Category: Tennis

Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.

The Obligatory U.S. Open Post

On August 28, 2008

In Tennis

Oh, yeah. You knew I’d have to whip this bad boy out.

Do any other tennis fans start contemplating suicide every year when USA Network subjects us to countless hours of Tracy Austin nattering on about her accomplishments and her family and her lunch and what she’s wearing? I’ve had the TV on mute for several days now because of her.

But this afternoon, in the first set of the James Blake-Steve Darcis match, the gods of tennis smiled upon us and let Mary Carillo (or MarCar, as they call her in the tabloids when they cover her late-night club crawls with Puff Daddy and his crew) pop into the booth with her pal John McEnroe (who, as the Times pointed out over the weekend, still throws tantrums like he’s a pop diva with five ex-husbands, three sassily-attired Chihuahuas and a huge gay following) to say hi to us miserable bastards.

Carillo, as everyone who tuned into NBC’s Beijing Olympics coverage knows, just spent a couple of weeks filing stories on Chinese cuisine curiosities and the mating habits of pandas (zoo officials can say whatever they want, we all know the pandas listen to Al Green and do what comes naturally). The assignments were weak stuff compared to her antics with ice queen Johnny Weir at the 2006 Winter Olympics, but I guess it could’ve been worse — she could’ve been dispatched to milk more tears from the mascara-streaked eyes of Debbie Phelps, or we could have endured an extra ten minutes of Bob Costas’ self-important blathering each night.

I’m just glad that USA allowed her to check in with viewers today, because the monotony of their coverage has been driving me crazy. And the commercials! Oy vey. We get it, you want us to watch Burn Notice. Things explode in Burn Notice, and hip characters wear sunglasses and pepper their top-secreet cell phone conversations with sarcastic barbs, impervious to the danger around them. Now shut up about it. But the commercials for the remake of The Women that they’ve shown incessantly during the night matches, those can stay. Eva Mendes looks fetching in those.

Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.

I’m Still Around, People

On July 9, 2008

In Tennis

Jeanne Moreau has always been a sharp dresser.

I just need a few days to recover from Roger Federer’s Wimbledon loss before I’m ready to face the world again.

Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.

Anti-Tuxedo Prejudice in the Tennis Community

On June 27, 2008

In Tennis

Color me outraged! Maria Sharapova, who indulged her love of menswear by dressing in a tuxedo top and shorts at this year’s Wimbledon, got her ass kicked by Alla Kudryavtseva today. (If her name is unfamiliar, it’s because Kudryavtseva generally sucks.) The final score was so awful that I can’t bring myself to type it here, but that’s not the source of my indignation. What has me all riled up* is what Kudryavtseva said when asked what propelled her to victory: “I don’t like her outfit. It was one of the motivations to beat her.”

C’mon, Kudryavtseva! You have to give Sharapova some credit for making a bit of a Marlene Dietrich-like, Katharine Hepburn-esque fashion statement at Wimbledon. (For those of you who don’t watch tennis, even the tacky British newspaper The Sun, which initially criticized Sharapova’s tux, later apologized for their rush to judgment. Check out the third picture in the slideshow if you want to see why I think her getup was altogether badass.)

All the dress-wearing gets boring to watch sometimes, and I encourage Sharapova’s fellow WTA player to change things up every now and then, just as I encourage the men of the ATP to consider a little on court cross-dressing of their own. ‘Cause you have to admit, Rafael Nadal would look handsome in a skirt.

* Maybe “riled up” wasn’t all that accurate. Mildly annoyed would be a more apt description, and even that was offset by Kudryavtseva adding, “She’s brave enough to experiment. Sometimes she has good ones, sometimes not. That’s my personal opinion. Maybe someone will tell me I dress terribly.”

But I wanted to post something today, and it was either this or complain about Sarah Bird’s recent ‘blah blah gay son blah blah stereotypes blah supposed satire’ monstrosity at Salon.com. Problem was, I couldn’t make it past the second or third paragraph of the Bird whatsit, so all I could honestly say about it would be this: The way A.O. Scott felt about The Love Guru — in his words, “an experience that makes you wonder if you will ever laugh again” — that’s how I feel about Bird’s strenuously unfunny piece.

Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.

Wimbledon!

On June 23, 2008

In Tennis

“I used to play doubles with Dana Fairbanks, if you catch my drift.”

Wimbledon starts in just under eight hours, and questions about the tournament abound: Will the swashbuckling Rafael Nadal make it to the finals again? Will Ana Ivanović continue to pump her fists every two seconds? Will Novak Djoković’s family continue to annoy me from the stands? And perhaps most importantly, what will Maria Sharapova and Roger Federer wear? We’ll find out soon enough, provided there aren’t any rain delays on Monday. American viewers can look up TV scheduling information here, and don’t forget that ESPN 360 will stream 250 hours of live coverage and press conferences as well.

Related: Official Wimbledon website

Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.

Sharapova Out at French

On June 2, 2008

In Tennis

Maria Sharapova has been ousted from the French Open by Dinara Safina. It wasn’t a surprising turn of events — Sharapova had struggled in all her previous matches, while Safina seems increasingly determined to prove she’s no Marat — but that doesn’t lessen my sadness over today’s results. Not only have I been robbed, cruelly robbed, of the chance to type this again at the end of the tournament, I’ve also been robbed of the chance to see Sharapova’s nifty Nike duds for the next week. At least Roger’s still around and looking dapper as ever.

In other news…

The New York Times ran an interesting piece today called “When Intolerance Becomes Intolerable.” Writer Marci Alboher profiles Lisa Sherman, a marketing VP who quit her job at Bell Atlantic fifteen years ago, after a diversity training seminar revealed her colleagues were a bunch of raging homophobes. Sherman’s exit from the company prompted chief executive Raymond W. Smith to take swift action in making Bell Atlantic a gay-friendlier corporation, and Sherman is now a bigwig at Logo, also known as the nonstop Bad Girls and Queer as Folk channel. Which is another way of saying that I wish Logo’s programming department would have some kind of diversity training seminar.

Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.

Sharapova Tops Ivanovic … In Bed

On January 26, 2008

In Tennis

“I haven’t been this excited since I found those Mulholland Drive clips on YouTube!”

Yeah, that juvenile title was just to get your attention. Congratulations to Maria Sharapova, who beat Ana Ivanovic 7-5, 6-3 in the Australian Open final last night. In her victory speech, Sharapova cited an inspirational text message Billie Jean King sent her that read, “Champions take their chances and pressure is a privilege.”

Said Sharapova of King, “She’s always a person who texts me if I have a tough moment or a great win. I woke up this morning to the text. I had those great words in my mind during the match.” My guess is the text continued, “BTW, how long do you think this Shane celibacy thing is going to last?” but Sharapova chose to keep that quiet rather than risk alienating her sponsors.

Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.

Australian Open Programming Reminder

On January 13, 2008

In Tennis

North American viewers, take note: ESPN2’s coverage of the Australian Open begins tonight at 7 EST. The Australian Open, like all Grand Slam tennis tournaments, has special significance to the gay community. Every year, for two weeks at a time, it allows us to gawk at a seemingly endless parade of lesbians dressed in small amounts of clothing, locked in sweaty battle with their rivals. On the men’s side, there are the cheeky antics of Novak Djokovic to look forward to—and it’s just a matter of time before some crazy straight women start writing X-rated Federer/Nadal slash fiction.

As for me, my favorite part of the Australian Open is the commentary provided by Mary Carillo, who is more likely to quote Simpsons episodes as she deconstructs a player’s game than gab about her jewelry or what she had for lunch. (Yes, Tracy Austin, I’m looking at you. I don’t watch tennis to hear about your salad or what you’re wearing.) My love for Carillo, which blossomed when I read that she once explained a loss by saying, “I blame society,” and grew when I saw her spots with Johnny Weir during NBC’s Olympic Ice, is sometimes the only thing that keeps my TV off mute during ESPN2’s tennis coverage. One can only listen to so much Patrick McEnroe, Pam Shriver, Chris Fowler, and Mary Joe Fernandez before lapsing into a coma, and I’m expected at work this week.

UPDATE: The Internet is a truly magical place. Not long after I posted this, I was sent a link to Tennis Slash. While I’d never given much thought to a Safin/Federer pairing, I have to say, until Rafa cuts his hair and burns every last pair of those awful capri pants, it’s the hotter alternative.

Cranky Lesbian is a disgruntled homosexual with too much time on her hands. Click for film reviews or to follow on Instagram.