Cranky Lesbian

Look what the homosexuals have done to me!

Tag: Tom Cruise

Is Elijah Wood Safe and Accounted For?

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On January 27, 2009

In Your Webmaster

Significant ice accumulation is expected in my neck of the woods tonight, which I’d normally welcome because I love horrible weather*, but I just saw The Ice Storm for the second time a few months ago when it was re-released on DVD and now I’m worried that my parents might be at a key party and my brother might accidentally drug Katie Holmes with sleeping pills intended for someone else.

The Katie Holmes thing is troubling because she’s probably already being drugged by Tom Cruise or someone on his payroll, and if the pills mix and they’re not supposed to she could break out in hives or grow a second head. (On the upside, having a second head might expand her dramatic range.) The key party possibility is especially disconcerting because, c’mon, they’re my parents, and just thinking about that makes me want to throw up more than anyone has ever thrown up in the history of the world. I’m not sure where I’m going with this, I think the moral is to never watch The Ice Storm if you live anywhere that might experience severe winter weather.

*When driving conditions are difficult everyone becomes anxious, and when people are anxious they’re more likely to be terse than chatty. Since I hate when people say things like “Good morning!” and “How are you?”, I wish everyone was terse all the time.

Tom Cruise Loves Heterosexual Man-Woman Sex, Hates Gays

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On January 13, 2008

In Written Word

“Damn, check out the ass on that guy girl.”

I don’t plan on reading Andrew Morton’s new Tom Cruise biography that comes out on Tuesday—and even if I did, I wouldn’t admit it here (the Internet lasts forever, you know)—but early reports of its contents suggest a comic masterpiece on par with David Sedaris’s best work. Sayeth the website Digital Sky in its sneak preview:

Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography claims the actor has chased women throughout his life.

Melissa Gilbert, who dated Cruise when he was 19 before being dumped for Heather Locklear, told Morton: “I can honestly say he’s a very sexual person. There was a lot of making out on the couch in my mom’s living room.”

One former date claimed he was homophobic after seeing his reaction to musical La Cage Aux Folles, saying: “Men dressed as women, he couldn’t handle it. We had to leave before the intermission. It really bothered him. He was definitely homophobic.”

Bert Fields, Cruise’s mega-lawyer, has called the book “outrageous, sick stuff,” and so far I’m inclined to agree. There has to be more to Gilbert’s couch story than Morton lets on, like maybe the room had such hideous window treatments that Tom was desperate for a distraction. Nor am I sold on the La Cage Aux Folles story, mostly because I have a hard time believing that someone so aggressively anti-gay would agree to star in Top Gun. (Or, you know, line up to see La Cage Aux Folles in the first place.)

Okay, so we know that dimwitted homophobic actors are occasionally tricked into playing gay roles or starring in films with a heavy gay subtext; we’ve all heard the Charlton Heston stories. But Top Gun is so spectacularly gay that even someone who believes in Xenu would pick up on the sexual tension between Maverick and Iceman, the special nature of Maverick’s relationship with the pornstachioed Goose, and the significance of Maverick’s love interest being a Kelly McGillis character named Charlie. It could only have been gayer if Bob Mackie designed the flight suits.

You can read more about Tom’s robust, lifelong appetite for heterosexual intercourse with biological women at Slate. I warn you, however, that it will leave a bad taste in your mouth, which is why I’m concluding this post with a photo of Tom’s former employee Penelope Cruz grabbing Salma Hayek’s ass to help cleanse your palate.

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