Cranky Lesbian

Look what the homosexuals have done to me!

Tag: Movies Page 2 of 5

Ah, Silly Rich People…

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On February 12, 2009

In Bad Decisions

Well, fine, I’d make an exception for Tony Manero.

I don’t know who the hell “charmingly loopy socialite” Arden Wohl is (Google says she likes the pot, but don’t all charmingly loopy socialites?), but I’d like to thank her for cracking me up with her comments to The Observer about a short film she made that stars Azura Skye and Leelee Sobieski:

In the dark, romantic fairy tale, the two women flirt, gaze at one another profoundly, fight, gaze some more, cry, gaze, cry, gaze. The whole thing concludes with a scene in which Ms. Sobieski may or may not have sex with Ms. Skye’s dead body.

“It’s based upon my personal experiences. My harrowing and complicated relationships with the people closest to me,” Ms. Wohl told the Transom. She was garbed in slim black pants, a frilly satin blouse and her usual eccentric headband.

Okay then! BTW, next week I’ll be screening a short film based on my own personal experiences. It will consist of two women sitting in awkward silence, occasionally grimacing and checking their watches, and conclude with one of them calling the other uncommunicative. The accusation will be met with more silence, but there’s a moment of suspense and ambiguity at the very end when the other woman finally looks like she’s going to open her mouth. Is she about to speak, or simply sigh?

Critics will spend decades getting into passionate arguments about it in the pages of Cahiers du cinéma and Sight & Sound. There won’t be any necrophilia (Lynne Stopkewich pretty much cornered the market on that with Kissed), and anyone who shows up wearing an eccentric headband will be ordered to leave. You’ve been warned.

All the Young Dudes (Make Out With Each Other): Velvet Goldmine Gets the Shaft on DVD

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On February 7, 2009

In Home Video

“This was the best they could do?!””

How is it possible that Todd Haynes’s Velvet Goldmine, which first came out on DVD in the U.S. 10 years ago, hasn’t been re-released with an anamorphically enhanced transfer? When I’m watching glam rockers played by Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Ewan McGregor paw at each other, it should go without saying that I want to see it in all its widescreen glory, dammit!

I felt cheated when I rented Goldmine last night (having wrongly assumed the DVD had been upgraded somewhere along the line) and was treated to such a shoddy transfer. Miramax would never neglect a Kevin Smith movie like this, and Kevin Smith movies tend to majorly suck. It’s a conspiracy, I tell you, and I’d call shenanigans if I knew shenanigans’ phone number.

Step Away from The Biggest Loser and Switch to TCM

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On February 3, 2009

In Great Moments in Cinematic History

As if to make up for last month’s ill-advised Ricardo Montalban marathon, Turner Classic Movies is showing The More the Merrier tonight as part of their 31 Days of Oscar: Urban Housing block of programming. Besides featuring one of Jean Arthur’s best performances, this George Stevens comedy about the housing shortage in World War II boasts one of the most romantic scenes I’ve ever seen in any movie, as a woozy Arthur tries to resist her attraction to one of her boarders (played by the always brilliant Joel McCrea). The scene is on YouTube — everything ever recorded in the history of the universe is apparently available on YouTube — but you have to see it in the context of the movie to get the full effect.

“We’re the Stains, and We Don’t Put Out”

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On January 31, 2009

In Tennis

Lady Gaga will revive this look any day now.

ESPN2’s live broadcast of the women’s final of the Australian Open doesn’t start until 3:30 a.m. ET, and having just finished listening to the audio commentary Diane Lane and Laura Dern provided for the DVD release of Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains (who knew Diane Lane said “Bless” so much?), I’m running out of things to do in the meantime.

The question, I suppose, is whether it’s worth staying up for the match, which will re-air at a more reasonable time later in the morning. Dinara Safina and Serena Williams are thrilling to watch when they’re in control of their heads, but what if only one of them shows up mentally today? It could make for a terribly boring one-sided match, and who wants to lose sleep to watch one of those — especially with Federer/Nadal coming up tomorrow night. I’m conflicted.

P.S. You know the only thing Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains was missing? Some Times Square-esque lesbian overtones. That the screenplay made that impossible by having all the band mates be related was kind of lame. Aren’t girl bands always better when one or two members give off a queer vibe? That’s the only reason I ever watched a Spice Girls music video: to gauge who fit the bill.

Vicky Cristina Ripoff!

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On January 28, 2009

In Home Video

Woody Allen and Tony Roberts never filmed a scene like this.

Shame on you, Allan Stewart Konigsberg, for being so stingy with the Scarlett Johansson/Penélope Cruz scenes in Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Don’t get me wrong, the movie was good, your best since Sweet and Lowdown. It’s just that a lot of us are still upset about Scoop and Cassandra’s Dream, and you could have tried a little harder to make it up to us.

Is Elijah Wood Safe and Accounted For?

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On January 27, 2009

In Your Webmaster

Significant ice accumulation is expected in my neck of the woods tonight, which I’d normally welcome because I love horrible weather*, but I just saw The Ice Storm for the second time a few months ago when it was re-released on DVD and now I’m worried that my parents might be at a key party and my brother might accidentally drug Katie Holmes with sleeping pills intended for someone else.

The Katie Holmes thing is troubling because she’s probably already being drugged by Tom Cruise or someone on his payroll, and if the pills mix and they’re not supposed to she could break out in hives or grow a second head. (On the upside, having a second head might expand her dramatic range.) The key party possibility is especially disconcerting because, c’mon, they’re my parents, and just thinking about that makes me want to throw up more than anyone has ever thrown up in the history of the world. I’m not sure where I’m going with this, I think the moral is to never watch The Ice Storm if you live anywhere that might experience severe winter weather.

*When driving conditions are difficult everyone becomes anxious, and when people are anxious they’re more likely to be terse than chatty. Since I hate when people say things like “Good morning!” and “How are you?”, I wish everyone was terse all the time.

Odd Decision of the Day

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On January 23, 2009

In Obituaries

TCM is inexplicably honoring terrible actor/”soft Corinthian leather” aficionado Ricardo Montalban with a seven-film tribute today. I fear this portends a full 24-hour block of William Shatner’s greatest non-hits when he kicks the bucket. Hopefully Shatner’s immortal and this will be a non-issue.

Where’s This Movie on DVD?

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On January 19, 2009

In Home Video

Reunited: The stars of Double Indemnity, minus Edward G. Robinson

Criterion will release a 2-disc edition of Douglas Sirk’s Magnificent Obsession tomorrow, which is all well and good (it’s been years since Criterion released All That Heaven Allows and Written on the Wind), but when is somebody — anybody — going to release There’s Always Tomorrow on DVD? It’s a Sirk film I’ve read wonderful things about but have never been able to see, and some of its posters (not the one pictured above, obviously) bore the tagline: “The dangerous years are those married years…When love is taken for granted!” How can you not release a movie with a tagline like that on DVD? Especially when it stars Barbara Stanwyck! That’s just criminal.

BTW, for anyone who finds this while searching the internet for information about a There’s Always Tomorrow DVD release, the film is currently available as part of Sirk collections that can be purchased from stores in France or Germany. But before you go looking either of them up on Amazon.fr or Amazon.de, make sure the discs are compatible with your viewing equipment. And note that neither comes with attractive artwork, which is just a slap in the face when you consider the cost of each set in U.S. dollars.

2020 “Cranky’s Editing Old Posts After Moving the Blog” Update: There’s Always Tomorrow was later release on DVD (and even Blu-ray) in the United States, both as part of a Stanwyck collection and in standalone format.

A Reason to Rent the Remake of The Women

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On January 14, 2009

In Home Video

Eva Mendes silently wonders, “What did Meg do to her face?!”

OK, so the movie isn’t particularly good. But it isn’t as bad as many critics made it out to be, mostly because Annette Bening and Jada Pinkett Smith can make anything watchable. It isn’t something I’d recommend to everybody, but for a certain segment of its potential audience (and by certain I mean lecherous), well, I think the screen grab speaks for itself.

It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane, It’s … William Hurt?

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On January 3, 2009

In In the News

Hurt, all dolled up with no place to go, in Kiss of the Spider Woman.

Who knew William Hurt was so gabby? (Or that he calls Glenn Close “Glennie”?) He’s been one of my favorite actors since the first time I saw Body Heat on TV as a kid, but I had no idea the guy talked this much — or that he has a role on the upcoming second season of the FX show Damages.

When Dave Itzkoff of the Times asked him about it and what it was like to reunite with his Big Chill costar Close, his long-winded answer kicks off with a “Yeah, you know. You get older and people start passing away.” That’s a bit of a Macon Leary thing to say, isn’t it? As I read it, I imagined Kathleen Turner’s character from The Accidental Tourist getting pissed off and leaving a second time.

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