a trashy UK tabloid website that will hurt your eyes and possibly your intellect). The best part of any pop idol coming out is always reading the comments his borderline-illiterate fans make online afterward (witness the reactions of Claymates to Clay Aiken coming out here), so let’s sample some of the reaction to his announcement:

“this news is brill!!!!”

“NO, NOT DUNCAN!!! I loved him, OMG! I was a huge fan! What i can say? It shouldn’t be this way. What is happening? I don’t think being Bi is a good thing….”

“no such thing as bisexual. you smoke a pipe – youre gay. end of!”*

“It was SO obvious!!!”

“Well as Duncan is always walking up and down Compton Street in London’s gay village, there was no shock to this news.”

“absolute filth. You should be locked up for putting women at risk from your dirty sordid antics. mind you, you would probably enjoy dropping the soap in the showers!!! disgusting human being”

“you seem like a top bloke mate that’s all that matters well done for being brave and talking about it good luck”

Overall, there were lots of “Duh!” responses, which makes a modicum of sense if you’re familiar with the hair and posture (more pictures here) of this particular boy bander. Honestly, I found the reactions to be disappointing, perhaps because Blue hasn’t been relevant for years. What I’d really like to happen in the near future, just to see if the Internet can withstand it, is for a current heartthrob with mass tween and teen appeal—a Daniel Radcliffe or Robert Pattinson—to come screaming out of the closet. If that could be timed for December, it would make for the greatest holiday season ever.

*Presumably that doesn’t apply to lesbians.

The Obligatory “OMFG, Federer!” Post

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On July 6, 2009

In Tennis

Back in May*, I asked if eight greater words than “Federer stuns clay king Nadal in Madrid final” had been written all year. That’s a distant memory now, with the French Open in the rearview mirror, and this evening I saw a ten-word proclamation that must certainly qualify as the best headline I’ve read all year (other than “Palin Resigns”): “Roger Federer confirms he is greatest ever in wonderful finale.” To my father, who has been antagonizing me since Federer’s bout with mono last year by saying at the start of every tournament that his best playing days are behind him: you can shut up now.

*I know, I know, what happened to June? Your guess is as good as mine.

This Just In: Gay Men and Straight Men Can Be Friends!

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On June 27, 2009

In In the News

You can read all about it in the New York Times, where this is apparently news — three pages worth of it — to some people.

The Eight Greatest Words Written So Far This Year?

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On May 17, 2009

In Tennis

Are the eight greatest words written so far this year, “Federer stuns clay king Nadal in Madrid final” — my vote is yes.

A Heartwarming Mother’s Day Post

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On May 11, 2009

In Stories of Triumph and Inspiration

Not to spoil the movie or anything, but Gwyneth Paltrow’s head is in that box.

My dear, dear mother doesn’t know about this blog (my siblings give her enough to be distraught about as it is), but should she ever learn of it, one of the first things she’d do is search for mentions of herself — to see if she has grounds for a libel suit. Well, Mom, you’re going to have to find another reason to sue me, because I only talk smack about you in private, and I’m only mentioning you now so I can tell you Happy Mother’s Day and have it recorded for Internet posterity.

Thank you for never having any freak-outs about wire hangers, and for never starring in Trog. To the extent that I’m capable of loving anyone, I love you, and I’m sorry for writing that salacious tell-all in the ’70s. Next time I’m mad at you about something, I’ll sleep on it for a week or two before inking a book deal. And to anyone reading this who’s also a mom, provided you’re not the kind that gets calls from Child Protective Services, Happy Mother’s Day to you, too.

Would You Trust These Women With Your Children?

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On May 7, 2009

In LGBT Actors

More mothers would entrust their children to lesbians Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi than to Jennifer Aniston, international tabloid sensation “Brangelina,” and media titan Oprah Winfrey (whose omnipresent “best friend” Gayle King was not mentioned in the survey), according to a poll conducted by some website I’ve never heard of before.*

While this might seem mildly interesting on the surface — Ooh, heterosexuals trust the gays not to corrupt their children!—I think it’s important to remember that Jennifer Aniston has kissed women on TV (and appeared in a Melissa Etheridge music video) and is way too obsessed with her hair not to travel everywhere with at least one gay man.

For that matter, Angelina Jolie is rather famously bisexual, and there’s long been speculation that Oprah (whose South African school for girls is apparently a hotbed of sinister 1950’s-style predatory lesbianism, let us not forget) and Gayle conduct revealing interviews with each other’s genitalia during their famously Stedman-free sleepovers. In other words, those kids are gonna be around some degree of “the gay” regardless of who watches them.

(For the record, while I don’t have real children yet, my girlfriend and I have an imaginary son that I wouldn’t be opposed to letting DeGeneres and de Rossi babysit, but only if they promised not to pass him off to Ellen’s hairstylist’s family, à la lggy.)

* The Reuters website has been a bit unreliable for me today; if it doesn’t work for you, freakin’ Google the goddamn story. Don’t be lazy!

In Senegal, Even Dead Gay People Aren’t Safe from Persecution

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On May 4, 2009

In In the News

We’ve already established that in Senegal, there are few pastimes more popular than the irrational hatred of homosexuals. But Senegalese villagers recently took their maniacal homophobia to a depraved new low, exhuming the body of a young man from a Muslim cemetery not once but twice, and depositing his corpse in front of his parents’ house on the second occasion, because he was reportedly gay. How do you think the Westboro Baptist Church loons react when they read a story like that? Do they nod admiringly, or would even they agree that there are no words to describe such a ghoulish, hateful act?

Kelly McGillis, Another Person Everyone Already Knew Was Gay, Finally Comes Out of the Closet

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On April 30, 2009

In Outings

This time it’s former Amish widow-turned-civilian astrophysics instructor Kelly McGillis who has shocked absolutely no one by swinging open the closet door. My brother, who had a crush on her when he was a child who watched Top Gun incessantly (I still haven’t forgiven him for that), will be devastated.

Alas, that’s really no one’s fault but his own — I’ve spent the last 20 years telling him that McGillis, who hosts a yearly flag football tournament in Key West, Florida, is a gigantic lesbian and he never wanted to listen, not even when my parents added, “No, for sure, son, she’s super gay.” Now if someone could please reach her Accused costar and rumored ex-girlfriend Jodie Foster for comment on all of this, that would be fantastic.

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