Rent-a-Cop: Burt and Liza’s Forgotten Masterpiece

The ’80s were a rough decade for Burt Reynolds and Liza Minnelli, with 1988 proving something of a nadir for them both. Not only was Rent-a-Cop a critical and commercial flop, Reynolds had a second bomb with Switching Channels less than two months later. Minnelli’s year was arguably more disastrous, resulting in a Worst Actress Razzie win for her work in Cop and Arthur 2: On the Rocks. All of this makes Rent-a-Cop sound somewhat better, and worse, than it actually is.

Before we get into the plot, let’s take a moment to remember a bit of ’80s movie trivia. Just weeks before Rent-a-Cop was given its ignominious January theatrical release, Nuts received a prestige December debut. Barbra Streisand played a hooker on trial for murder in that Martin Ritt film, an unsatisfying mess that nevertheless garnered a few Golden Globe nominations. I would argue that in the battle of prostitution movies starring non-competitive EGOT honorees, Minnelli made the more enjoyable picture.

Here she plays Della Roberts, a failed dancer turned call girl. “Hey, Della, what’s happening?” a hotel concierge cheerfully asks as she struts through the lobby in sequins and furs. (Her moves as she enters an elevator are uncomfortably reminiscent of Judy Garland, the latter years.) “Well, I don’t know yet,” she answers. “That depends on if my date wants his mommy, Little Bo-Peep, or Helga the Bitch Goddess!”

One hotel room mix-up later (she can’t read the number scribbled by her madam, Beth, who is played by Dionne Warwick) and she’s role-playing with a client when chaos erupts at a suite down the hall. A multimillion-dollar drug bust went sideways, with veteran police detective Tony Church (Reynolds) the lone survivor of a massacre. On his way out the gunman tries, and fails, to eliminate Della, the only witness who could identify him.

When Della, now disguised as a cross between Andy Warhol and my great-grandmother, next crosses paths with Church, he’s been fired and is working department store security in a Santa suit. Another attempt has been made on her life and she wants to hire Church to provide protection. It’s not an assignment he’s eager to take, until he loses his Santa gig following a confrontation with a shoplifter.

Roger (Richard Masur), an old buddy from the force, can relate to his financial desperation. He was once in Church’s shoes but now clears $8k a month selling Scentsy. OK, not really. Roger’s raking it in “doing a little of this and that” for “a guy I know.” But he’s not sure a straight arrow like Church is up for the work. As you can probably sense, the twists and turns of Rent-a-Cop are visible from outer space.

Reynolds made a million grim thrillers like this in the ’80s, one indistinguishable from the next. This one’s different. Like Burt and Liza themselves, it’s bawdy and offbeat. Church refers to his rookie replacement, Pitts (Robby Benson), as “diaper rash.” “A Darth Vader who blew everyone’s balls off in the hotel” is how Della describes Dancer, the madman on their trail. Enhancing the weirdness, James Remar plays his over-the-top villain straight.

Dancer, a former cop turned ruthless killer, dresses like a dystopian biker ahead of his flamboyantly choreographed murderous rampages. (I had some Lars von Trier/Dancer in the Dark jokes ready to go but this post is long enough already.) In his spare time, he dances. Della, wearing a wire beneath her shimmery evening gown, tracks him to a seedy club where Linda Lawley’s provocative “Night Stick” plays. (Sample lyric: “Hit me with your night stick.”)

Church listens from the car as she observes her surroundings: “Jesus, I got goosed by some guy dressed as Little Red Riding Hood!” (Odds on whether that happened to Minnelli at Studio 54?) Walking by gay men and a couple of lesbians, she homophobically mutters “Ugh, what a pig palace.” The only thing that might’ve made the moment more memorable was Charles Nelson Reilly, one of Reynolds’s closest friends, writhing as a shirtless muscle hunk.

Della is then propositioned by a man who asks “Hey, sweet lips, what you doing tonight? Me and my old lady are looking for a third.” She replies “Yeah, well try the Yellow Pages, asshole,” while Dancer burns up the floor with a sequined lady friend. And that’s when it happens, one of the most ridiculous moments in a movie full of them. A drag queen approaches right as Della’s about to nail Dancer. “I love your muff,” she says before snatching it and fleeing.

The commotion, which culminates in Della’s gun falling onto the dance floor, grabs Dancer’s attention. He finally succeeds in abducting her, and she tries to distract him with small talk about shaking a leg. “So, where’d you learn to dance?” she asks. “You’re good. I only ask because I used to dance. I did a lot of stock. You know, I was in Wish You Were Here, Pajama Game, Flower Drum Song, Damn Yankees.” He looks at her with disgust, spitting “Flower Drum Song? Shut up!”

There are several goofy moments like that in the bizarre screenplay, which was credited to Michael Blodgett (Lance Rocke in Valley of the Dolls) and Dennis Shryack. My favorite, perhaps, was when a character’s head is blown off and someone asks “Is he dead?” (The response: “He ain’t got no head.”) There’s also some trite cop dialogue, including the requisite “don’t be a hero” warning, and no small amount of banter between Della and Church.

It’s the pairing of Reynolds and Minnelli that endears Rent-a-Cop to me despite, or maybe because of, its shabbiness. “Hookers and baseball players. When their legs go, it’s time to get out,” Della tells Church. By this point in their careers, 13 years after costarring in Stanley Donen’s Lucky Lady, they were no strangers to tough times (each battled a painkiller addiction) or public ridicule. It’s a precipitous drop from Deliverance and Cabaret to something like Rent-a-Cop, but they took the work they were offered and still put in an effort—even when it was rewarded with Razzie nominations.

Streaming and DVD availability

Rent-a-Cop is available cheaply on DVD, in an ancient barebones Trimark edition. This would be a great film for a cult-oriented company like Shout! to recognize with a special edition release. I’m hopeful someone will give it an appreciative second look in the future.

You can stream it for free through the Hoopla app, if your library offers access, or snag a cheap digital rental or purchase through Amazon.

Update: On February 4, 2023, Kino Lorber Classics posted a notice on its Facebook page stating that Rent-a-Cop is coming soon on Blu-ray with a new HD master from a 4k scan of the original camera negative. I’ll post a purchase link as soon as I have one.

^{Disclosure: As an Amazon Associate I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases.}

… But wait, there’s more!

It’s tempting to use this space to discuss the boost Liza’s career was to receive in 1989 with the release of her wonderful Pet Shop Boys collaboration, Results. For brevity’s sake, I will instead link to a video of an unrelated song, her cover of Carly Shimon’s “You’re Sho Vain,” which was one of my first iTunes purchases nearly 20 years ago. Let it be our soundtrack as we flip through Burt’s autobiographies for Rent-a-Cop shout-outs.

In 1994’s My Life, Burt’s primary focus is his early career and tumultuous personal life. Rent-a-Cop is mentioned in passing, in the context of his mounting financial troubles (which he frequently pins on ex-wife Loni Anderson):

Money woes stayed with me. This is another book, but I got rid of some properties, and I grabbed whatever pictures were offered. Admittedly films like “Malone,” “Rent-a-Cop,” and “Switching Channels,” all made between the end of 1986 and the middle of 1987, boosted my bank account. But they were making me part of an endangered species: an old actor. However, there are times when you can be artistic, and times when you have to be realistic.

Burt reynolds, my life

My Life was published during his legendarily acrimonious divorce from Anderson. She published My Life in High Heels, a rebuttal of sorts, the next year. Not only does she provide some Lucky Lady gossip about Reynolds’s affair with Minnelli’s sister, Lorna Luft, she devotes a couple of pages to her own marital problems with Burt circa Rent-a-Cop. Let’s take a look:

In the fall of 1986 he went off to Rome to do “Rent-a-Cop” with Liza Minnelli. Robby Benson, Richard Masur, and Bernie Casey were in it, too. I had never been to Rome, so on one of my weeks off I flew over to be with him. The trip cost me eight thousand dollars of my own money—except for the first-date New Year’s Eve trip to Jupiter, I always paid my own way flying back and forth across the country—and all Burt did the entire time was rant at me: I didn’t appreciate him, I wasn’t grateful to him for everything he gave me.”

loni anderson, my life in high heels

The rest of that section is about their ensuing fight when she loses an expensive pair of leather gloves, so we’ll skip that and fast-forward to 2015, when Reynolds published But Enough About Me. First of all, they were still arguing about money. In a chapter about his ex and their son he writes:

About a year ago Loni Anderson decided that I should sell personal items to satisfy an old debt. She got a judge to order me to auction off the memorabilia I’d collected over the years, including my high school football trophies, my Emmy, my Golden Globe for “Boogie Nights,” my People’s Choice Award, my autographed photos, my Western art. Those things meant a lot to me, and I didn’t think it was fair that I had to part with them. But my lawyers told me I had no choice. I had to give it all up, so I held a yard sale in Las Vegas.

burt reynolds, but enough about me

Rent-a-Cop doesn’t merit a mention, but he discusses Liza in both a general fashion and while reminiscing about the making of Lucky Lady. Of that experience he writes, “She’s not the easiest person in the world to act with. She’s never quite with you. It’s like she’s reading something somewhere off-camera. Yet she’s amazing as a live performer.”

Since I’m not sure I could tolerate Lucky Lady a second time in order to discuss it here, I’ll instead share one of his Minnelli anecdotes:

Gene Hackman is a good actor. He’s tough, and Liza is so boop oopy doop, it didn’t sit well with him. Every once in a while he’d go, “Liza, shut the fuck up!” We’d all have to walk off the set until he cooled off. Gene’s not a bad guy, but he allowed Liza to distract him. Gene wasn’t the easiest to work with either. You’d do the rehearsal one way, and when you got to the take, he’d say, “You’re not gonna do it that way, are you?”

He’d do that to Liza, and she’d fall apart.

I didn’t let it bother me, and Gene and I parted on good terms.

burt reynolds, but enough about me