Dorothy’s legendary animus toward ex-husband Stanley Zbornak, the subject of “Guess Who’s Coming to the Wedding?” (S1E02), was first established in The Golden Girls’ pilot episode, “The Engagement.” After describing their shotgun wedding to Rose, she bitterly detailed the dissolution of their 38-year marriage, and how he left her “for a stewardess that he met on a business trip to Hawaii.”
DOROTHY: It was her first flight. They said ‘On arrival, give the passengers a lei.’ She got confused, he got lucky, and they now live on Maui. Oh, it’s really wonderful. A 65-year-old man with gout learning to windsurf. I hope he trips on his thongs and falls into a volcano.
Let’s pause here to engage in the time-honored tradition of puzzling over a Dorothy/Stan timeline that never made sense. The elder Zbornaks were roughly the same age. Their first child was conceived when Dorothy was in high school. If they were in their mid-sixties at the start of the series, their children Kate and Michael would’ve been nearly 50. (That would also complicate Sophia’s age, which was 80 in the pilot.) A shotgun wedding over 38 years ago would put their eldest at 38 years old, plus the length of their parents’ estrangement. Instead, Kate and brother Michael are in their mid-to-late twenties circa their first appearances, and Dorothy’s said to be in her early sixties during season seven.
Now that our impromptu math lesson has concluded, we return our attention to this episode, which is a deeper dive into Dorothy and Stan’s relationship. It also gives Bea Arthur what was perhaps her meatiest story of the first season. We begin with her excitement about daughter Kate’s (Lisa Jane Persky) upcoming visit. She’s bringing her newest boyfriend, Dennis (Dennis Drake), who Dorothy’s eager to meet. “Do you think it’s serious?” Rose asks.
“Well, they’ve been together now for six months. That’s the longest she’s been interested in any man since Paul McCartney,” Dorothy jokes, much to Rose’s confusion. (“Kate dated Paul McCartney?!” she exclaims.) Blanche asks if she knows anything about the boyfriend’s background. “All I know is that he’s a doctor,” Dorothy says, trying only briefly, and unconvincingly, to pretend she isn’t jubilant about his occupation.
Kate, as expected, quickly announces her engagement—and their plan to elope to the Bahamas. Dorothy, who always dreamed of giving Kate a special wedding, suggests keeping her nuptials local instead. “Mom, don’t you think it would be a little awkward with you and Dad not talking?” Kate asks. Dorothy pins their estrangement on Stan: “Now just a minute! I am not the one who ran off to Maui with someone half my age and twice my bra size!”
When Kate admits her wedding dream is to walk down the aisle on her father’s arm, Dorothy swallows her pride and invites Stan to Miami. She seethes with resentment even before he arrives. After Dennis—who it turns out is not a “real” doctor, as Sophia puts it, but a podiatrist—shows up with a bouquet of flowers, she reminisces, “You know, your father used to bring me tulips every time we had a fight. Toward the end, our place looked like Easter in Rotterdam.”
On the day of the ceremony, Stan bravely knocks on the front door. His first appearance is not heralded by a signature “Hi, it’s me, Stan.” Rather, Dorothy opens the door to find him (and his hideous hairpiece) standing there in a lei. He gets as far as “Hi, it was really—” before Dorothy slams the door and walks away. She lets him in the second time and introduces him to Rose. “I’d like you to meet my ex-husband, Stan Zbornak. And this is his hair,” she says. Rose politely replies “It’s a pleasure to meet you both.”
Kate, thrilled to see her father, thanks him for coming. He replies “Don’t thank me. Thank your mother. There aren’t too many women around who could swallow their pride after what went down between us.” To Dorothy, he adds, “You’re awesome, babe. Absolutely awesome.” At this, she begins to bark and growl while her roommates struggle to restrain her.
Later, at a reception hosted by Blanche and catered by Rose, Stan shows off photos of his new life in Maui. Following the cake-cutting, Dorothy retires to her bedroom and doesn’t want to see the newlyweds off. Sophia stops pilfering cheese balls long enough to tell her she’s acting like a jerk. “Listen, Dorothy, I love you dearly, but you’re not the first woman to be dumped by her husband.”
She shares a cereal-themed pearl of wisdom: “Dorothy, anger is a lot like a piece of shredded wheat caught under your dentures. If you leave it there, you get a blister and you gotta eat Jell-O all week. If you get rid of it, the sore heals, and you feel better.” Dorothy initially finds the analogy ridiculous, but after bidding farewell to Kate and Dennis she summons a nervous Stanley to the lanai, prepared to finally remove the metaphorical shredded wheat from beneath her dentures.
“What can I do for you?” he asks.
“The first thing you can do is get rid of that ridiculous toupee,” she replies. “I want to speak to the bald guy who left me.” She yanks it off him herself before thundering, “You walked out on me, Stanley Zbornak!” And then Bea Arthur chews scenery like wedding cake with this memorable monologue.
DOROTHY: You walked out on me and you didn’t even have the decency to tell me you were leaving. I heard it from some lawyer over the telephone. A stranger, Stanley, a total stranger, told me that my marriage was over.
STAN: Dorothy, look, things happened.
DOROTHY: Things happened? You’re damn right things happened. Thirty-eight years happened. Thirty-eight years of sharing and crying and dreaming and fighting and loving and children and diapers and school plays and Little League. And worrying if you’d get through your gallbladder surgery. And wondering if I’d get through another Sunday dinner at your mother’s house.
DOROTHY: (continued) And the lean years, when the business failed. And the good years, and the happy Christmases. All those things happened, Stanley. And because they happened, I deserved better than a stinking phone call from my husband’s legal representative. You had a choice, Stanley, and you took the easy way out. And it was a rotten thing to do! But now you’re here in front of me and you can’t run away. And I finally get to have what you tried to cheat me out of. I finally get to say goodbye, Stanley.
STAN: Look, Dorothy, we—
DOROTHY: I said goodbye, Stanley.
Arthur’s fury is moving in “Guess Who’s Coming to the Wedding?”, and this is one of those episodes where Blanche really shines as a dependable friend. (She encourages Dorothy to squeeze her hand every time she’s angry at Stan; McClanahan’s reactions are perfect as she’s eventually brought to her knees.) Of course, it wasn’t really goodbye for Stan. Herb Edelman appeared in another 24 episodes, and Dorothy nearly remarried her ex in season six.
The two shared an awkwardly staged but pivotal scene in the series finale when Stan drove Dorothy to her wedding (to another man), and pledged his undying loyalty to her. “All right, Stanley, the truth,” Dorothy reluctantly confessed. “Things have been going so well with Lucas, I didn’t want to deal with you. But, as Freud said, our beds are crowded. When I sleep with Lucas, I’m not alone. There’s this phantom of you there, and he has the haunts of his prior relationships, and, well, I can’t pretend you’re not a part of me.”
Never one to leave a tender moment alone, Stan expresses dismay that Dorothy isn’t celibate. His regret is palpable as he watches the wedding from the back of the church.
Introduction: Friends of Dorothy Z.
Previous episode: “The Engagement” (S1E01)
Next episode: “Rose the Prude” (S1E03)
Where to watch
All seven seasons of The Golden Girls are available on DVD. You can also stream it at Hulu and Fubo with subscriptions, or buy it by the season (or episode) on platforms like Amazon and YouTube.
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Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.
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