Killer Bees (1974): Gloria Swanson is Big, It’s the Killer Bees That Got Small

The killer bee genre is a crowded one, with films like The Swarm (1978, starring Michael Caine in his “Sure, whatever, pay me in cash” phase); 1995’s Deadly Invasion: The Killer Bee Nightmare; and, perhaps most famously, My Girl (1991). I could go on and on. What makes this killer bee telefilm, creatively titled Killer Bees, so special, is its cast. Forget Kate Jackson and Lillian Gish, a memorable pairing in Thin Ice (1981). Here we have Kate Jackson and Gloria Swanson.

It opens with a pushy salesman pulling up to a filling station. The attendant (John Getz of Blood Simple) warns him not to trespass onto the neighboring Van Bohlen Winery property, but he does so anyway, and is summarily killed by bees. Forgive me, I’m being flippant. Technically, a swarm follows him into his car (it would’ve been funny if they had voice boxes like Richard Romanus in Night Terror), resulting in a crash and an enormous explosion. “I told him. I told the darn fool,” the gas station attendant mutters. Must happen all the time.

Not long after the accident, sweethearts Victoria ‘Tori’ Wells (Jackson) and Edward van Bohlen (Edward Albert, also paired with Jackson in Death Cruise) come to visit. The vineyards were planted by his grandparents. When she asks if everything still looks as he remembered, he remarks “It’ll never change. Change isn’t their way.” She’s eager to meet his family, but he cautions “Grandmother’s still European. They like to keep to themselves. They don’t like to entertain strangers. I mean, they have their own ways.” And don’t forget about the murderous bees.

Townspeople are abuzz with gossip about the salesman’s accident—and the rumored presence of bees—at the small café where the couple stops for coffee. Edward’s impulse is to turn around and head back to San Francisco, but Tori’s on a mission. He’s been largely estranged from his family since leaving for law school and she wants to heal the rift. But, as she’ll soon learn, his clan is only slightly more welcoming than the cannibals from Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

Tori gets her way and is eventually introduced to matriarch Maria van Bohlen (Swanson), who is known to all, progeny included, as “Madame.” The family looks on uneasily, aghast that an outsider has entered their home. Sipping a van Bohlen wine, Tori detects an intriguing hint of honey. Eyebrows are raised. A bee buzzes her without stinging and Madame rises to her feet. In an accent I can only refer to as 20% German, 80% It’s-a Me, Mario!, she waxes poetically (pun intended) about bees.

“We have many, many bees here in the vineyard. They came here with all of us, from Africa. They understand the grapes and we understand each other. In our home, we were in a country where living things move in a dance together.” Madame then surprises Tori by gently summoning a bee to her finger; she opens a window and sets it free. “Grandmother’s bees aren’t ordinary,” Edward helpfully offers. The evening ends with Tori privately expressing frustration with his family’s rude behavior.

The next day, during an informal investigation of the bees, Madame puts on a production for Sgt. Jeffreys (John S. Ragin) and a witness to the accident. Tori watches as the elderly woman, covered in bees, coos and gently directs them back to their home. “Look, OK, that’s a great show,” the witness whispers to Jeffreys. “But I know what I saw. And what I saw was that guy in the car gettin’ eaten alive by bees. Just like those.” The sergeant dutifully asks if the bees have ever swarmed anyone. “Bees are not carnivorous, Mr. Jeffreys,” she replies, and sends him home with flowers for his wife.

While Tori tries to ingratiate herself to Madame, Edward speaks privately with his father, Rudolf (Craig Stevens), who sternly says “The family needs you, Edward.” A lawyer would indeed be quite useful to them. Edward’s brother Helmut (Roger Davis) is already a physician, and, conveniently, the town coroner. When the bees claim another victim, a telephone lineman, he’s able to suppress Jeffreys’ investigation. For generations, the family has used its wealth and power to escape accountability.

As the brothers argue over the lineman’s cause of death, Helmut tersely tells Edward “The bees belong to us.” When Edward replies “Are you sure you don’t belong to them?” it’s supposed to be dramatic and spooky. Naturally, I cackled. The family’s relentless obsession with bees is the type of absurdity that wouldn’t have been out of place in a Phil Hartman-era Saturday Night Live sketch; it’s equally as ludicrous as the Alec Baldwin classic “Greenhilly.”

The family is so insular that Madame cannot handle the shock of learning that Edward and Tori have been living together, much less that they’re expecting a child. She collapses, attracting the attention of her bees, and expires. Later, the otherwise humorless van Bohlen men share a hearty laugh at Tori’s suggestion the bees might’ve killed her. Upset, she wanders away, where she encounters Sgt. Jeffreys. He noticed the van Bohlen bees only fly at night and conducted a bit of research.

“I’ve been asking around and only one kind does that: African bees. They look just like honeybees but there’s a difference. They seem to have a single mind and they kill,” he shares. This sets the stage for a thoroughly bizarre denouement in which the bees disrupt Madame’s church sendoff, swarming her coffin’s floral wreath. Tori, who has skipped the funeral, is impatiently packing her bags as the bees enter the van Bohlen mansion and surround her. I will leave it to you to discover what happens next.

It goes without saying this is a festering pile of crap, but it’s an immensely enjoyable festering pile of crap, spryly directed by Curtis Harrington. (His best known works included Who Slew Auntie Roo? and What’s the Matter with Helen?; I’ve also reviewed his Curse of the Cat Creature.) Jackson and Albert play it straight until the amusing final scene; Swanson (who replaced Bette Davis) is in another galaxy. The bees alternately look like inkblots on the screen or raisins glued to the actors. Due to the limitations of early ’70s-era visual effects, we never get quite close enough to confirm they’re wearing miniature versions of Swanson’s signature turbans. But, given the special connection the bees enjoy with Madame, I don’t see how they weren’t similarly costumed.

Streaming and DVD availability

Killer Bees, a 1974 ABC Movie of the Week, hasn’t yet made it to DVD or other streaming platforms, but you can find it on YouTube. And Amazon has an assortment of Curtis Harrington and Kate Jackson films and TV series for your streaming pleasure.

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… But wait, there’s more!

Not yet, there ain’t. I plan to read Harrington’s Nice Guys Don’t Work in Hollywood soon, and hope to find something suitable there.