Richard Joseph Paul and Evan Handler in What If I’m Gay?

There comes a moment in What If I’m Gay?, a 1987 CBS Schoolbreak Special, when our teen jock protagonist — the one with gay pornography stashed in his bedroom, its walls adorned with posters of muscled male physiques as if he were Josh Hawley — questions how people know they’re gay. “How can anyone be sure?” he asks Allen (Evan Handler of Sex and the City), a dweeby heterosexual friend who is not yet romantically interested in girls.

For some of us, all it takes is renting the right Gina Gershon film at the age of 14 for those puzzle pieces to fall into place. Others tread more winding paths, like the curious Todd (Richard Joseph Paul) himself, a soccer team captain whose girlfriend has recently started to wonder, after a year of dating, why they never spend time alone. Surely he has some idea, between his choice of reading material and previous (offscreen) sexual encounters with a friend, but acknowledging it’s a struggle.

Richard Joseph Paul, Manfred Melcher and Evan Handler in What If I’m Gay?

“It’s like I have to play this part, be a real man, project this image that everybody expects me to be,” he laments. “But all the while, my feelings are pulling me in other directions. But I can’t let them, because everyone says it’s wrong.” Foremost among ‘everyone’ is his best friend, Kirk (Manfred Melcher), who spits homophobic slurs like “queer” and “fag” with a contempt Todd painfully amplifies once his own sexuality’s put under the microscope. His newfound machismo and virulent homophobia alienate both his girlfriend and Allen, whose uncle is openly gay.

Whether it’s Patty Duke beating her kid in Please Don’t Hit Me, Mom or Scott Baio hitting a bong in Stoned, it is the nature of the Afterschool Special to both show and tell as it educates viewers on the pressing social issues of the day. Unfortunately, What If I’m Gay?’s subject matter, and the era in which it was made, limit screenwriter Paul W. Cooper (Andrea’s Story: A Hitchhiking Tragedy) to telling, rendering Todd’s sexuality mostly theoretical. Sure, he’s permitted to make out with his girlfriend and even grimly attempts to initiate sex with her, but a lip-lock with Kirk is firmly off the table despite escalating tensions between them.

Evan Handler, Richard Joseph Paul and Ed Marinaro in What If I’m Gay?

Cooper and director Jeffrey D. Brown engage in some early subterfuge, hinting that it will be Allen, the most ‘different’ and sensitive of the male friends, whose homosexuality is revealed. Viewer speculation reaches a fevered pitch when the pals argue about pizza toppings: “Allen, nobody eats anchovies,” they protest. His defensive retort — “I know hundreds of mature individuals with sophisticated palates who love anchovies,” is strangely reminiscent of Dorothy Zbornak’s insistence years later that her cupcakes were moist and delicious — or maybe I spend too much time pondering The Golden Girls.*

Even if our attention wasn’t (mis)directed toward him, Handler would attract it; he’s the most charismatic member of the film’s cast, playing its only developed or interesting character. Paul and Melcher share some chemistry, and a last-minute revelation in a fight between Todd and Kirk won’t surprise anyone who’s paid attention, but the dialogue is too comically stilted to carry any real impact. By then, Ed Marinaro’s biology teacher, Mr. Powell, has already turned up for a PSA-ready exchange in which he assures Todd that “a very dignified and fulfilling” existence awaits him if he’s indeed a homosexual.

“I mean, you can live a great life,” he enthuses. “You can fall in love and you can be as happy as you want to be.” He explains that AIDS, which frightens Todd, “is not a gay plague. Straight people get it, too. It’s a sexually transmitted disease but if you’re responsible and you take the proper precautions, you don’t have to worry about that.” Marinaro (Dancing with Danger), a former football player whose underwear modeling and shirtless TV appearances put many young men in touch with their sexuality, was a fine choice to deliver that message, even if he sounds less like a guidance counselor than a tire salesman explaining mileage warranties.

* If we accept anchovies as an extended metaphor for homosexuality, we must reevaluate everything we know about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Are we ready as a society to have those conversations?

Streaming and DVD availability

What If I’m Gay? hasn’t been released on DVD, but you can watch it on YouTube, where the husband of the late William Deneen, one of its producers, appears in the comments to share a few details about Deneen’s life. You can read more about his fascinating career here.

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