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Category: TV Movies Page 12 of 13

In Lady Killer, Judith Light’s Affair with Jack Wagner Imperils Her Family

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On January 13, 2022

In TV Movies

Jack Wagner has dangerous abandonment issues in Lady Killer.

We might as well get this out of the way here: I consider Judith Light the Maria Falconetti of American made-for-TV movies. She is without peer. No matter the limitations (or excesses) of the material or her costars, her performances tend to be tiny marvels of subtlety, sympathy and generosity. Lady Killer (1995) is only the second of her films I’ve reviewed here, after A Strange Affair (1996), and it’s easily one of my least favorite of hers, but no matter how silly it might sound to the uninitiated, she genuinely elevates the medium.

Here she stars as Janice Mitchell, a homemaker who spends more time in the company of her therapist than with her workaholic husband Ross (Ben Masters) and co-ed daughter Sharon (Tracey Gold). Ross is usually overseas and with Sharon away at school, Janice is lonely and directionless. For fun she takes architectural tours, which is how she meets Guy Elliman (Jack Wagner), a self-described sometime architect whose voluminous hair suggests the balance of his time is spent deep conditioning.

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Tori Spelling’s Brainless Mind Over Murder

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On January 12, 2022

In TV Movies

Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott in Mind Over Murder.

What is there to say about a movie as bad as Mind Over Murder (2005), a Lifetime offering starring Tori Spelling as an Assistant District Attorney in temporary possession of psychic powers? Everything about it is unusually tacky, even by basic cable standards, from its garish pink and green color scheme to its nightmarish faux comic sex scenes and lifeless acting.

Its distinct terribleness makes you long for previous Spelling affairs like Death of a Cheerleader and Mother, May I Sleep with Danger? — and, speaking of affairs, Murder mostly lives on as a trivia answer. It was on the set of this film that Spelling’s tabloid-ready liaison with costar Dean McDermott began.

A children’s treasury of Spelling’s regrettable wardrobe.

The plot, to the extent that one exists, involves Holly Winters (Spelling), an ADA in Cincinnati whose head-scratchingly casual wardrobe is a series of increasingly hideous pink and green shirts and cardigans that match her equally awful accessories (as well as the wardrobe and, in one instance, even the beverage of her boss, Julian Hasty, played by Tyler Benskin). My wife walked past the TV at one point and mused “She looks like she shopped at GAP Kids.”

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Boredom is Deadlier Than a Loaded Gun in Sweet Deception

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On January 11, 2022

In TV Movies

Joan Collins and Joanna Pacula wig out in Sweet Deception

Whoever greenlit Sweet Deception (1998) knew it was unmitigated crap. That’s how we ended up with not one but two very special guest stars: Kate Jackson (wearing the type of gaudy press-on nails favored by Linda Richman) and Joan Collins (styling wigs and giving manicures from a wheelchair). We’ll get to those two later. First we need to talk about Jack Scalia’s Southern accent, the least convincing thing in a movie full of ’em.

Joanna Pacula stars as Risa, the second Mrs. Gallagher. Her husband is Fin (Peter LaCroix), a wealthy serial philanderer we meet as he stashes millions of dollars in cash in an offshore safe deposit box. He isn’t long for this world, which is just as well because little about Fin and Risa’s pairing, or casting, makes sense. Equally nonsensically, Scalia plays Brett Newcomb, Fin’s slick Southern law partner in a San Francisco firm. He calls Risa “darlin'” about 87 times in the course of 90 minutes, sometimes while wearing a bow tie, as if lost on his way to a dinner theater production of Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.

Kate Jackson plays her embittered ex role a bit broadly.

The first Mrs. Gallagher, Kit (Kate Jackson), is also in the picture, making a scene at a soiree attended by her ex and casually greeting his new wife with an insult: “Hello, Risa. Beautiful dress. It’s a shame they didn’t have it in your size.” Jackson has very few lines altogether but might as well be in a Honeysuckle Ham catalogue with her exaggerated facial expressions and swigs of champagne that have absolutely nothing in common with the rest of Sweet Deception.

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Judith Light’s Lover Befriends Her Ailing Husband in A Strange Affair

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On January 7, 2022

In TV Movies

Judith Light and William Russ in A Strange Affair (1996).

Adjust your elegantly styled wigs, for we’re about to delve into a scandalous Judith Light romance that’s one of the better TV movies I’ve reviewed here so far, even though no one sleeps with danger or impregnates a nun played by Kristy McNichol. What we have instead is a good old-fashioned tale of a long-suffering wife, Lisa (Light), whose philandering husband, Eric (Jay Thomas), has a debilitating stroke just hours after she finally leaves him. Oh, and the new lover, Art (William Russ), who patiently helps her provide in-home care for her estranged husband even as they’re shunned by friends and family because of their unconventional arrangement.

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Death of a Cheerleader: Mother, May I Cheer with Danger?

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On January 6, 2022

In TV Movies

“What could it mean?”

Hold onto your pom-poms because strange worlds are colliding in this one. We’ve got Tori Spelling, who we just watched in Mother, May I Sleep with Danger? We have Valerie Harper, who we’ve seen in Night Terror and Strange Voices. And we’ve got ’em in Death of a Cheerleader, a 1994 TV movie that could best be described as Mean Girls meets The Craft meets Election meets The Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Texas Cheerleader-Murdering Mom. Excited yet? Alas, I suggest tempering your enthusiasm.

Without further ado, Kellie Martin (who knows her way around a TV movie herself) is Angela Delvecchio, a bright and seemingly normal kid who is a little too captivated by her high school’s pep rally. Its inspirational theme: Be the Best. “I’m going to be,” Angela vows to her BFF Jill (Margaret Langrick, bedecked in the type of unfortunate headwear favored by Mayim Bialik and Jenna von Oÿ’s Blossom characters). “I am going to edit the yearbook, and I’m going to be a cheerleader.” And she’s gonna get all As in murder!

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Valerie Harper Demonstrates the Perils of Allowing Women to Drive in Night Terror

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On January 2, 2022

In TV Movies

“Mare, I think I saw something nasty in the woodshed…”

Fans of Arrested Development will be familiar with J. Walter Weatherman, a character used to scare the crap out of children while teaching them valuable lessons (such as “And that’s why you always leave a note”). In the 1977 TV movie Night Terror (also known as Night Drive), Valerie Harper is our J. Walter Weatherman. The lesson? “And that’s why you always check your fuel gauge.”

Not once but twice does Harper’s Carol Turner, a doting wife and mother of two young children, neglect to keep her tank filled, and for that she nearly pays with her life. However, I would argue that her husband, Walter (Michael Tolan), is the real jinx who brought this curse upon her the second he smugly told her sister Vera (Beatrice Manley), “Your sister survives because I’m organized.”

Valerie Harper (shown here with Michael Tolan) hits the road in Night Terror

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Answering the Most Pressing Question of the ’90s: Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?

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On December 30, 2021

In TV Movies

“God, Mom, you’re so lame. You never let me sleep with danger!”

It always happens like this, doesn’t it? You try to spread holiday cheer by writing about Ebbie, an old Susan Lucci Lifetime adaptation of A Christmas Carol, and through a convoluted series of events find yourself weeks later watching Mother, May I Sleep with Danger? because of it. Who among us hasn’t done it? It’s the tale as old as time that Angela Lansbury so touchingly warbled about in Beauty and the Beast.

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Rue McClanahan Plans a Wedding and a Funeral in Mother of the Bride

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On December 29, 2021

In TV Movies

The ever-expanding Becker-Hix family in Mother of the Bride.

What a whirlwind of a week it has been. It was only Monday that I first met the Becker-Hix family, who had gathered to quarrel, self-destruct, and reveal the occasional secret in Children of the Bride (1990), all while celebrating their mother’s marriage to a significantly younger man. And it seems like just yesterday (because, in fact, it was) that Baby of the Bride (1991), its first sequel, incensed me by turning that amiable husband into a floppy-haired jerk who threw a 90-minute fit when his wife wouldn’t have an abortion.

To say my hopes weren’t high for the final entry in this made-for-TV trilogy, 1993’s Mother of the Bride, would be an understatement. How surprised I was, then, to find this the most enjoyable installment of all. In the words of Vanessa Williams, “Just when I thought our chance had passed, you go and save the best for last.” That’s right, stars and executive producers Rue McClanahan and Kristy McNichol, that song is dedicated to you.

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Rue McClanahan Explores Geriatric Pregnancy in Baby of the Bride

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On December 28, 2021

In TV Movies

McNichol gave birth to a baby girl; McClanahan a bouncing baby wig.

When last we met, dear reader, we were enjoying the emotional highs and lows of Children of the Bride (1990), in which Rue McClanahan’s offspring squabble against the backdrop of her wedding to a younger man. Baby of the Bride (1991) picks up shortly thereafter, as Margret (McClanahan) and John Hix (Ted Shackelford) return from their honeymoon, but instantly we see things have changed.

The camera lingers on a recreation of the wedding photo from Children. Patrick Duffy has been replaced by his Dallas castmate Shackelford. Dennis, the son who can’t keep his pants zipped, is now played by John Wesley Shipp in place of the more lighthearted Jack Coleman. Their faces are curiously free from bruises, reminding us that the centerpiece of the first film was a kooky brawl the night before the wedding that left a mark on several characters.

Everything old is new again in Baby of the Bride.

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Rue McClanahan’s Matriarch Trilogy Begins with Children of the Bride

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On December 27, 2021

In TV Movies

Children of the Bride‘s one big happy family

While I’m stuck on the couch for the next couple weeks, having been told to avoid the Omicron surge while immunosuppressed, the timing seems right to dedicate myself to the study of one of the holiest trilogies in cinematic history: Rue McClanahan’s made-for-TV Bride series.

This is where it all began, folks, in 1990, with Children of the Bride. The credits, including “Special Guest Star Patrick Duffy” and “Music by Yanni,” hint at something memorable. Things begin promisingly, with Kristy McNichol dressed as a nun, and of course I’m here with a screen cap for those of you who are into that sort of thing. And who’s that over there, once again not acting too homosexual? Why, it’s Dynasty’s second Steven Carrington! They are but two of McClanahan’s many kids, one more troubled than the next.

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