While I’m stuck on the couch for the next couple weeks, having been told to avoid the Omicron surge while immunosuppressed, the timing seems right to dedicate myself to the study of one of the holiest trilogies in cinematic history: Rue McClanahan’s made-for-TV Bride series.
This is where it all began, folks, in 1990, with Children of the Bride. The credits, including “Special Guest Star Patrick Duffy” and “Music by Yanni,” hint at something memorable. Things begin promisingly, with Kristy McNichol dressed as a nun, and of course I’m here with a screen cap for those of you who are into that sort of thing. And who’s that over there, once again not acting too homosexual? Why, it’s Dynasty’s second Steven Carrington! They are but two of McClanahan’s many kids, one more troubled than the next.
But first, we kick off with an introduction to Margret Becker (McClanahan) and her younger beau, John Hix (Duffy), canoodling in a park. We know they’re meant to be together by their matching eyeliner, but Margret’s conflicted about their age difference. She’s 53 and John is 39 (the actors were 56 and 41, respectively), not much older than her eldest son.
When John proposes marriage, she’s reluctant to answer. “You know you’re the best thing that’s ever come into my life, but have you given this some thought? I love you, but, but, but, what would people say?” McClanahan gives those triple buts (isn’t that a figure skating skill?) a lot less thought than Bea Arthur would have in My First Love, I can tell you that, but the script doesn’t demand much more. John is undeterred and soon they are engaged, with her four adult children expected home for the wedding.
The Becker kids are, in no particular order, Dennis (Jack Coleman, Al Corley’s replacement on Dynasty), a compulsive skirt-chaser like his estranged father; Andy (Conor O’Farrell), a Harvard dropout turned boat painter and single father; Mary (McNichol), a ravenous nun with a poorly concealed secret; and Anne (Anne Bobby), a twice-divorced alcoholic who at 24 is prone to pronouncements like “I’m castrating. Men love it.” They exist less to complicate Margret and John’s union than to share scenes better suited to coffee commercials.
“I wish they could have been closer, but they just all went their own directions,” Margret observes. “You know, sometimes I feel like they don’t even know each other.” At a tense family dinner the night before the wedding, she apologizes to John for their behavior. “Well, there’s nothing to be sorry about,” he replies. “Dinner with my family, we all had to be silent. This is kind of fun.”
That’s before the real fun starts: a giant two-minute brawl at the restaurant that’s distinguished by the unusual decision to include even a pregnant woman and Andy’s young daughters in the melee. Yanni’s musical contributions really shine here: the fight scene score, upbeat jazz with vaguely zany sax and piano, is second in terribleness only to the jaunty intro/outro music, which sounds like something from a third-tier late ’80s children’s show.
By the end of this 95-minute movie we have no idea who the hell John and Margret are or why they belong together; they feature far less in the proceedings than anyone but Andy’s spawn. And I was a little tired of saucer-eyed, sarcastic Anne (the character, not the actress, who does more heavy lifting than anyone in the cast) threatening to turn every scene into Long Day’s Journey Into Night, but I have nothing better to do and am willing to go along with this.
Join me later this week for the second part of this seminal trilogy, Baby of the Bride (see what I did there?), in which McClanahan makes a childhood journey from Sicily to Ellis Island and embarks on a life of crime with her good friend Clemenza.
Streaming and DVD availability
Children of the Bride, directed by Jonathan Sanger, can be purchased used on DVD (it’s currently out-of-print); streamed free with ads or purchased digitally on Amazon Prime. The digital versions I found all had a 94-minute running time, while IMDb, perhaps erroneously, lists the running time as 105 minutes.
Disclosure: As an Amazon Associate I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases.
… But wait, there’s more!
I consulted my copy of McClanahan’s memoir, My First Five Husbands… And the Ones Who Got Away, to see if she shared any anecdotes about these films. The series is mentioned in passing when she recounts money-making opportunities pursued later in her career:
I filmed eight TV movies during hiatuses from “The Golden Girls.” No rest for the wicked (thank God). I did those “Children of the Bride” comedies you watch on Lifetime on a rainy afternoon and a few nice dramas, including “The Dreamer of Oz,” starring my old pal John Ritter as L. Frank Baum.
Rue Mcclanahan, My First Five Husbands…And the ones who got away
Not too interesting, right? But maybe you’ll find what follows as amusing as I did:
Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.
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