Look what the homosexuals have done to me!

Tag: Family Drama Page 5 of 6

The Secret Night Caller: Psst—Mike Brady’s a Perv!

Robert Reed looks sinister in his car in an image from The Secret Night Caller.
Robert Reed plays a family man with a shameful compulsion.

The Secret Night Caller begins atmospherically enough. A woman walks home alone at night, carrying a grocery bag. She picks up the pace when passing a creepy man who smiles at her and then seems to follow her into the building. Inside her apartment, she locks the door with a sigh of reliefand, seconds later, the phone rings.

Before there was Scream‘s iconic opening scene, in which a mystery caller terrorizes Drew Barrymore’s character, there was this, in a 1975 made-for-TV movie. The woman picks up the receiver and is greeted by that scourge of the pre-caller ID era, the obscene caller. We only hear her side of the conversation: “Hello? Oh, yes, this is Charlotte, who’s this? Well, I’m fine, thank you, but who’s this? I’m sorry, could you speak louder? I can’t hear you.”

Charlotte (Arlene Golonka, of The Andy Griffith Show and Mayberry R.F.D.) grows dismayed, then hysterical. “What?! What did you say?! Hey! Hey, who is this? Who are you? No, stop that! Don’t talk like that! Oh, stop it, stop it!” she shrieks, dropping the phone. That’s how my wife typically reacts to fundraising calls from her alma mater, so it didn’t alarm me too much, but Charlotte’s fright is meant to be contagious.

In Thin Ice, Kate Jackson Romances Her Student

Screenshot of Gerard Prendergast and Kate Jackson in Thin Ice.
There’s probably more than one flagpole in this scene from Thin Ice.

Oh, the unexpected treasures that abound in Thin Ice, a strange little teacher-student romance that walked so A Night in Heaven (1983) could gyrate run. In this 1981 made-for-TV oddity you’ll look on, aghast, as Lillian Gish encourages her granddaughter, a high school teacher and Charlie’s Butchest Angel, to sleep with one of her students. You’ll stare in disbelief as a dead cat is placed on somebody’s doorstep, wearing a tiny bespoke noose. By the end, you’ll have no idea why anyone thought this was a good idea, but you may want to watch it again.

Betty White’s Zany Road Trip to Annie’s Point

Betty White poses for her mugshot in Annie’s Point.

If you ever wanted to see Betty White scam kids out of cash, go skinny-dipping, get arrested (and then break out of jail), gamble, and exclaim “Oh, poop!” at the sight of a law enforcement enforcer, today’s your lucky day! You can find it all in Annie’s Point, a 2005 Hallmark original movie about a widow’s determination to fulfill her husband’s dying wish.

Rue McClanahan’s Bit Role in Back to You and Me

Rue McClanahan embraces Lisa Hartman Black in Back to You and Me.

You never wake up thinking today’s the day you’ll enroll in a free weeklong trial of a Christian streaming service to watch a Lisa Hartman Black movie. (At least I don’t, but I’m an agnostic Jew.) This morning I thought I’d shred the pile of papers in my office or re-caulk around the basement windows. Then I read a synopsis of Back to You and Me and laughed. Hartman (Valentine Magic on Love Island), a fifty-ish woman in 2005, attending a 20-year high school reunion?! Rue McClanahan’s her estranged mother? This required investigation.

That’s how I came to subscribe to UP Faith & Family, joining via Amazon Prime for the free trial. My wife found this development mildly alarming. Her parents were religious fundamentalists who didn’t allow her to listen to secular music or play video games other than Joshua & the Battle of Jericho as a kid. (Mavis Beacon also taught her to type; her dad misrepresented it to her as a video game.) They rejected most TV shows as unwholesome, with permissible fare including Touched by an Angel. An inspirational streaming service must have triggered flashbacks.

Bernadette Peters’ Lesbian Turn in Bobbie’s Girl

Bobbie's Girl screen cap of Bernadette Peters crying
Rachel Ward and Bernadette Peters contend with cancer in Bobbie’s Girl.

Having Bernadette Peters as your whimsical lesbian aunt sounds great on paper, but Bobbie’s Girl might make you rethink that. Here her whimsy is such that it can’t be contained even as she tells her 10-year-old nephew his parents are dead. Addressing Alan (Thomas Brodie-Sangster) in the headmaster’s office of his boarding school, her Bailey Lewis somberly informs him “There’s been an accident.”

That’s as far as screenwriter Samuel Bernstein lets her get before she launches into one of her scatterbrained digressions. “That sounds funny, like some old mystery drama,” she babbles without awareness as a child, his life now changed forever, stares at her. They’ve never met before and her impulse is to play his parents’ death for yuks. Then she lets him drive her home since she’s a disaster behind the wheel.

Home is the Two Sisters bar in Ireland, owned by Bailey and her longtime partner Bobbie Langham (Rachel Ward). Bobbie is Alan’s biological aunt, who by her own admission never met him or gave his existence any thought. As Alan takes in the merry karaoke scene at the bar, Bailey broaches the subject of Bobbie’s brother and is again inexplicably tone-deaf.

Prostitution’s a Family Affair for Kristin Davis in The Ultimate Lie

Few premises are as perfect a fit for a TV movie as this one: a young woman working as an escort knocks on a john’s hotel room door — and it’s answered by her dad. That’s the setup for The Ultimate Lie, in which Kristin Davis plays Claire McGrath, a rebellious college dropout turned prostitute.

When Claire is sent for a date with “Harold,” her secret life intersects with that of her father, esteemed law school dean and whoremonger Malcolm (Michael Murphy). They stare at each other in horror for several seconds before a shaken Claire wordlessly leaves.

Schlocky Fatal Memories Trivializes Abuse

Dean Stockwell and Shelley Long in a scene from Fatal Memories (1992).

The best I can say about Fatal Memories (1992), a telefilm about recovered memories, is at least Shelley Long doesn’t have multiple personalities in it— watching her cry for 90 minutes as just one person is exhausting enough. (Masochists who want to see her grapple with that contentious diagnosis can consult the 1990 miniseries Voices Within: The Lives of Truddi Chase.)

Based on a controversial true story, Fatal Memories follows suburban homemaker Eileen Franklin Lipsker (Long, porcelain-skinned and chin quivering bravely throughout) as she recovers long-buried memories of an abusive childhood. The triggers can be as mundane as bathing or opening the refrigerator. Whatever your take on repressed memories, a once-popular concept that has since been scientifically discredited, I think we can agree this movie is best forgotten.

Joanna Kerns is Comic Perfection as Murderous Mother Knows Best

Joanna Kerns schemes in Mother Knows Best.

“Just call me and say ‘The carpet’s been cleaned,'” Celeste Cooper (Joanna Kerns) tells a hit man at the beginning of Mother Knows Best, after ordering the execution of her son-in-law. “I want whoever does this to be extremely careful,” she warns. “As careful as I am.”

Celeste, a socialite who is perfectly coiffed and manicured even while shopping for cheese, is indeed quite careful. So meticulous is this tireless fundraiser for charitable causes (recently honored as Handicapped Children’s Woman of the Year) that she times false accusations of assault against that same beleaguered son-in-law to coincide with her latest eye-lift.

In Change of Heart, Jean Smart’s Husband is a Gay Homosexual

Jean Smart and John Terry in Change of Heart.

Take a deep breath and prepare to clutch your pearls, because you will not believe what Jean Smart’s handsome doctor husband is up to in the 1998 Lifetime movie Change of Heart. I’ll give you a hint: it involves long-buried feelings and a penis not his own. This will be a long one (no pun intended) since gay made-for-TV movies were still quite a novelty in the ’90s.

Cheating with Jennie Garth is a Very Bad Idea in An Unfinished Affair

Jennie Garth will not be ignored in An Unfinished Affair.

Here we go again with Tim Matheson and adultery. Having learned nothing from all the rampant infidelity that claimed no fewer than three lives in The Woman Who Sinned, his Alex Connor in An Unfinished Affair (1996) didn’t just mess around on any wife, he cheated on a woman dying of cancer. His biggest mistake is also his greatest joy: she miraculously, as he calls it, recovered.

“I know I need to put on some more weight, but at least I didn’t lose my hair,” Cynthia (Leigh Taylor-Young) sheepishly tells him during one of their scenes of domestic idyll. He couldn’t be happier to have his wife back and has even decided to give up a teaching side gig to rededicate himself to marriage. Pleased, Cynthia admits, “I know it’s selfish but I want you all to myself.”

Does it make a ton of sense why he chose to scratch the teaching itch during the time he was most convinced his wife’s death was imminent? Of course not. But this is an exceptionally lazy screenplay (credited to Rama Laurie Stanger, later of Lifetime’s House of Versace, and Dan Witt) in need of a way to introduce the other woman, Sheila Hart (Jennie Garth), a graphic designer who took his class.

Page 5 of 6

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén