Cranky Lesbian

Look what the homosexuals have done to me!

Category: Bad Decisions

Happy Thanksgiving

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On November 24, 2022

In Bad Decisions

Does anyone else have trouble with expressions like “turkey time” and “gobble, gobble” because of Gigli? In that 2003 mega-flop, Jennifer Lopez plays a lesbian who uses turkey terminology before engaging in sexual congress (of a decidedly non-lesbian variety) with Ben Affleck. Class action lawsuits never surfaced, but some viewers were left with lingering cases of GTSD—Gigli-traumatic stress disorder.

Writer-director Martin Brest’s career was a casualty of the film’s disastrous performance, but Lopez and Affleck retained theirs, if not their high-profile romance, which fizzled shortly thereafter. Last year, the two rekindled their relationship. And while I’m generally a sucker for a good reunion, I’ll admit to harboring fears about whether they nostalgically recreate that Gigli scene on this most beloved of secular holidays, seeing as their pants are probably already unbuckled after dinner.

With that, and with lasting gratitude for a sexual history (thus far) unblemished by poultry references, I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. I hope there’s an abundance of wonderful things in your lives for which you’re grateful.

Dixie Carter Sings the Springsteen Songbook

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On September 23, 2022

In Bad Decisions

Roger Federer’s final competitive match, a doubles pairing with Rafael Nadal, will be underway shortly at the Laver Cup, as soon as Andy Murray’s clash with Alex de Minaur concludes. I’ll turn up the television’s volume once Federer takes the court, but until then I’m trying to distract myself with music and, while perusing my tablet, landed on Bruce Springsteen.

Today is Springsteen’s 73rd birthday, a shocking number to a kid who grew up in the ’80s and still thinks of him as the energetic young rocker whose tight ass (her words, not mine) my token straight aunt ardently admired. In my younger days I listened more to his earlier work, and even crooned “Rosalita” to a girlfriend who indulged such nonsense despite my inability to carry a tune in a bucket.

As a woman lurching uncertainly toward middle age, I prefer his ’80s output, some of which—like “Brilliant Disguise” and other tracks from Tunnel of Love—is far more devastating to 39-year-old ears than it was to a clueless 20-something. My favorite Springsteen song comes from that decade: “I’m on Fire,” also known as “the creepy one.”

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The Classiest Gay Nuptials of All Time

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On August 26, 2009

In Bad Decisions

Right here. When my girlfriend (who recently told me to get off my lazy ass and update this motherfucking blog already, but in a less Samuel L. Jackson-ish tone than that) and I get married, that’s the first thing we’re going to do: hit a guy with a shoe, both of us, so we can honeymoon in a luxurious prison cell that boasts amenities like a creaky cot and a toilet that hasn’t worked since 1973. Truth be told, I’d rather spend a week in France or go to a quiet bed and breakfast for a few days, but she’s a Roger Corman fan and you know how he romanticized women’s prisons…

Want People to Mock You Behind Your Back?

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On April 9, 2009

In Bad Decisions

If so, do yoga with your dog. Has it really come to this? Are people truly so bored and so eager to spend money on absolute crap that they’re going to turn this into a fad? And don’t dogs have it bad enough as it is, what with having to relieve themselves outdoors year-round and being yelled at to stay off the furniture? Won’t somebody think of the dogs?! They’re plenty flexible already: haven’t you ever noticed how much time they spend licking themselves in hard-to-reach places?

Advertisers Want to Help You Find Sperm

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On March 30, 2009

In Bad Decisions

Have you ever wondered why there are often ads for find-a-sperm-donor services on this, a website that has nothing to do with wanting, having or raising babies? (Not that I have anything against babies. They’re cute and some of them have a weird way of looking like tiny little elderly people that I find amusing, but they also baffle me. In a lot of ways, they’re like women: I have no idea why they’re crying, and they’ve been known to unexpectedly throw up on me.)

It’s a question that’s been weighing on my mind since earlier this afternoon, when I glanced at my post about A Secret to make sure I hadn’t made any glaring typographical mistakes and noticed an advertisement beneath it that said “Find a Sperm Donor Today — Serving Lesbian Couples & Singles.”

I ask you, women and queens who read this, how effective can these ads really be? What are the odds that someone who comes here to read about Daphne is going to glance down at the screen, see that kind of banner, and think to herself “What a great idea! I hadn’t planned on having a baby — I’d only wanted to know if this movie was worth renting—but now I know where my tax refund is going!” Really, if the idea is to target ads to a particular demographic, I think they’d be better off hocking Mommie Dearest DVDs and curling brooms here (yes, Canadian readers, I see you out there), but that’s just a hunch.

I’ve Been Sucked Into a Vortex of Boredom

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On March 26, 2009

In Bad Decisions

Mind you, I’m not bored enough to paint a gigantic penis on the roof of anyone’s house, but this has been a very uneventful day so far and we’re not even through the morning yet…

Kansas Woman Can’t Stop Thinking About The Joy of Gay Sex

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On February 20, 2009

In Bad Decisions

Who sits around and obsesses about The Lesbian Kama Sutra being on local library shelves? (Pretend that was said with an Austin Powers-esque “Who throws a shoe? Honestly!” tone of incredulity.) Concerned Topeka resident Kim Borchers, that’s who. And in addition to her lurid fascination with flexible naked women having all kinds of bendy sex with each other, Borchers objected to her local library keeping The Joy of Sex, The Joy of Gay Sex (if gay means happy, isn’t all gay sex joyful?), and a book about quickies where anyone could find them. Because sex is dirty, you see, and needs to be hidden.

Borchers made the availability of the books enough of an issue that the Topeka & Shawnee County Public Library’s board of trustees voted last night on whether to restrict minors’ access to them; it ruled 5-3 in favor of censorship. (If you read more at The Topeka Capital-Journal, you’ll note that the three dissenting votes were cast by women; three of the five ‘yes’ votes were cast by men.) The controversial decision caused one of the ‘no’ voters, Michele Henry, to get teary-eyed and announce, “I can hardly sit here. I am sickened to be a part of something like this.”*

Does anyone else think this would make a great Lifetime Original Movie for John Waters to direct? Valerie Bertinelli could play Michele Henry, and the role of Kim Borchers has Mink Stole written all over it.

*I guess that means Henry’s unaware of the national epidemic of kids going to check out Encyclopedia Brown books and stumbling across guides to spicing up your gay sex life instead. It happened to my cousin a few years ago and he still hasn’t recovered.

Ah, Silly Rich People…

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On February 12, 2009

In Bad Decisions

Well, fine, I’d make an exception for Tony Manero.

I don’t know who the hell “charmingly loopy socialite” Arden Wohl is (Google says she likes the pot, but don’t all charmingly loopy socialites?), but I’d like to thank her for cracking me up with her comments to The Observer about a short film she made that stars Azura Skye and Leelee Sobieski:

In the dark, romantic fairy tale, the two women flirt, gaze at one another profoundly, fight, gaze some more, cry, gaze, cry, gaze. The whole thing concludes with a scene in which Ms. Sobieski may or may not have sex with Ms. Skye’s dead body.

“It’s based upon my personal experiences. My harrowing and complicated relationships with the people closest to me,” Ms. Wohl told the Transom. She was garbed in slim black pants, a frilly satin blouse and her usual eccentric headband.

Okay then! BTW, next week I’ll be screening a short film based on my own personal experiences. It will consist of two women sitting in awkward silence, occasionally grimacing and checking their watches, and conclude with one of them calling the other uncommunicative. The accusation will be met with more silence, but there’s a moment of suspense and ambiguity at the very end when the other woman finally looks like she’s going to open her mouth. Is she about to speak, or simply sigh?

Critics will spend decades getting into passionate arguments about it in the pages of Cahiers du cinéma and Sight & Sound. There won’t be any necrophilia (Lynne Stopkewich pretty much cornered the market on that with Kissed), and anyone who shows up wearing an eccentric headband will be ordered to leave. You’ve been warned.

Stupid Headline of the Day

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On February 10, 2009

In Bad Decisions

ZDNet wants to know, “Are drunk Facebook photos killing your job prospects?” What I want to know is: How do Facebook photos get drunk? Unfortunately, the article (which regurgitates figures from surveys of HR people and job-seekers alike) doesn’t provide any answers. Because it’s stupid.

NPR on Grey’s Anatomy

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On November 19, 2008

In Bad Decisions

TV critic Andrew Wallenstein’s commentary on Dr. Hahn’s departure from Grey’s Anatomy is one of the best I’ve heard so far, and you can now listen to it in its entirety on the NPR website. He starts off by addressing the issue that has bothered me the most about the firing of actress Brooke Smith — namely, that it doesn’t make sense for a show that is overrun with one-dimensional characters played by so-so actors to get rid of an interesting character played by a talented actress.

In Wallenstein’s words:

“What’s most unfortunate is Hahn may have been the most richly drawn character the show ever yielded. Finely played by a respected character actor like Brooke Smith, Dr. Hahn’s sexual awakening provided what’s otherwise a pretty vacuous soap opera some real moments of dramatic heft.”

He also hits just the right note when he goes after ABC at the end of the piece, giving a nod to all the ways gays currently exist on TV (as cuddly daytime talk show hosts, as comic foils, and as one-time ratings stunts during sweeps) and concluding that “Grey’s may have been doing something more provocative by normalizing a gay relationship.” Until they screwed it all up, of course.

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