This time it’s former Amish widow-turned-civilian astrophysics instructor Kelly McGillis who has shocked absolutely no one by swinging open the closet door. My brother, who had a crush on her when he was a child who watched Top Gun incessantly (I still haven’t forgiven him for that), will be devastated.

Alas, that’s really no one’s fault but his own — I’ve spent the last 20 years telling him that McGillis, who hosts a yearly flag football tournament in Key West, Florida, is a gigantic lesbian and he never wanted to listen, not even when my parents added, “No, for sure, son, she’s super gay.” Now if someone could please reach her Accused costar and rumored ex-girlfriend Jodie Foster for comment on all of this, that would be fantastic.