Goddess of Love: I’d Like to Buy a Plot

Only a decade rooted in such material excess as the ’80s, and fueled by as much cocaine, could have given us something like Goddess of Love. How this gem escaped my attention over the years is anyone’s guess. But when Lisa, a commenter here, mentioned it, all it took was one look at the trailer and I knew I had to watch it. Now, having done so, I encourage all true fans of garbage to do the same.

This 1988 NBC telefilm opens with a title card reading “Mt. Olympus… Ages Ago.” A chagrined Zeus (John Rhys-Davies) attempts to discipline his daughter, Aphrodite (Vanna White), as wife Hera (Betsy ‘Mrs. Voorhees’ Palmer) looks on. It’s a familiar situation, you can tell, for all three of them. Before he can list her offenses, Aphrodite interrupts to chide her father for not using her preferred name, Venus.

In a sonorous Welsh-sounding accent, he resumes. “Venus, sometimes known as Aphrodite, goddess of love, daughter of Zeus and Hera, you are charged as follows. You were given in wedlock to Hephaestus, a blacksmith god. But you rejected this union, and sought forbidden comfort in others.” What a missed opportunity for an alternate title, eh? Forbidden Comfort: The Story of Venus, has a very made-for-TV ring to it.

“Hephaestus was not my choice,” Venus brazenly interjects. That is immaterial to her father, who continues: “Further, Venus, you sought and received the affections of three mortals, all of whom perished.” (I’ll admit to mentally substituting the names Ted Danson, Steve Guttenberg and Tom Selleck for my own amusement.) She objects, referring to their deaths as “a series of coincidences.” Agitation mounting, he adds “It is further alleged that you gave Helen of Sparta to Paris of Troy.”

“You have long sat among your peers as goddess of love,” Zeus concludes. “But it is quite clear that you still have no idea of the meaning of love. The council has spoken. Banishment!” And with that, Venus turns to stone. Hera asks if she’ll ever return from exile. “Perhaps, someday, she will return when she has won the heart of a man,” Zeus muses. “And proved that she can keep his love without killing him.” Hera ponders this for a beat, Palmer’s comedic timing impeccable, before admitting, “Could be a problem.”

With that, we cut to “L.A. City Museum… Someday.” A docent leads a group to a priceless sculpture of Venus crafted by an unknown artist. When they depart, two male thieves disguised as women break from the party and return to the sculpture. Rather preposterously, they wheel it out on a standard hand truck, stashing it on the leafy grounds of the Pleasure Gardens Dance Club under cover of darkness. The next day they’ll sell it for a tidy sum, or so they think.

They depart and hairstylist Ted Beckman (David Naughton) wanders by, on leave from his bachelor party. He slips his fiancée’s wedding band onto Venus’s hand while making a point to sleazy pal Jimmy (David Leisure) about commitment. When he tries to remove it, it won’t budge. He sets off in search of assistance. In his absence, lightning heralds the reanimation of Venus. Ted’s demonstration of love has been misinterpreted by the gods.

“After 3,000 years, you may at last have won a heart,” Zeus tells his daughter from the heavens. “Before you can again sit amongst the gods, you must prove that you fully understand the nature of love.” Should she fail, she’ll be imprisoned in stone for all eternity. Naturally, she is determined not to squander her opportunity for redemption. She begins looking for Ted, who in turn is frantically searching for the statue that stole his ring.

When he returns home empty-handed, he’s greeted by a toga-clad stranger. “My beloved!” she exclaims (to the extent that White is capable of conveying emotion). “I am Venus, daughter of Zeus. Three-thousand years I have lain entranced in slumber, and now the loving touch of a mortal hand has called me from my rest. Your hand has placed this ring upon my finger, has it not?” It’s the kind of meet-cute that usually ends in an involuntary psych hold and complimentary Haldol injection.

Ted is certain Jimmy’s playing a prank. “Together, you and I will dwell for eternity on Mt. Olympus,” Venus tells him stiltedly, before giving him the old razzle-dazzle with a bit of lightning and levitation. “Eternity sounds great, don’t get me wrong,” Ted jokes. “It’s just that it takes up so much of your time.” Venus, concerned that his heart might belong to another, vows to crush any rivals for his affection. He continues yukking around, telling her, “You’re a mountain girl, I’m a city boy. I get nosebleeds.”

For the next several days, while Ted’s betrothed, Cathy (Amanda Bearse), is at a psychology convention, he works to recover her heirloom ring. Venus, eager to prove herself to her father and preserve her freedom, refuses to cooperate. She reverts back to sculpture form whenever it’s convenient, and acquaints herself with the modern pleasures of dating shows and fast food. She also wreaks havoc at Ted’s salon, where he enjoyed a Shampoo-esque reputation prior to his engagement.

“You can’t go around crushing people. Nice girls don’t do that,” he explains when Venus again threatens to harm Cathy. Explosive temper tantrums are a recurring problem for the goddess. She turns her fury against hairdresser Alphonso (Little Richard) for unsatisfactory beauty treatments, and targets the burglars attempting to regain possession of her statue. All the while, Detective Charles (Philip Baker Hall) noses around on behalf of the museum.

Intermingled with all the action, we have the suspense of whether Ted and Venus will fall in love. Naughton and White have no chemistry: Venus, for all her beauty, has no chemistry with anyone at all, except maybe Ted’s credit cards. This is just as well in a movie that leaves you wondering what any of the characters see in each other. Friends and lovers alike might as well be strangers; add them all together and it still won’t produce a single character.

Faring worst—and best—of all is America’s favorite letter-turner. White does seem to have a sense of humor, and delivers her dialogue very eagerly. Unfortunately, she’s also extraordinarily wooden. The effect is that of a glamor model listing prize options to a game show contestant. But if you can’t enjoy the absurdity of the story, the bonus gayness of Richard and Bearse, and White’s robotic recitation of the lines “I am not here for your cold roast chicken. I am here for your love,” I question if you can enjoy anything.

Streaming and DVD availability

Goddess of Love is available secondhand on DVD. Digital copies can be rented or purchased through Amazon and YouTube. It’s also currently available on the free streaming platform Tubi.

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… But wait, there’s more!

Internet searches for “Vanna White” and lesbianism will inevitably direct readers here due to the name of my site. And so, as a public service, I present the prelude to author Liza Greer’s alleged sexual encounter with White, as detailed in the notorious book You’ll Never Make Love in This Town Again.

If you’re unfamiliar with this tome, I should stress that it’s not just fun gossip. There’s a lot of really dark stuff in it as well, including graphic accounts of abuse. However, Greer only has complimentary things to say about White, who she essentially describes as a real-life goddess of love in a 2.5 page vignette. The book does not refer to White as a lesbian; it infers she had liaisons with women in the early ’80s while in a heterosexual relationship.